Chapter 7: Prince Charming and Wonder Woman
For a little over a year, I attended a church that had emerged from a College outreach. Most of its members were students or recent graduates who had stayed in town, so it was full of young, single people.
Being young and single myself, I was very glad for their company. Furthermore, none of their girls were attached, which seemed hopeful! But I soon came to realize that hopeless would have described the situation better. There was something funny going on here:
With so many young men and women together, all of them so bright and ambitious, it seemed very odd that not a single one of them had a relationship going. No one seemed to be dating anyone else at all!
You had to be a member for a while to find out why, because it stemmed from a teaching they’d heard years ago: that they needed to be faithful and wait for “God’s best” to come; for the Lord would surely bring them such a person if they would patiently wait for them.
To illustrate this teaching, they pointed to a wedding that had occurred in their church about a year earlier: a wholesome, picture-book couple, like models from the Sears Catalog. He was a leader on the worship team and she was in charge of some other church function. They were everyone’s favorite newlyweds; and to their minds, this example had put the truth of that teaching beyond question.
All of the girls in that church wanted a guy like him (or better), but none of the single men in the church fit that bill. So they had rejected every last one of them. To their mind, “God’s best” had simply not arrived yet, so they would have to patiently wait for him. Prince Charming was just around the corner.
Meanwhile, the men had reached a similar conclusion about the women. They had rejected every last woman in that church because they were waiting for “God’s best” to arrive: a woman with the combined qualities of Susie Homemaker and Miss America. For lack of a better description, I have dubbed this mythical person as “Wonder Woman.”
What followed would have been comical, were it not so tragic. The girls formed pious Bible studies; not to study the Bible, but to learn from women’s devotional books. They memorized Proverbs 31 and quoted it profusely. Also, they cooked for the church gatherings in an admirable show of their homemaking skills. But none of this mattered to the guys, whose standards were so much higher than they could ever achieve.
Likewise, the men formed their Bible studies, attended seminars, planned church strategy and outreach sessions, and generally showed their decision-making abilities. They quoted Scriptures and memorized them diligently. But it was all for nothing, because they just couldn’t hold a candle to that mythical Prince Charming whom those girls had set their hearts on. And those pious young ladies were absolutely determined to wait for him.
Furthermore, the church was full of busybodies. If any man took an interest in a woman, the other guys were told to ‘get together with the brother’ and distract him with other activities, fill his attention with other things and generally wear him out—anything but simply telling him the honest truth that his love was unrequited.
The same would occur if a woman took an interest in one of the guys: No one would approve of her hopes or dreams, but neither would they tell her so, honestly. The other women found subtle ways to discourage and distract her, as well as counseling her to ‘wait a little longer’. After all, she would only be cheating herself if she failed to wait for “God’s best.” So they were busybodies for her own good!
Meanwhile, a broader effect would appear. The rest of the church, and especially those of the opposite sex, would regard the ‘errant’ brother or sister as pariah. Apparently they had suffered a spiritual lapse and were ‘cruising for flesh,’ so caution was voiced in private whispers: ‘Watch out for them!’ The opposite sex would steer clear, because this particularly unspiritual person might tempt them and cost them “God’s best!”
If this describes an episode from your past, I’m tempted to let it go on the basis of youthful inexperience and hope you’ve learned better by now. But over the last few years, I’ve come to realize that a very strong influence from this teaching remains, especially among some of the older singles.
While some of us have grown beyond this and are happily married now, others have become like Japanese soldiers stranded on Pacific atolls, who seem to think the war is still on. They’ve been waiting for “God’s best” for so many years that their youth has slipped away from them. And just possibly, they’re about to pass those teachings along to another generation, who will share their impossible fate and consequences (First Timothy 4:23; Proverbs 13:12).
So if you’re still waiting for Prince Charming or Wonder Woman, or if you’ve just heard a teaching that you should be, then please hear my heart when I tell you that you should really stop to think this over. Try to get the bigger picture and please be honest with yourself. Today, if I could speak to the men of that church again, I would say to them in deepest, sincerest brotherly love:
“Guys, all the girls in this church have rejected you. For whatever reason, they’ve found you unsuitable. So if Wonder Woman ever does come to this church, what makes you think that she’ll find you acceptable?
“And girls, all of the guys have rejected you, as well. So if these poor, imperfect guys have found you unsuitable, then why would Prince Charming think you were ‘God’s best’ for him?
