Chapter 3: The Question You Keep Asking Yourself

 

    If you believe your future would look happier with marriage, then you stand with the vast majority of mankind. Your desire is in the course of nature as God Himself has designed you. But it leads to the eternal question of “Why?”

    Am I asking, “Why would you want to meet someone special?” No, the answer to that speaks for itself. The real question is more sensitive. If you think you’d like a companion in life but you’ve remained single, then the question must be, “What has been holding you back?”

    However indelicate this question may seem, it must be delicately asked and you must honestly consider it for yourself. Because if something has held you back until now, it may continue to do so until you’ve addressed it.

    For most of us, there may be a combination of reasons. As one of them is resolved, another one steps up in its place: like the steps of a clumsy dancer, something keeps blundering into our path.

    Some of those obstacles may be superficial, such as our appearance, manner of dress, or work schedules—things we need to deal with through our own discretion as best we can. But over the next few chapters we’ll look at some subtle, underlying problems that can develop as side effects, if your season of singleness has been too prolonged. These effects can remain to hinder you long after the superficial problems themselves have been resolved. They may even become your real battles.

    Allow me to introduce this concept through a personal example. For most of my early years, I struggled with a weight problem. Those extra pounds were a ‘superficial’ challenge, and in America today they can complicate a love life. But they also produced more subtle problems beneath the surface. In my own case they made me shy. I never even tried asking a girl to go out with me, I was simply too bashful—girls just terrified me! And all of that shyness, in turn, left me inexperienced.

    Later, as a teenager, I lost enough weight to join the Navy. In boot camp I lost even more and firmed myself up through exercise. I had finally gotten into shape! The ‘superficial’ hindrance of extra pounds was removed – but now my other problems seemed bigger. I was still shy and inexperienced, so all of that progress seemed to get me nowhere. I simply had no idea what to do next.

    As another example let’s say that, for many years, someone worked the evening shift as the watchman in a warehouse. A job like that can be lonely, and working such late hours can add a scheduling problem to your social life. (Who wants to go on a date that starts at midnight?) Later, even if their schedule changed, they might feel awkward in long conversations. Too much isolation has left them rusty; they’re unused to socializing and unable to keep a discussion rolling. Once again a side effect has remained even when the ‘superficial’ problem has been resolved.

    Still another person may have been the caretaker for an elderly relative. Because of this, they’ve spent most of their evenings at home for years. In the meantime, their youth slipped away and they became settled in their behavior. Later, when their relative passed and their time was suddenly freed, they have qualms over a new relationship: a fear of commitment, or a sense of apprehension and a wondering whether or not they could still adjust to a new life with a spouse.

    These are but a few examples of things that occupy our social time, or block our social development on the surface, which leave more subtle counterparts after they’ve been resolved. But how can these persons overcome their shyness, sharpen their social skills, or gain knowledge to compensate for their lack of experience? Of course, Jesus is the answer, so let’s turn to Him:

    Try to remember that Jesus did not come into this world to be served, but to serve and to give His life as a ministry to others (Matthew 20:28). He built rapport through generous giving and not just receiving.

    As a reflection of this basic attitude, He would encourage you to develop a different focus. When you feel shy, it’s because you’re self-conscious; a lonely person has a natural focus that is inward. But a healthy care for others would help draw your attention outward and break the ice for you. You’d feel less apprehensive and speak more freely if you knew you were seeking the good of others. But how would a shy person begin this transformation?

    For me, an early example came through an acquaintance who ministered in a local nursing home. Many of their patients had birth defects which caused speech impediments, making them difficult to understand. But my friend, a young lady, amazed me by drawing them into lengthy conversations which greatly encouraged them. It showed them her care because she had placed such a high value on what they wanted to say.

    “I’ll be honest,” I told her afterward. “I couldn’t even understand most of what they said.”

    “Neither could I.” she said with a smile. “But I try to pick out things that I can understand, and ask a little more about them:

    “For example, the young man we were just visiting was talking about television. I understood him when he said ‘Lassie,’ so I asked if that was one of his favorite shows. When he said ‘Yes,’ I asked him why he liked it so much. That gave him a little more to talk about. And as I kept listening, he mentioned something else about the show that I was able to catch. So I asked him what he thought about that, which allowed him to speak some more. So you invite them to elaborate and carry on the best conversation you can.”

    An illustration was added:

    “It’s like seeing a chain of islands from the air. Those islands are really the peaks of an underwater mountain range, and if you see enough of them, you can start to guess the extent of the range. Even so, if you catch enough of their words, you can pull them together and surmise the rest of what they’re trying to say. And if you make mistakes, they’ll understand. Gosh, they’re just happy you care enough to try!”

    I thought of her as a brilliant conversationalist, but in truth she wasn’t saying much at all. She spent most of her time listening and asking questions that allowed them to elaborate and express themselves. Needless to say, when she walked into the room, her friends always brightened. Miss Popularity had arrived and they were the center of her attention! Beyond fluffing pillows and running small errands, this was the real heart of her ministry.

    In a similar way, when someone spoke to Jesus, He often drew them into further conversation by asking for their opinions, or allowed them to express themselves more fully on the subject before He responded. Also, He never left any part of their questions or comments unanswered.

