Chapter 6: Torchbearers

 

    Upon the advice of my wife, another subject should be addressed at this point. This is something that naturally appeals to many sincere Christians, but is easily mis­under­stood and may even cost them their chance for a happy marriage. Paradoxically, it’s the question of God’s will for you in choosing a mate.

    Has God already chosen a specific person whom you are to marry? If so, then you could not be married to anyone else in good conscience. But on the other hand, if you think you know who that person is, your love-life could be stuck in a holding pattern until they realize it, too. All other options would be suspended for you – but not for them – and you’d find yourself at a serious disadvantage. You’d descend into the miserable existence known as ‘carrying a torch’ for them.

    If this describes you, then you must come to terms with your situation before proceeding. Either you have missed the Lord or misunderstood His intention, or else you would be rebelling against His will by looking elsewhere now. And you owe it to yourself and to everyone else at a meeting service to participate with a good conscience: “for whatever is not from faith is sin.” (Romans 14:23)

    So let’s return to the premise with a very basic question: Does God play a role in bringing Christian couples together? Obviously He does, for the Scriptures speak of this very thing:

    “The kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who arranged a marriage for his son . . .” (Matthew 22:2)

    “a prudent wife is from the LORD.” (Proverbs 19:14)

    “what God has joined together . . .” (Matthew 19:6)

    Of course, God knows all things so He already knows whom you’ll marry - and every other particular along the way. But in itself, that is a separate question from how He ordains our relationships. Does He impose an absolute will in such matters, or does He consider our wishes too? In other words, how much of that decision is left to you?

    If God is at work in building a relationship, then at some point your own thoughts and feelings will have to become involved. Faith works through love, not the other way around (Galatians 5:6; Hebrews 11:1). So let’s consider a Scriptural example from the Book of Genesis, for guidance:

    The patriarch Abraham was blessed but he was a very old man. His beloved son Isaac was still single and he was concerned for him. Finally, he called his faithful steward, Eliezer, and sent him to Mesopotamia to find a wife for Isaac from among his own people. He charged the steward with an oath by the following instructions:

    “The LORD God of heaven, who took me from my father’s house and from the land of my family, and who spoke to me and swore to me, saying, ‘To your descendants I will give this land,’ He will send His angel before you, and you shall take a wife for my son from there.

    “And if the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be released from this oath; only do not take my son back there.”

(Genesis 24:7-8)

    Eliezer took a caravan, and the angel of the Lord went before him to the city of Nahor, in the land of Abraham’s nativity. As he arrived, he came to a well of water and, lifting up his eyes to the Lord, he asked for a sign:

    “O LORD God of my master Abraham, please give me success this day, and show kindness to my master Abraham.

    “Behold, here I stand by the well of water, and the daughters of the men of the city are coming out to draw water.

    “Now let it be that the young woman to whom I say, ‘Please let down your pitcher that I may drink’ and she says, ‘Drink, and I will also give your camels a drink’—let her be the one You have appointed for Your servant Isaac. And by this I will know that You have shown kindness to my master.”

(Genesis 24:13-14)

    The outcome is familiar to us all. Before he had even finished praying, out came Rebecca to draw water and he asked her for a drink. Not only did she give it, but she also drew water for his camels – the very sign he had requested – and he mused upon its meaning.

    Further evidence of God’s favor appeared. As it turned out, Rebecca was Abraham’s own kin, being the daughter of his brother Nahor. The angel of the Lord had brought him to a house of great favor. And when Rebecca’s brothers heard his story, they were convinced of its truth and agreed that the matter proceeded from the Lord (Genesis 24:50).

    Surely God had orchestrated the entire event and had given signs to confirm His purpose. He’d even sent His angel beforehand, to appoint Rebecca as Isaac’s wife (see verse 14). But even so, Abraham’s steward was left wondering: had God made his way to prosper, or not? (verse 21). Would Rebecca become Isaac’s wife or should he look for someone else? (verse 49).

