Chapter 5: Whom the Son Sets Free
In chapter 2 we discussed the decision each of us makes between remaining single or seeking marriage. Eventually, most of us will choose the latter—or at least we’ll appear to do so on the surface. But deeper inside, is it really so?
In this chapter we’ll discuss a more subtle influence that can grow alongside your decision, if your season of singleness has been too prolonged. Subtle though it may be, it is so powerful that it can actually reverse your desire in practical terms and keep you single for good – even if you thought you'd prefer marriage all along.
We begin with the story of a light: the glory of God as He appeared to Moses in the burning bush. He spoke of the affliction of His people which He had seen, and of their groans which He had heard:
“I have surely seen the oppression of My people who are in Egypt, and have heard their cry because of their taskmasters, for I know their sorrows.”
(Exodus 3:7)
By the greatness of His love and an outstretched arm, He brought them up from bondage into a glorious new liberty and hope. A beautiful new relationship was about to begin; and as they followed Him into the wilderness, He likened their affection to a betrothal:
“I remember you, the kindness of your youth, the love of your betrothal, when you went after Me in the wilderness, in a land not sown.”
(Jeremiah 2:2)
For the children of Israel, this was the beginning of a good, kind, loving and trusting relationship with the Lord—or at least it had that potential. Because soon, an astonishing and horrible thing happened: “for in their hearts they turned back to Egypt” (Jeremiah 2:2,12-13; Acts 7:39).
Israel had seemed so happy in the beginning, yet they drew back and longed again for their former sorrows. Somehow, even the graves of Egypt seemed better to them than the land of milk and honey (Exodus 14:11). And sometimes, a similar phenomenon can happen within the church, the bride of Christ:
Jesus came as a light into the world, and He called us to the glorious liberty of the cross (John 8:36; Galatians 5:13). He intended to make us His glorious bride, whom He could shower with loving devotion forever (Psalms 46:13-15). But some of us, in our hearts, would come to view this liberty as an ‘offense’ and secretly desire to be in bondage again; so that we close our hearts and ‘return to the country from which we came’ (Galatians 4:9; 5:11-13; Hebrews 11:15). And if this can happen between Christ and the church, it can certainly occur in the microcosm between a Christian man and woman.
A single Christian who desires a spouse may call upon the Lord in the days of their loneliness, with many a heartfelt prayer. As if in answer, someone wonderful will appear in their lives. Like Israel in the wilderness, things are off to a wonderful start! But before much longer they’ll start to unravel. The relationship flounders as a form of self-destruction ensues. For some of us, this has happened repeatedly.
As the relationship fails, they’ll return to the land of their sorrows with a terrible sense of dejection. Why does this always seem to happen to them? Many days of bitter tears will follow. But astonishingly, something deeper inside of them will take a renewed comfort in their loneliness. They are relieved. They are … safe.
Apparently, sorrow has one great advantage after all, to the person who has been there long enough: it has become familiar to them, and at least they know how to function that way. It’s a bare, minimalist existence after all – unhappy, weak, and beggarly – but its survival.
Happiness, on the other hand, is unfamiliar. While romance could bring them happiness, it usually begins with an element of the unknown and carries risk. The poor unhappy soul will wonder if they can still function that way so they’ll withdraw, subconsciously ‘sabotaging’ their own relationships, perhaps repeatedly, to stay in place. It’s a sad question of survival after all.
So let’s look to Christ and the church for the answer. Jesus told us that those who follow Him must count the cost (Luke 14:28-30). In other words, this journey into a lasting relationship is not just a matter of deciding to start; you must consider the entire journey and decide to accept the challenge all the way to the end. This is for your own sake, before the question of a potential partner even enters the question. We’re talking about you. If someone right should come your way in the near future, would you, in dealing with your own feelings, be willing to fully commit to that possible life, even in the event of possible setbacks?
In the very next parable, Jesus gave a positive application for the very same concept (Luke 14:31-33). By an honest foresight, you must decide whether you can fight the good fight and prevail, or if you must surrender. If you’ve been facing the challenge of failing relationships, that is the remedy I would suggest for you. Allow me to illustrate through a personal example:
As I have already shared, I was shy of girls in my younger days. In fact, I was very shy generally. But after years of bumping along, hoping for a wonderful relationship and achieving nothing, I knew I had to change. To find a match, I needed to step away from the familiar and attempt a new course into the unknown, even if I ran into setbacks. And a dual element of ‘projection and trust’ gave me the courage to face this realistically:
I began with the bigger picture. How might five more years of this loneliness seem to me, compared to the same five years of trusting the Lord in seeking a good relationship and hopefully finding her, even if it meant the fear of the unknown? Or how would I compare those two scenarios after ten more years? (Do you see the positive and negative working together? Like a pair of scissors, cutting to the heart of the matter.)
