Chapter 27: Boy Loses Girl

Nancy:

    After Loren pulled out of the parking lot, I returned to my apartment, greatly distressed. I was fussing and angry, crying, and really grinchy. I knew I needed to be alone and pray.

    After his email about guarding my feelings, I’d had such hope. There was already an attraction—then all of a sudden I was faced with such diversity and opposition. I wanted a man who was sweet and who loved people, but my perception was that Loren had no such love in himself, just a ‘knowing what is right and wrong.’

    When I arrived home, I came into my bedroom and got to my knees. I started praying, and just cried and cried—angry crying with hot tears. It troubled me most because he said that he’d probably forbid his wife to see a marriage counselor or to read psychology books. Instead he’d told me, ‘Just show me in the Scriptures.’

    “Lord!” I said. “How in the world could You be putting us together? Loren is so harsh and judgmental (impassioned and altruistic). He’ll walk all over me! Remember me, Lord? ‘Miss Grace Oriented’? And he’s Saul of Tarsus!”

    I had plenty more to say and I really wasn’t expecting an answer; but before I could say another word, the Lord interrupted with two simple words of His own:

    “He’s right.”

    I stopped my crying immediately. “What?” I said. “What do You mean he’s right?!”

    The silence lingered a moment longer; and in that stillness the rest of my emotions drained away, to be replaced by a listening hush. And then came the same two words again, more softly:

    “He’s right.”

    That shook me up. I knew I’d just been told that he was right, but it wasn’t what I’d wanted to hear! Those words made an indelible impression, but they didn’t assuage my fears at the time.

Loren:

    As I drove back to Dallas, our meeting replayed through my mind. I knew it had all gone badly, so I was thinking in terms of damage control. Did we still have a chance? Could we still work it out? I was looking for clues about her flexibility.

    I recalled that Nancy had grown up Catholic, but she’d gone through a conversion at a later time. We’d discussed that on two occasions. She was brave enough to follow the truth once she perceived it, and that was an encouraging precedent. In fact, a similar episode had followed a few years later:

    After leaving Catholicism, she’d gone to the excesses of the charismatic movement. But when the imbalance in her new beliefs became evident, she’d mustered the courage to reform them again; and this time she’d been selective about it. She’d ‘held fast to the things that were good’ and sought a more balanced approach for the rest (First Thessalonians 5:21). That sort of discretion seemed especially hopeful to me now, because it showed that her discernment was growing.

    (Long-term note: In a very dim way, I was also beginning to realize that our crisis was an opportunity in disguise. Yes, even our disagreements could have a silver lining if we entrusted them to the Lord! (Romans 8:28). This truth was escaping us for the moment because the process was just beginning, but here’s what we would eventually see:

    Every person strikes a certain balance in their lives between the influence of logic and emotions. My life had fallen more heavily toward logical thoughts, while Nancy’s had gone toward emotional feelings. We were at opposite ends of the spectrum with a large, empty gap in between us. In fact, we were so far toward the edges that we were both out of balance. For our own sakes, we both needed to move much closer toward the center (First Corinthians 12:25).

    If only we could bridge our gap by a true care for each other, then that process of correction could begin for each of us. If we could learn from each other we’d each find a new balance somewhere in the middle, which would bring a happier existence to us both. In other words, we could enrich each other’s lives because each of us had what the other still needed.

    Therefore, this was not really a ‘clash’ after all. It was an initial imbalance. It would naturally look its worst at the beginning but would constantly improve over time. And however difficult that was for us to see just now, it would eventually prove itself to us.)

    When I arrived home, I sent a quick email to Nancy to let her know that I’d made it safely and that I’d been thinking along the way. It was already late at night and I was very tired, but I’d think about it some more tomorrow. Admittedly this letter was a little Pollyannaish, but I wanted to show her some optimism until we could talk again.

    The next morning I went for a long walk and thought things over in prayer. We had our problems, but the daylight gave me a brighter outlook. Possible solutions took shape as I reviewed our issues in hindsight. I was soon convinced that, with a little patience and some further discussions, our problems could be resolved after all. My enthusiasm returned and I started homeward. I could hardly wait to organize those thoughts on paper, write that email, and share them with Nancy.