    Remember that his instructions had contained a proviso: “And if the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be released from this oath.”

    Even though God’s favor was evident, it required Rebecca’s own, personal acceptance for the arrangement to be complete; and if not, the initiative would become null and void:

“Then they called Rebecca and said to her, ‘Will you go with this man?’ and she said, ‘I will go.’”

(Genesis 24:59)

    In this particular case, Rebecca agreed at once and everything turned out well. But it raises the tantalizing possibility, “What if?”

    What if she had not been willing to go and marry Isaac? The whole initiative would have ended and a release in the matter would have appeared. Despite the work of the angel who went in advance; despite the special circumstances, the signs, the evidence of God’s approval and even the answer to prayer—everything would still be released because Rebecca’s approval was needed as a matter of her own free will (Genesis 24:4,8). And if, for any reason, she had been unwilling, the servant would have needed to look elsewhere. Some other young woman would have become Isaac’s bride.

    Allow me to speak now from my own experience, as well as from the experience of many others I have knows. Over the years, while I was still single, I would occasionally find a young lady who interested me. I prayed about my interest and sought the Lord’s favor; and my friends, whom I have mentioned, did the same for themselves.

    Sometimes nothing happened at all. Apparently this was God’s way of saying “No,” and in hindsight we were usually able to see that it was for the best. This proved that we really could trust the Lord, even in the few episodes when we couldn’t understand His reasons initially.

    On other occasions, God’s answer was a much stronger “No!” because the doors were virtually slammed in our faces—especially if the person who had caught our interest was an unbeliever (Second Corinthians 6:14). On those occasions, the other person may have unexpectedly gotten a job transfer, quit their job entirely, or suddenly gotten married over the holidays; or in some other manner they had moved away spontaneously or unexpectedly. Usually they were headed for much better surroundings, so the Lord was not unkind to them at all – this was only intended to frustrate us; but it always became evident in hindsight that this, too, had been for the best.

    But on still other occasions, it seemed that we really had found the Lord’s favor. In answer to our prayers, the doors began to open and situations of special favor appeared. In amazing ways, it became possible for us to get to know the person in whom we were interested. The relationship seemed hopeful for a while—but later, one or both of us lost interest and we drifted apart.

    Apparently, if the match really held potential and the Lord agreed, He would gladly give us the opportunity to see. At our request, He granted those special situations of favor, perhaps to include a ‘sign’ as a glimpse of His approval. This can be very exciting! But even so, it was merely intended as an opportunity. In the end, for each of us, it still came down to Rebecca’s option: “If the woman is not willing to follow you, you will be released.”

    Of course, God knew from the beginning whether any of those relationships would turn to marriage or not. So if they wouldn’t proceed to that point, why would He allow them to begin at all? Apparently He was keeping a broader perspective in mind. Perhaps we had something to learn:

    As long as we kept those relationships pure (which He certainly intended) they would help us overcome our shyness, give us a basis for experience and help us develop some interpersonal skills which would benefit us later in life. In that sense they gave us a little practice, to prepare for the person we actually would marry one day.

    Furthermore, the opportunity gave us some practical insights. From the very beginning, each of those matches held potential in certain ways but not in others. Exploring both of those aspects helped us determine the mixture of qualities in another person that would most naturally correspond with our own strengths and weaknesses, to make an even better match for ourselves one day. (We’ll discuss this further in Chapter 8.)

    But for now let’s return to our central topic. If you believe that God has appointed a particular person for you to marry, you may be partly right and partly wrong in the matter. Maybe He did appoint them for you in the beginning, because He saw your interest and agreed that the two of you could have made a good match. And if the other person agreed, then everything would have worked out well. But if either one of you was unwilling for any reason, you would both be released and free to seek someone else, so there is no need to ‘stay loyal’ and to bear a torch for them any longer.