I finally decided that, in trusting the Lord, the unknown element of risk was less troubling and more acceptable to me than the known elements of continued loneliness and sorrow, especially if compounded over additional years! Of course, my hope was that this risk would lead to a wonderful relationship, but at the very least I knew I couldn’t stay where I was. Risk was the only realistic path forward and I would just have to trust the Lord to be with me, including making me less shy. And I knew I should begin this journey at once, since I wasn’t getting any younger.
The result was my marriage to Nancy.
When I decided to trust the Lord in this romantic quest, He had some additional thoughts to share with me, as a Christian man. This came through such a strong impression that it virtually took the form of words within my heart, and I’ve taken the liberty of expressing it here in a similar way:
“Loren, I want to show you how I treat my bride.” And He drew my attention to a prophecy about Jesus, found in Isaiah 53: “Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows, and the chastisement for our peace was upon Him.”
“I love My bride and always protect her feelings, bearing all of her griefs and sorrows Myself, in order to shelter her. And if I bring a Christian woman into your life, then I will expect the same from you.
“You are to guard her emotions protectively, even if your own emotions are hurt in the process; you are to defend her feelings, even by shielding them with your own. You must love her first, as I do, so that she need only respond to your love and never suffer the fear of rejection.”
For Nancy, in her own fears, hearing this was a major turning point. In the years since then, we have shared this concept with a number of her lady friends and we have yet to meet a Christian woman who was not profoundly moved by it.
But for single Christian man, as I was in those days, the hairs stood up on the back of my neck and I silently straighten; my lips tighten and my eyes open widely at such words. It was the call to an incredible level of sacrifice, and from deeply inside I realized that this really was the voice of the Lord speaking to me, and I would have to grow into it. And for other Christian men, it must be the same.
So ladies, you must reverence this sort of care when you receive it and always treat it with the respect it deserves. Even if your answer to this man is ‘No’, you must deal with him kindly; and if the answer in your heart is more hopeful, then surely you will see (with reference to Chapter 2,) that those Victorian ethics of feigned indifference are entirely inappropriate here. The poor guy is suffering and risking enough without your purposely hurting him further. Look to Jesus in His own love for you and appreciate the gift that is being offered through this Christian gentleman; for to those who have, more will be given and they will have abundance.
Allow me one further example. Before we met, Nancy had been proposed to five times. She seemed to have no problem with popularity, but was afraid of commitment because her parents had divorced. Afterward she became the caretaker for her grandmother, and again for her mother, as the years rolled by.
By the time we met on-line, she was thoroughly caught in the emotional dilemma we’ve described: desiring to find love but fearing the changes it would bring – yet the effect was so subtle that she was consciously unaware of it. She had entered new relationships from time to time, only to quietly ‘sabotage’ them, to use her own words. Sometimes there would be crying and apologies, but beneath it all was a quiet, suffering pain.
In the days after we met, three things gave her the courage to step beyond her fears into the long forgotten world of dreams come true:
1. From the beginning, I told her that I admired the relationship between Christ and the church and that I believed it to be the true model for Christian relationships. It was something I was committed to following with all of my heart.
This doesn’t mean I was perfect. But she was able to see persistence in my intentions and she understood them to be sincere.
2. The same persistence showed her a stability and security that could endure the peaks and valleys of her emotions. In stepping away from something familiar, it gave her something firm to hold onto.
But more importantly, she began to perceive the bigger picture. Beyond me, she began to see the Lord Himself at work in our relationship as an expression of His very own love for her. The love came from me, but it came from Him as well.
3. The third reason that Nancy was encouraged was because we had gently but frankly discussed the things that are expressed in many of these chapters. “And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” (John 8:32)
And now, some applications for the internet:
Quite frankly, you’ll be amazed at some of the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes you’ll find at a Christian meeting service. And as this forum gains greater acceptance in our society, it will attract more of them still. It’s really a superior meeting ground in many ways.
But somewhere along the line, you may also meet the person we’ve described in this chapter. He or she may be a very good, very eligible prospect in every other way, yet deeply within they have this one problem, perhaps without realizing it. It’s kept them single for many years; and if you’ll stop to think about it, that’s probably why they joined the meeting service in the first place:
Without consciously realizing it, they’ve discovered a forum where their hopes and fears may coexist. They can meet lots of people, as often as they wish, and dream of the happiness that a new relationship might bring; yet they can also remain in the familiarity of their solitude the whole time. If that is the case, they may be genuinely open to meeting you at first, yet draw back inexplicably at a later time. A mutual heartache could follow. But now you’ll recognize what you may be seeing and you'll know how to gently talk about it.
With a little patience and understanding, you could be the one who wins through to them at last and helps them stand in the liberty by which Christ has set us free. In such ways, internet relationships can have a ‘ministry’ side as well; and the joy this brings may lead to a partnership for the rest of your lives.
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