“The sad truth is, that if Prince Charming ever does come to this church, he’s probably going to marry Wonder Woman, and everyone else will be back where they started.”
The young people of that church had fallen in love with an ideal, rather than loving an actual person – sort of like a generic torchbearer. In fact, if those men ever did meet Wonder Woman, they’d probably be disappointed. They’d have nothing in common with her at all! Likewise the women, if they met their Prince Charming, would probably find him a bore, or come up with a hundred other things that they didn’t like about him.
But this is the part that really amazes me. Where did God ever say in the Bible that He intended to bring you such a person? It could only be true if the person you’re waiting for is Jesus Himself, the glorious and heavenly spouse who will greatly exceed your expectations — more than you could ever hope for or even think! (Ephesians 3:20). And if you want to wait for Him in singleness, that’s fine. Just be clear in your mind about it.
On a lesser but still important note, another dimension to ‘Prince Charming’ should be mentioned. In that particular church, our gallant suitor was also required to be a prince financially. This meant he was to have at least $20,000 in the bank before allowing himself to consider marriage (and if he didn’t hold himself to that standard, the women of that church certainly would!)
This is one of those sparkling gems of advice that sounds so wonderful on the surface, yet it’s completely unbiblical, and possibly even a stumbling block from the adversary. How many college students do you know who are not only out of debt, but have twenty grand stashed away? And of course, those who are freshly out of college are probably not doing much better.
The advice in question came from the ‘older’ men of the congregation (usually in their early 30’s) who were already married and were ‘mentoring’ the younger guys. So I asked them one day, “Does this mean that you had $20,000 saved up when you got married?”
After an awkward pause came the shy admission: “No . . . but I wish I did!” I shook my head sadly. They had placed a burden on those younger men that they, themselves, had been unable to bear.
Saving that twenty grand, or waiting for someone who had, was simply another barrier for keeping those young people single. Perhaps the motive was noble, but ironically it wouldn’t have made much difference in the long run, for “When goods increase, they increase who eat them.” (Ecclesiastes 5:11).
The average wedding and honeymoon today can easily exceed $20,000 if you don’t feel the need to economize. And what young lady, with access to such cash, will feel that need? Sadly, the modern wedding industry can be a high dollar racket, selling itself through experience and accessibility, unless financial need compels a couple to explore cost-cutting alternatives seriously.
When God brought His own bride, Israel, out of Egypt, He fully intended to bring her to “a land flowing with milk and honey”, so the intention as there but it certainly didn’t start out on that note:
“I remember you, the kindness of your youth, the love of your betrothal, when you went after Me in the wilderness, in a land not sown.”
(Jeremiah 2:2)
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there, and the Valley of Achor as a door of hope; she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.”
(Hosea 2:14-15)
When a marriage begins, God seems to be after something more important. He is laying a foundation of teamwork and trust for the long run, and in key ways He seems to hold prosperity in reserve in order to achieve this. Instead of making it a prerequisite for His favor, He allows it to follow:
“He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.”
(Proverbs 18:22)
When Nancy and I were married, we had a considerable amount of debt to pay. Because of that, we sought cost-cutting alternatives for both our wedding and our honeymoon. Friends and family came to our aid and God opened doors for bargains, so we ended up lacking for nothing. Both wedding and honeymoon were as beautiful as could be and were paid for in full.
After the honeymoon we moved into an apartment rather than seeking a house, (which is another good way to spend $20,000 in an afternoon – see Proverbs 24:27). And with advice from my best man, who is a financial genius, we were able to reach a new financial discipline. We were beginning a new chapter in which spending would occur by consensus, so it was a natural and excellent time for making those adjustments.
Throughout the first year of our marriage (and afterward), other financial blessings came unlooked for. By the end of our first 15 months we were totally out of debt, including paying for a nice used car we needed to buy. And then our savings began to grow. Ironically, by the end of our first two and a half years, our savings stood at $20,000.
We reached that point in just over two years and a half years – just as the Lord had intended to keep Israel in the wilderness for two years and a half years (Numbers 10:11, 33; 11:18-20; 12:15; 13:25). We took this for a sign because of our circumstances; but don’t allow me to put that on you as a burden. It was simply our own experience.
During those early days of our marriage we lacked for nothing; we were simply learning teamwork and learning to be good stewards of what we had. But the real point is that first I had found a wife, and then the Lord’s favor followed us. We began our new life with love and not with cash, and were able to trust the Lord in every way from there – because He loved us too, and constantly sustained us with favor in showing it.
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