    For some readers, this perspective may bring closure and a great deal of healing. But others, who have carried a torch for a long time now, may be upset with it. It could mean that all of your time has been wasted, which may be a difficult thought to bear by now. And unfortunately, this is the one area where you can’t look to Christ and the church for an example, because of an essential difference:

    At the end of days, all Christians will be joined in forming the eternal bride of Christ. In that sense Jesus can afford to ‘carry a torch’ for each and every one of us, for as long as we live on the earth. He will never give up on anyone, because keeping His affections for one person would by no means exclude another person.

    But an earthly marriage is finite and limited. Choosing one person does exclude all others, so for you it will always come down to a choice. You’ll simply have to do the best you can to find the happiest match and allow everyone else the freedom to do the same.

    No doubt some torchbearers are still holding out hope and would blame themselves for giving up now. If that’s you, I have another thought to share. Since it can’t come from Christ and the church, as I’ve explained, I’m afraid it’s my own advice—but it will match the realities of your situation and pluck a central point from one of our Lord’s parables. Please consider it wisely:

    In the eighteenth century, a certain paradox was posed that had everyone stumped. It began with the question, “What is the most useful thing in the entire world?” And of course there could only be one answer: Water. By far, it was the most useful of things. And yet water was absolutely free.

    Pearls, on the other hand, had no practical use, yet they cost a small fortune. Why such a contrast? How could the paradox of the water and the pearls be explained? Someone finally came up with the answer:

    Water is useful but it is also abundant. It’s everywhere around us: it stands in vast lakes or pools, it flows from the rivers and falls from the skies. Any time we want some water, we simply go and get it. But pearls are exceedingly rare and difficult to find. Obtaining an excellent pearl might cost us a lot; we might have to invest everything we have (Matthew 13:45-46).

    But by the same terms, this could turn into a relative truth. Let’s say, for example, that it hadn’t rained for a while. The rivers became dry and pools dwindled. Worries grew and limits were imposed on water usage. Maybe you would only water your lawn once per week; or if conditions worsened it might be banned entirely. Bathing might also be banned, and washing clothes. Before long, water could be limited to drinking and cooking only. And if things got even worse, life itself could be threatened by the shortage. In the end, all the pearls in the world might not buy you a single glass of water.

    The paradox was solved because value was weighed against availability. And as we’re about to see, the story of the water and the pearl is similar to the plight of a torchbearer:

    When you carry a torch for someone and they seem to know it, you may become like a water drop to them. You’re always there waiting—always available if they need you—so they’ll simply learn to take you for granted. You may even become their ‘safety net’ for another relationship, with a person they consider a ‘pearl’. They’ll do this with impunity because they know you’ll be available to pick up the pieces in case the other relationship doesn’t work out.

    But let’s say that other relationship doesn’t work out. Even then, there’s no particular reason why they should come back to you. If they know you’ll still be waiting, they may try a second relationship, or a third, or many more. If they ever come back to you at all, you may very well be their last choice. And nothing in that suggests they really have any respect for you.

    But from the perspective of the torchbearer, another element is equally pernicious. When we carry a torch for someone, especially from a distance, we tend to live in a dream world about it. We’re inclined to fall in love with our perception of that person, rather than the reality of who they are.

    The problem with ideals is that they’re unrealistic and doomed to disappoint­ment. So if you finally get together with that person, it probably wouldn’t be long before you’re terribly disillusioned with them. You may have built a ‘version’ of them in your dreams that they couldn’t possibly match in reality. Carrying a torch is almost always an exercise in futility.

    So please learn a lesson from the bitter experience of others rather than suffering more of it yourself. When you decide to carry a torch for another person, everyone loses. The only legitimate exception, if it is realistically possible, is in seeking reconciliation with an ex-spouse. But if you’re determined to stay the course over that one person, there’s one last, long-shot chance for you. Let’s return to the water and pearls to explain it:

    If you’re carrying a torch for someone and they know it, you’ll simply have to make yourself break away from them. It’s the only winning option you still have. Let them go their way, and make yourself look for another person.

