Chapter 8: God’s Criteria for an Excellent Match
During my years in the College Group, and later in the Singles Group, guest speakers were invited to address our gatherings. Often they were newly-wedded couples who shared their testimonies in describing how God had brought them together. Or a few of those couples, who had been married longer, had turned their testimonies into seminars.
Some events in their stories were similar. The timing had been perfect when they’d met, so ‘God’s fingerprints’ were all over it. They’d broken up once, but a unique circumstance brought them together again. Unusual favor had been found among relatives or in the workplace, so that barriers came down and their union became possible. Their engagement was strewn with symbolism in deeply personal and touching ways.
As we listened, everyone rooted for the young couple in love, and their meaning became clear to us: if we wanted to get married one day, we should follow their example because that’s how God seemed to be doing things. In the eager days of our youth, so hopeful and bright, we were attentive to every word. But after hearing so many of their testimonies, two things occurred to me. I really couldn’t help but notice them:
First: beyond the basic themes I’ve described, no two of their stories were alike - which gave us nothing consistent to go by.
Second: None of those couples had matched their advice to the Scriptures. It was simply the story of what happened to them.
As this flaw became evident, it set me in a reflective mood. I had no doubt that God brought them together; but it seemed to me that if He had, further underlying criterion could be detected. So the real question was not ‘what’ had happened to those couples, but why it had happened to them; or more specifically: What had God seen in their lives that gave their potential match such favor in His eyes?
Individuals are far more intricate than we may realize. Our values and goals, strengths and weaknesses, preferences and abilities, and needs and desires, are patched together to form our personalities, making each of us a very unique, living ‘pattern’ in this world, As an illustration, please picture a colorful design on a transparency. And when two such ‘patterns’ are combined in a relationship, a new, hybrid pattern will emerge. Lay one transparency on top of the other and hold them up to the light together – you get the picture.
To find favor with the Lord, the new, ‘hybrid pattern’ must blend their lives through a series of favorable reactions. The result must be happy, functional and durable for both of them (Luke 14:28-30). But exploring this concept through Scripture would lead to the elusive ‘common thread,’ which weaves all such testimonies together.
Of necessity, this explanation will be simplified and rendered in a practical form, but it should be enough for your Internet search to begin:
In the years of your early adulthood, as your interest in the opposite sex grew, your heavenly Father smiled from above. He has seen this so often and under the right circumstances He is willing to bless it. This is fortunate for us because He knows so much more about it than we do, and He always has our best interest at heart (Jeremiah 29:11).
Basically, He starts by examining two major areas of your life: the ‘ideological’ and the ‘practical.’ He will also consider a third area, the ‘preferential,’ but with more flexibility. Each of those areas will be evaluated in its own, separate way, as it appears in your nature today. Meanwhile, He’ll be doing the same for everyone else, and He’ll listen to your prayers patiently.
If a potential match should arise, the results of your examination, and the other person’s, will be set in ‘overlaying patterns’ for His evaluation as a hybrid. In this new pattern:
1. Your two evaluations should match in the ‘ideological’ ways. This means you must share the same basic outlook on life, including harmonious goals or life visions, highly compatible beliefs and moral values, and possibly even a similar background - in areas that would most affect your possible future together. This is the part where couples say, ‘We have so much in common!”
2. Your lives might also match in some of the ‘practical’ ways such as knowledge, skills and abilities, but these need not match too extensively. It’s just as important to find a balance in those areas, as the strengths of one person make up for the weaknesses of the other and vice-versa. This allows your relationship to become complementary, which will enrich your life together. This is the part where couples say, “Opposites attract each other!”
3. The ‘preferential’ side of your two natures will also be considered, but with more flexibility. The key here is your compatibility. Think of this in terms of spending time together daily and you’ll see the point: similar tastes, interests and pastimes will play a positive role. The idea is to promote your sense of happiness, so you should expect a fair number of similarities. But an element of variety could also play an interesting role. When a couple says “we could grow old together,” this is what they mean.
The overall effect of this comparison must be pleasing to the Lord. If areas of your life are very strong or very weak, you may be out-of-balance (and we all have these areas,) so the ‘hybrid’ would generally tend to balance them, with the underlying patterns of your lives clashing as little as possible (and never very seriously when they do). If this new pattern looks hopeful and the timing is right, God’s blessing will follow. It means He has confidence that your relationship could succeed (Luke 14:28-29).