    When I arrived, I fired up my computer to check my email, as my daily custom had been – and there was a letter from Nancy, already waiting for me! I was mildly surprised by that. But as I sat at my desk to read, my surprise turned to dismay.

    It was a ‘Dear John’ letter.

    Nancy opened very graciously, almost poetically, with a heartfelt expression of concern. As my eyes poured over her letter, I counted her reasons for saying that it would never work. “But I thought of that!” I said each time. “There is hope!” But if that was so, then Nancy wouldn’t acknowledge a bit of it. I grew more dejected as I continued reading.

    Her letter was something that a loving mother might have sent to an errant son, with an air that seemed to say, ‘I respect your ideals; but when you’re an older, more experienced person, I hope you’ll see that they just don’t work in the real world. And I hope you’ll find happiness when you make the needful adjustments.’

    After reading her letter, which was extremely well written, I turned in my chair and thought for a while. My eyes glanced over the books in my bookcase and the objects on my desk, as I sat in silence. Then I finally looked upward sadly and spoke to the Lord about it:

    “Lord, I think anyone who read that letter objectively would completely agree with her.” But before I could say another word, He interrupted and spoke to me very clearly:

    “Yield this up to Me.”

    “But . . . but, Lord!” I thought, as competing thoughts came crowding into my mind. But I also knew that if He’d spoken, then I should remain silent. If that was His decision then I could trust Him in it.

    “Yes, Lord.” I replied, though I was still astonished and trembling. But in the meantime, I knew that I’d have to answer her graciously, or it would seem terribly insensitive of me.   

Dear Nancy, 4/17/99

    Greetings; grace to you, and peace from God our Father and our Lord Jesus Christ. He makes all things work together for good to those who love God, who are the called according to His purpose. Indeed, we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.

    Nancy, on my way home from Tulsa yesterday, I thought of many things that I wanted to share with you. I actually thought of most of your objections, too, though I suppose I saw them in a more hopeful light. After reading through your letter this morning, I felt a renewed sense of urgency—that I wanted to share those thoughts with you now; but I also felt the Lord telling me No, not to bring them up but simply to surrender all to Him.

    My dear and true friend, I do believe that God works all things together for our good and that His thoughts toward us are for peace, to give us a future and a hope. Somewhere in the course of all we’ve shared are the seeds of further growth, for each of us, if it pleases God to return to them soon and give increase. I’m speaking about all sorts of lessons for our lives. But He must be the teacher for those and we must leave them in His hands.

    Nancy, I do have one very earnest request for you. I would almost ask you to promise me this, though I’d be much happier if you would promise this to yourself:

    In our relationship, God was addressing your hope for a husband one day. Perhaps I was not that hope in itself, but I may still have been a step toward it. I may still have helped prepare you for that man, who is yet to come. So please let that be the joy that I share with you, to console my heart in this.

    Nancy, please entrust yourself to God and don’t be discouraged, but view all of this as a process of hope unfolding. The love of God does not disappoint, because our hope is in Him; nor did He intend these things to end your hope, but rather, to give you a hopeful future. You are a beautiful, wonderful woman, Nancy. You’re a special treasure, a pearl of great price. Don’t let your light be hidden under a lamp stand, but let it brightly shine and gladden the heart of another man, who may gladden your own heart in return; for to see your happiness in this would cause me to rejoice with you.

    I would really love to remain friends with you, if you’re willing. I will also say quite honestly that my heart is still open to other things for us if you should change your mind. But I must also be honest in saying that I need to take my own advice and try to learn, adjust, and seek a happiness that may yet be with another person. The door is still open for now; yet the day may come when another walks through it and it draws so gently closed, though memories would always remain. I know you would hope for this happiness for me, as well.

    Please don’t be reluctant or afraid to write. I would love to hear from you! His peace be with you.

    - Loren

Nancy:

    As I prepared the ‘Dear John’ letter for Loren, I was sorting through many emotions. Everything was based on emotion at that point. I still had a feeling that I could be trapped in this; caught in a situation that I couldn’t communicate my way out of. And if I wasn’t being heard or understood, it really made me feel panicky.