    If you do this, you may quickly find someone whom you like even more! How will you ever know unless you try? And if you do find another person, it will quickly bring two positive effects:

    First, it will help mend your broken heart. The cure for torch bearing is to replace the stagnant relationship with one that is lively and hopeful (Proverbs 13:12.)

    Second, you can now begin a normal relationship with a person who genuinely respects you, without all of that unnatural strain. And wouldn’t that be a relief and a joy?

    Once you find another relationship, or at least a new possibility, you’ll be able to look back on that first relationship in a new light. All of those idealistic notions will seem far less rosy, and you’ll soon put things back in perspective.

    But one more thing could occur from the other end. Your previous ‘flame’ may suddenly realize that you’ve had a change of heart toward them. They can no longer take you for granted—they’re about to lose you! Their ‘safety net’ is about to be withdrawn! Only then might they finally realize how much you truly meant to them all along.

    If there was really any hope for this relationship in the first place, then a trans­formation may occur at this point. The price of water has gone up! You may even become a pearl in their eyes and quickly see them come crawling back to you.

    If this should happen and you do accept them back, there may be enough of a correction to give you a fighting chance. But if they don’t come back to you very soon, it’s really in your best interest to give up on that relationship. If they haven’t wanted you through all of this, they simply never will—unless their disillusionment with others becomes so great that they ‘settle’ for you at last. And that would be a losing situation for both of you.

    And now some applications for the Internet:

    If you’ve carried a torch for a long time, then others in your circle of acquaintances may have given up on you. In bearing your torch, you’ve been rejecting them for all of this time; and if they knew of your shattered hopes, they might feel you were ‘settling’ for them at last. That’s a bad start. But your outlook could change very quickly:

    If you log on to a Christian meeting service, everyone you meet will be new, so a healthy initial interest could still be formed and returned. This will allow you to make the fresh, clean start that you need and maybe find the match you’ve been looking for. And there’s a further benefit:

    Within your circle of acquaintances back home, others may see that you’ve finally dowsed the old torch and intend to make a clean start of it. That may encourage one of them to try their interest in you again. You haven’t just ‘settled’ for them; rather, you’ve discounted your old flame in a completely unrelated way. You’ve turned from a water droplet into a pearl.

    But if you seek a new start at a meeting service, there’s one minor challenge. One of the essay questions may ask about your previous relationship. “What happened?” or “What went wrong? Give us a few words to tell about it.”

    If you’ll simply answer that you got tired of waiting, that’s really enough to say. It also tells any potential match that you’re looking for something real this time and you don’t intend to waste time on another dead-end relationship.

    Finally, even if you’ve never been a torchbearer, you may need to apply these thoughts to someone you’ll meet online. Don’t be apprehensive. Some torchbearers are the most eligible persons you could possibly hope for. it’s simply that their ‘flame’ was an unrealistic possibility, even for them. Perhaps they had a crush on the campus football hero, the head cheerleader, a classmate on their way into politics, or a charmer on their way to stardom in Hollywood – the sort of person who can dazzle anyone if we’re not careful.

    So in a quiet way, count your blessings. This former torch-bearer is faithful! They are tenaciously true, through thick and thin! And it may just be that the time they’ve wasted in bearing that torch had the unintended effect of reserving them for you, until the day you could come along to claim them.

    One final note in this section: please don’t log onto the Christian meeting services simply for the sake of making another person jealous. It should be an earnest decision that you’re making for yourself with a heart that is truly open toward others. If your old flame should hear of it, become jealous and change their mind, that would simply be an additional, unintended opportunity for you to consider. 

    This has been a difficult chapter. But the good news is that the housekeeping is almost over! Just one chapter more—a very short one—and you’ll be ready for the section that helps you find a good match online.