God’s criterion for an excellent match is one of the most important lessons of this book, so let’s use a parable to illustrate the same criterion further:
Recall the summer picnics of your youth, and the happy fellowship you shared: a church social on a warm Sunday evening or a company picnic on a holiday. The event may have involved games, including the famous three-legged race:
As the contest began, the couples lined up at the starting line, side-by-side. Laughing and giggling, they stood together as one of their legs was bound to their partner’s at the hip, making them a living tripod.
The basic rules were explained to them: Here is the starting point, at your feet. There is the course, set before you. That is the finish line, off in the distance. If you fall down – get up again, and carry on. “Crack!” went the starter’s pistol and they were off and running, followed by laughs and screams as they hobbled down the lane as quickly as they could.
Some of those couples fell over at once; others lurched, stumbled and limped their way along. But there always seemed to be one couple that broke into a rhythm and pounded their way down the field to claim their prize with joy.
Let’s match this parable to the things we’ve just discussed:
For any relationship to succeed, the couple must have a compatible ideology or outlook on life. This should include common goals or a compatible life vision; similar values and beliefs as a moral compass; and perhaps their method for discussing things and reaching agreement on the particulars. Like the couple in our parable, their eyes survey the land together and they plan toward the same distant goal. Their hands squeeze; their minds have met; their eyes are looking forward with the same purpose. “Can two walk together, unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3).
But to actually move ahead, a practical side to their relationship is needed. These are the steps the couple must take together, one leg bound to their partner’s while the other keeps a natural stride:
In a similar way, each person will have talents, skills, or abilities in common with their partner. Perhaps they work in similar occupations, or have similar training, certifications or college degrees. These are the unbound legs, which naturally keep pace and match stride. The couple fosters a sense of rhythm and harmony in their walk, since they can relate to each other in such ways.
But in a very practical way, their walk depends on the other legs, which are bound as one. In that sense, a right leg and a left must go forward together – one might say, their strengths and weaknesses must find a balance. As one of them leads out with a strength, the other leans on them; then the other adds their own strength while the first trusts to them, in return.
In this manner the couple clings to each other, supports each other in their weakness and benefits from each other’s strengths – which, in the larger scheme of things, enriches both their lives. “But God composed the body, having given greater honor to that part which lacks it, that there should be no schism in the body.” (First Corinthians 12:24-25).
Finally let’s consider the rope in our parable. This represents love, “the bond of perfection” which unites them (Colossians 3:14). Here, a caring love will generously lend strength, and a humble gratitude will receive it, allowing the couple to “have the same care for one another” as their strengths are shared and enrich each other (First Corinthians 12:25).
By the way, this is why the Bible refers to your spouse as a ‘help meet’. They are the very help you needed (Genesis 2:18).
The four legs, thus in motion, strike an overall balance as the couple runs the course set before them, keeping their commitment alive and helping them finish their race with joy (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).
In this model, time plays an important role as well. A couple may fall down at first, but they’ll rise and continue. In our parable, this means that, in the beginning, their strengths and weaknesses may form a disparity. If you are strong in an area while your partner is weak, or vice-versa, an actual difference will appear and initially this may seem like a clash. But is it really, or is it just an initial imbalance?
To find out which it is, a basic question should be asked: “Is one of you actually right and the other actually wrong in your difference? Or would it be truer to say that each of you needs a little more of what the other one has?” (First Corinthians 12:25)
For example, Nancy and I knew a couple whose relationship eventually failed. One of them was constantly on time for their appointments, while the other was habitually very late. Right and wrong-doing was involved, so this was an actual clash and it contributed to a split that was never restored.
Based on another couple we knew, here’s another example. Let’s say one person was very generous while the other was basically selfish. Again, right and wrong certainly exist in that difference, so we’re talking about an actual clash. Their relationship continued for a while, then dissolved and was never restored (Ecclesiastes 7:26).
But let’s say, on the other hand, that one of you is basically logical and the other is basically emotional. Certain excellent qualities derive from each of those traits, so neither of you is actually wrong. Therefore, if an initial ‘clash’ has appeared it’s probably because you are both out of balance. One of you is too logical and the other is too emotional, so a gap has formed between you.
At this point an honest question must be asked. Are you close enough to eventually bridge that gap, or will it always remain and tend to annoy you? Because coming together will require you to “have the same care for one another.” (First Corinthians 12:25).