    After listening to them and giving them His attention, Jesus tried to include their comments in His answers – even to the point of building on their words if possible. This extended a natural bridge to them, giving them every reason for listening in return—and that’s what a dialogue is all about.

    So take a hint from the Lord Himself and from His maidservant at the nursing home: When you meet someone new, you may be at a loss for what to say. But the simple truth is that they’re probably just as nervous as you. So try to refocus. Instead of wondering about yourself and the impression you’re making, help them overcome their own feelings of awkwardness. Try to make them feel accepted as they speak with you: “A man who has friends must himself be friendly” (Proverbs 18:24). And by doing this, you will win an acceptance of your own.

    Let’s return to our analogy of the island chain, but at a more complex level. Rather than viewing the ‘islands’ as simple words that are picked from a sentence, let’s view them as the evidence of life decisions which have surfaced in the course of a conversation. This ‘evidence’ may be as simple as an opinion they’ve expressed, yet it reflects a deeper knowledge, preference, interest or rationale which led to a decision. This will be the ‘mountain range’ of deeper thought beneath the surface, in support of the ‘peak’ you’ve just heard.

    For example, let’s say you’re greeting a visitor after church on a Sunday morning. In America, once the introductions have been made, one of the next questions will usually be, “What do you do for a living?”

    For the sake of this example, let’s say that your visitor is a police officer. “Really?” you might say. “That’s interesting. May I ask, what made you decide to become a policeman?” As you may imagine, there can be a vast world of motivation or idealism behind such a choice. The ‘peak’ of information you’ve heard has revealed an ‘underwater mountain range’ to explore.

    As our visitor responds, a door is opened for him to express himself; and as you listen, further ‘island peaks’ may come to your attention:

    “Well,” he may answer, “when I was a kid I watched a TV series called ‘The FBI.’ Television cops always got their man! Real-life police work is harder than that, but I didn’t like the idea of being in a world where innocent people were hurt and bad people had an advantage. I wanted to do something about that.”

    Your visitor has answered your question and shown much more of his heart; but he has also given you a dozen more avenues to pursue. “So, is it your goal to become an FBI agent?” you might ask. “And what would you have to do to accomplish that?” Or, “You say it’s harder than we think; what’s the hardest part of your job? Or what is the most rewarding part?” Or perhaps, “It sounds like justice is very important to you personally. You’ve actually made it into a career. Why such a strong motivation?”

    Eventually, even if you run out of the easy ‘peak’ questions, you might offer hypotheticals based on what you’ve been told. “Look, if you could change one law to improve things, what would you suggest?” Or, “Let’s say you were invited to a junior high to address the students. What would you most like to say to a young person at risk?”

    Or let’s say your visitor has answered quite differently. “Well, I work on an assembly line. I don’t like it much, but you gotta do something to pay the bills.”

    You might respond, “What type of work would you like to find?” And if he doesn’t know, you might ask, “What sort of things do you enjoy doing?” or “What sort of skills to you have?” or “What would you say that you’re good at?” Or you might even ask, “Why don’t you like your job? If you could suggest an improvement, what would it be?”

    In each case, please notice that these polite inquiries have been open-ended. In answering them, your new friend would usually say more than ‘yes’ or ‘no’; it would allow them to open up, elaborate and express themselves.

    As you listen to their answers, they may lead to an area where you, too, have an opinion and that would allow you to turn your small talk into a dialogue. That’s the mark of success from both your perspectives, and that’s how friendships are made. But try to focus on your new friend’s interests first: let them open up, express themselves and feel accepted:

    “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

(Philippians 2:3-4)

    The passage goes on to say, “Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus,” for He is always the example we seek to follow and the one whom we ultimately wish to please.

    And now, some special applications for the Internet:

    If you’re learning new interpersonal skills, you’ll probably need some practice. For this, you’ll need an avenue for meeting new people and enough information to help get your conversations rolling. An Internet meeting service would be a great place for this because of the basic information it provides.

    To make the introductions easier, each new member starts by filling out a questionnaire. This is used to generate a ‘profile’ which is like a scripted autobiography. As you might imagine, depending on the service you’ve chosen, some of those profiles contain a wealth of ‘mountain peak’ information. (A sample questionnaire is included at the back of this book, plus a detailed explanation in Chapter 16.)

    By their very nature, the meeting services help your learning in another way. They allow your first communication (your profile) to be carefully scripted. You may carefully choose your words in telling others about yourself, and through this put your best foot forward.

    Once you’ve met someone on-line who interests you, your next steps will be to carry on a conversation with them through email or chat rooms. These forums allow a further though quicker degree of scripting because composing a message takes time and allows you to reflect on the things you’re saying. It also gives you one last chance to review your own words before sending them:

1. Does this sound good? Have I expressed myself well?

2. Does it sound like I’ve heard what they just said?

3. Does it interact with their words and respond to them, and offer them a chance to respond to me?

4. Does it uplift them, or have I fallen into bragging about myself?

5. One or two small changes . . . looks good . . . click! (send).

    In this manner you’ll develop a knack for expressing what you really want to say as you learn new skills or perhaps unlearn some old ones, and you’ll probably help others in doing the same. It will also provide a practical means of transition from your old ways to the new. That’s a pretty good deal and a promising start.