Safety Tips

     Christian meeting services have a built in advantage over their secular counterparts: Anyone joining them is claiming to be a Christian, which speaks of the integrity of Christ. For the most part you’ll find sincere fellow believers who are doing their best to follow the Lord, and they are actively seeking His favor in a good match. Because you are both making the claim of Christ, and you’ve joined the meeting service by that understanding, you’re already on the safest path possible.

    Yet all is not well with the Lord’s flock, for not every sheep is His. Sadly to say, a crafty wolf will occasionally don sheep’s clothing to enter the fold. They know that Christians are trusting souls, so they see an opportunity for mischief.

    Jesus told us to be “wise as serpents and gentle as doves,” so you should be aware of this possibility without allowing your heart to become cynical. A little common sense, prayer, and the advice of friends is usually enough to protect you (Matthew 10:16; Second Corinthians 2:11). With that in mind, let’s introduce some safety tips to keep your Internet adventure sensible and secure.

Protect your Identity

    One day when we’re all in heaven, we’ll each have a new name that is known only to the Lord and to ourselves (Revelation 2:17). In a beautiful yet reciprocal way, a meeting service provides its members with unique screen names which help to protect their true identities. And also, they’ll provide other tools:

    The best matchmaking sites have their own, internal e-mail structure called a ‘double-blind’ system. Stay on these systems and make the most of this protection until you feel comfortable expanding into other avenues. When that time eventually comes, it should be explored through a polite consensus: “What would you think about talking on the phone soon?” with perfect freedom to say ‘No’ or ‘Not yet’. Growth is needed if a relationship is to prosper, but only you can determine the if the match is good, and set the pace for it.

    This brings us to two other safety measures. The first is the Webmaster himself, and the second is a contact blocking feature. Until your comfort level is achieved, beware of anyone who seems ‘pushy.’ Politely decline their efforts if you think them so; but if they persist you should report them to the webmaster and have him look into it; then block their online contact and leave it in the webmaster’s hands. If it was all a mistake, let your acquaintance convince the webmaster, and let the webmaster tell it to you. But even then, the final decision to renew contact will be yours.

Earning Trust

    When you find someone who interests you, or they are the one to initiate contact, you should take the time to read their profile before corresponding to their emails. The more information it contains, the better for you both. In the back of your mind, always put two-and-two together to see if their claims and their descriptions add up, or if they have contradicted themselves.

    In the same vein, consider: If they haven’t provided a photograph or answered all their essays, they are really not being as straightforward as they could be. Unless they’re very new and haven’t yet had time, you should consider this a yellow flag. Or if they’ve answered some of their questions and skipped others, they may be hiding something. Better to wait until they’ve caught up on their paperwork and correspond with them then. It’s never a better idea to press ahead blindly.

    When you correspond with another member, remember that part of your approach is to ask open-ended, conversational questions in a congenial way. First, this allows them to speak freely without seeming vain (you asked them for their thoughts, right?) Second, it helps you get to know them better, which may lead to shared interests you can explore. But third, it will give you a broader basis for checking their consistency over time – that silent little mission that’s always in the back of your mind because you’re one smart cookie and a prudent soul. For the same reason, occasionally ask a similar question at a later time, and compare the answer with their first answer.

    Check this out sometime: Jesus answered every part of every question He received. So if someone ignores a legit question or skirts the issue, and it seems intentional, you’ll need to be cautious. But none of us are as perfect as Jesus, so if it might have been unintentional, try waiting a while before asking them again.

    But when it comes to trusting others, your greatest asset will be your prayer life. The Holy Spirit guides you into all truth, and helps keep you there (John 16:13; First John 2:27). So if you feel a sense of precaution rising, even if you can’t explain it, and even if would seem unfair of you to act on it, be prepared to trust the Lord in obedience at once. Either it’s not God’s timing or it it was never meant to be at all.

    In such a case, just tell your friend that you’re taking a break for a while. If the impression remains, so does your break, and you’ll simply never resume. But try not to wrong an innocent person who is doing their best to be sincere with you, if it’s only a case of your own jitters.

Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing

    Secular meeting sites have a terrible problem. One in three persons attempting to join their site is already married. The larger sites, such as Match.com, make every effort to detect these persons and throw them out, but none of their systems are infallible; and a married person who is dastardly enough to join one of those sites will not necessarily stop at the doors of a Christian site. This means that education must be part of an effective protection program.

    A married person, or any other person using a pretended identity, is not that difficult to detect. They’ll usually seem too good to be true, so who would want to question a gold mine? Well, you’d better learn. They’ll usually tell you whatever you want to hear, too, so there won’t seem to be a downside. They’ll want you to seize the opportunity for talking with them, or even meeting them, without thinking it through sufficiently (Second Peter 2:14; Second Corinthians 11:13-14).

    But the biggest clues are in their profiles, which you’ll have a chance to examine long before responding to their letters. A pretender will not go very deeply into their false identity. They won’t post a picture, or they’ll post only one (which is not necessarily them), or they’ll have pictures of themselves in sunglasses or hats or something, or with a beard or a wig, to hide their recognizable features as much as possible. (Guess why? What if that Pina colada, caught-in-the-rain thing happens, and word gets back to their spouse?)

    Another reason they’ll want to keep it simple is so their true identities won’t peek through and expose them. As such, they’ll prefer the meeting sites with the short, 100-word profiles like the old style personals ads. But if you choose a site that features detailed profiles, and especially ones with lots of essay questions (which require an investment of time, say a lot about you, and leave a paper trail in evidence), you’ll find far fewer of those crafty fishermen in those waters.

    Or fisher women. Yup, it works both ways.

    Our next clue is similar: the shallowness of their false identity will bring inconsistencies. Remember, they’re probably talking to many persons at once, and trying to tell each of them what they want to hear, so when you add all that together you’ll find a person who loses track of what they’ve told whom! They can easily be confused and give themselves away. But if you point out a contradiction and they ‘clarify’, make sure you’re satisfied with their response. If someone seems to be stretching things to explain themselves, they’re probably telling lies to cover their earlier lies.

    Wolves can may have other agendas in mind than cheating on their spouse. They may ask you for money, they may ask you for special favors, or they may press you for personal information for other reasons, such as identity theft. This should send up big, red warning flags for you. But it’s not enough to just walk away; you must also protect the other members online by reporting them to the webmaster and then blocking them out. In the same way, other members will be looking out for you.

Allowing the Relationship to Grow Off-Site

    As your online relationship becomes more serious, it will outgrow the Internet meeting forums. This is your big transition period, so special safety tips apply.

    Before leaving the safety of the double-blind email system, you should set up a new email account at Yahoo! or Gmail. They’ll each give you 25 megabytes without charge. As you continue to correspond with your friend, let your communications flow through there. This will keep your love-life separate from the rest of your life until you’re ready for more.

    This new email ‘safety net’ will bring several benefits. First, it’s cheaper than a continued subscription at the meeting service, since it’s free. Second, it takes you out of the ‘available’ category at that service and shows your new friend that you’re getting serious. Third, it allows you to choose any screen name you wish, while it keeps on protecting your anonymity (if that still seems prudent). But fourth and most importantly, it allows you to start sending emails with attachments, which leads to our next safety tip:

    Now that you can send attachments, ask your friend for several new photo­graphs. ‘New’ as in, ‘Let’s both take some new pictures tomorrow morning and share them tomorrow evening.’

    By now, the pictures from the meeting service are starting to get old and you’re both due for an update. Think of this as new ‘facets’ of their diamond. Photographic disclosure is a mark of sincerity and integrity, and new pictures will give you both a better ‘feel’ for the sort of person you’re talking with. They will also provide an added layer of security for later, as we will see.

    But when it’s time for your new photographs, you should take them at a park or some other neutral place, because some cell-phone pictures contain EXIF coding that will geographically pinpoint where the photographer was standing. To err on the side of caution, it’s better if it doesn’t point to your home, church, gym, or workplace.

    Talking on the phone for the first time is another important step. It will be your first ‘real-time’ conversation without a convenient pause for scripting questions or replies. Just relax and be yourself; but watch for elements of their personality and make special note of the attitude that comes shining through. Allow for ‘shifting perceptions’ and make adjustments as necessary.