Like Jesus Himself, you must become servants at heart; and like the church itself, we must all have a willingness to learn and conform in these areas. That’s how these gaps are spanned. So you must both be within reach of an amiable and durable understanding. But if it’s really beyond your tolerance, and the area is important to you, you must face this fact and let them go, sparing both of you further anguish.
So here’s a little nugget to gather along the way. How many times have you heard a couple’s testimony that included an early episode of their breaking up? They are happily married now, but once upon a time there had been a problem. More than likely, it stemmed from an area in which their strengths and weaknesses presented an imbalance. At first they regarded this as a clash, so the breakup followed; but later, when they came together again, a new balance formed as their love and care for each other allowed them to bridge that gap. And as the relationship matured, it turned into a complementary arrangement.
If you’ll think about it, those differences would naturally have looked their worst at the very beginning, since the romance was barely underway. But this never stumps the Lord, who sees such things from a longer view and includes them in His evaluation from the start.
Now let’s talk about that third area: compatible tastes or preferences, which play a role in your match. This may be true in serious ways as well as fun ways, but in either case we’re talking about a subjective element which complicates things. “For the LORD does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” (First Samuel 16:7).
You may find a wonderful match in most ways, but subjective preferences will interfere. For example, some poor guy has his heart set on a blue-eyed-blond, so he looks right past the best match he’ll ever find in his life and focuses, instead, on a relationship that could be highly troubled. Or the poor girl just doesn’t want a guy with hair on his back, so she looks right past ‘Esau’ to find a ‘Jacob’ (when at heart, ‘Esau’ may have really been her ‘Jacob’ in the ways that really mattered.)
These considerations don’t matter to the Lord like they do to us. He does see the desires of our hearts and accounts for them, though not always in the sense of granting them. In fact, you might very well find Him holding out on you for your own good, to bring you around to something more reasonable.
For example, I had a friend who loved camping, so his future wife had to be a fellow camping enthusiast. But after he got a little older and was still single, he talked to the Lord about it. A gentle answer was urged upon him:
“You know, you only go camping a couple of times a year, so she doesn’t really need to be an enthusiast. She only needs to be willing.” He accepted the adjustment (which God’s longer vision had seen all along) and soon he was happily married. And yes, she enjoyed camping once in a while. The Lord cares for our happiness, and if our subjective desires are reasonable, He remains flexible – so we should be too.
And now, let’s discuss some applications for the Internet:
God seems to have basic criterion for granting favor in our love lives, and now that you understand its basic form, you’re in a position to cooperate with His intentions. You have a glimpse of the romantic master plan!
Start by copying His baseline through an honest evaluation of your ideological, practical and preferential traits. If you do this prayerfully it will ensure that you and God are ‘playing from the same sheet of music’ as your internet search begins.
Not sure how to evaluate yourself? It just so happens that filling out a profile at a Christian meeting service will prompt you with many of the right questions (depending on the service you choose). Their profile will never be as complete as the Lord’s, of course, but at least it will get you into the ballpark and affords some basic material to start with. (We’ll discuss profiles in Chapters 17 and 18.)
Filling out your profile provides a basis for comparison to the other members, who have previously submitted profiles of their own. If you basically know what to look for, you need only set your two profiles together for evaluation as a ‘hybrid’ and pray about the potential match honestly. Allow the Lord to guide both of you from there.
Perhaps the greatest surprise in God’s matchmaking is the role that our weaknesses play, as a part of our practical evaluation. Traditionally, we’ve seen strengths as good and weaknesses as bad, yet a truly excellent match may be otherwise. Indeed, our weaknesses can be every bit as important as our strengths, depending on what the other person’s strengths or weaknesses may be. And after all – didn’t Jesus choose each of us on the basis of our weakness? (First Corinthians 1:26-29).
Nevertheless, most of the meeting services today will provide no information in that regard. Socially speaking, no one likes to mention such things, so the meeting services never trouble their members by asking for them. Therefore, you’ll have to compensate as best you can from the other direction:
You could at least be honest with yourself about your own weaknesses. From there you might see, ‘What sort of strengths should I seek in another person, which could bring those areas of my life into balance?’ This will foster a humble attitude, which happens to be another part of the Lord’s criteria for an excellent match (James 4:6; First Corinthians 1:29).
Or here’s a hint from another direction: When you see a strength expressed in another person’s profile, stop for a moment to consider it carefully. Might that strength have a weak side to it, by which your own strengths might benefit them? For instance: they are very learned, but are they very sociable? The point is, you may need to think in some broad terms initially and explore the particulars in conversations later.
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