    Remember: even after you’ve taken this step off site, you’re under no obligation to proceed further. You can still walk away at any time if you think that’s best. Use your good judgment; and if you’re unsure, get the opinion of a friend. Don’t agree to meet them in person unless you feel perfectly comfortable by that time. Always pray about your relationship to determine the proper pace.

The First Few Meetings in Person

    Your initial meeting in person will be your first full glimpse of a possible partnership. Here your dreams may blossom or decay, so it’s your moment of truth. Of course you’re hoping for the best, but for safety’s sake you should take precautions and make contingency plans.

    If you’re traveling to meet your date, keep your travel information private. Provide your own transportation at all times, and they theirs. If you're the visitor and you're from out-of-town, find a decent hotel in their city and keep those accommodations to yourself.

    Don’t meet your date at their home. Rather, you should agree on a neutral location. In fact, guys: you should anticipate this prudent desire and suggest it first, to relieve any fear your lady friend may have. For her to be safe and feel safe, it should be a public place with plenty of people. Put it that way and she’ll appreciate you for it.

    For yourself: if you’re from out of town, you may be unfamiliar with that location, so try to swing by earlier in the day to check it out by daylight. If it seems inappropriate, leave at once and call your date to renegotiate your meeting place. Remember that if either of you feels caution at any time for any reason, you can always change plans or cancel entirely, no matter how far you’ve already come.

    Once you’ve met, pay special attention to the attitude your date shows toward the other people you encounter (the waitress, hostess, cashier or barista). These are people they’re not necessarily interested in impressing; and that’s probably how they’ll treat you one day, after they’ve grown accustomed to your presence. (Nice guys don’t always finish last. Sometimes they’re the only ones who finish at all ;-)

    In a similar way; if you meet someone who seems to be acquainted with your date, you may have chanced on a lucky milestone. If they’re congenial and a pleasant introduction is made, it’s a good sign that everything is legit. Try asking the acquaintance how they know your date; draw them into a bit of a discussion and watch for some good-natured banter. But if your date is trying to avoid an acquaintance whom they see, you should immediately suspect the worst. ‘Life happens’ so it could mean anything, but it may mean they’re already married. You’ll definitely need to keep up your guard, end the date early, discuss it with them afterward (after you’ve both returned home,) and get to the bottom of it.

    As always, be on the lookout for anything your date says or does that is inconsistent with the information in their letters or profiles. And watch for evasive answers to your questions – you know the routine, same as before.

    Before you date begins, let a friend know where you’re going, and leave a picture of your date with them, along with any contact information you have (remember those new pictures you took when you opened your new email accounts?) Let them know what your schedule that night should be. Always bring a cell phone, and don’t hesitate to excuse yourself and duck into a bathroom or some other private place to call your friend, especially if you think you need advice or prayer. When the date is over, call them again to check in.

    At an appropriate time, say ‘Goodnight’ to your date and leave by yourself. And don’t be afraid to end the date early if it seems necessary – even if you have to sneak out the back door! Fair warning: the relationship would probably end if you did something like that, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

    When you’ve gotten to know your new friend better, after the first few dates, you’ll naturally open up with more information about yourselves. In the same way, you should want to meet each other’s friends, associates and family. Your relationship is probably in good order if you’ve made it his far.

Summary

    Like every other area in your Christian life, God has plans for your peace but the enemy tries to bring mischief (Jeremiah 29:11; John 10:10). Simple precautions and a vibrant prayer life will stop the enemy cold in his tracks. Pray when you read profiles; pray when you read or write emails, and pray when you venture off-site. Pray with your date at the start of your phone conversations and when you meet in person, to start yourselves off on the right foot. Always let God be first in your relationship, and let Him set your pace. He will surely keep you and preserve you if you’ll sincerely follow.

    Remember that keeping God foremost in your life begins at the beginning, and continues through every stage as your relationship grows. Seek Him at all times, seek Him together, and see if He brings your relationship to prosperity. If you’ll trust Him from the beginning, you’ll find that a ‘three-fold cord that is not quickly broken’ (Ecclesiastes 4:12); and if you follow the model of Christ and the church, you’ll build a firm foundation for your this life and for the world to come.