    But there was another element of emotion involved. In the past, whether good or bad, I’d always been in control of my relationships. Now I was getting closer to a man and I seemed to be giving up control. I needed to work on my ability to trust a man in my life. Those were the emotions I understood on the surface, but something even deeper was happening, too:

    I began to think, “What if he sees me as I am, and he doesn’t like me after all, and rejects me? I’m going to go ahead and sabotage this now so he won’t have the opportunity to run and reject me first; I had better cut it off now, before I get into something I can’t handle.” That thought was subliminal at the time, but it was a very real part of my motivation.

    When I received Loren’s reply, I was pleased that his words had been kind, that he’d encouraged me, and that he still wanted to be friends. But in another way it threw me again, because he’d surrendered so completely without trying to pursue me. “Oh!” I thought, “That’s a switch!” and especially after the hopeful letter he’d sent me the night before.

    But when I read that part about looking elsewhere, and ‘happiness with another person,’ and ‘the door closing one day,’ I thought to myself, “Huh? What?!” I didn’t know what to make of that. But I would soon find out.

Loren:

    After receiving Nancy’s ‘Dear John’ letter I was heartbroken, but I knew that I couldn’t allow myself to stay there. If I carried a torch for her it would surely bring more heartache and it would probably be futile anyway. A person in that situation will lose no matter what. With reference to Chapter 6, my only real chance was to become a ‘pearl’ rather than a ‘water droplet’, which would turn all of my options into winning ones. This meant that I should sincerely seek happiness with another person now, while watching to see if Nancy would come around.

    In all this time, my subscription at the meeting service had not yet expired, so I decided to log on again. But when I did, it no longer seemed familiar to me. My screen name and password were like ancient memories, and my arrival was like returning to an abandoned house. All of my old friends were gone now—long gone, in fact—so I was compelled to start again from scratch. And yes, I’ll admit that these attempts were half-hearted because I was still trying to get over Nancy.

    Rather than pursuing someone earnestly, I began to browse the new members as they joined each day. If one of them had potential, I sent her a nice letter of welcome and encouragement, and gave her some hints for making her first two weeks more hopeful. As half-hearted attempts will do, this brought mediocre results, but that was all right with me. I was healing and I could always step up the pace later if I started feeling better.

    In the meantime, something else occurred. I received another email from Nancy! It was a ‘friendship’ letter with a happy tone—she just wanted to touch base and see how I was, and to chat with me for a bit. Even in our disagreements, I’ve always found her congenial and caring, and always an encouragement to be with. As her letter closed, she even made a joke about our controversy on psychology by signing her letter, “Your favorite conflict, Nancy.”

    This began a process which seemed to last for months; but looking back over our old emails now, I’m astonished to see that it really only lasted about two weeks. How quickly things go, on the internet! And of course I was more than happy to resume talking to her. In many ways we were such a good pair, and that part of our match was starting to win out now. Meanwhile, the parts that still needed balance were finding reform. We were starting to feel enriched by each other’s attention, care, and thoughts, and the terms of our relationship were growing hopeful again.

Nancy:

    A couple of days after writing the ‘Dear John’ letter, I wrote another, cheerful letter to Loren. I still wanted to be friends and I didn’t want there to be any hard feelings between us. But shortly after that, something else occurred.

    I don’t know why I did this—probably just out of boredom—but I signed back onto the internet and started surfing around. My subscription at the meeting service had still not expired, so I logged in to that again, too. I had no intention of looking for another match; I thought I’d check my email or something. While I was on line, I decided to call up Loren’s profile on a whim. But when I did, I was shocked at what I found:

    “What?!” I thought. “What’s he doing!” This particular service had a ‘mail manager’ function, so I could tell that he’d been online again and that he’d been sending out letters. In just a few days, he’d sent about ten of them!

    “But he’s not supposed to do that!” I thought (as any woman in my situation would). “He’s supposed to be waiting for me, in case I change my mind!” I was miffed! And I’ll admit it, I was jealous now! (Romans 10:19).

    As we kept exchanging letters over the next two weeks, his pace at the meeting service slackened but the letters kept going out. Eventually he would send another twenty or so. I had no way of knowing who those letters were sent to, whether he had another girlfriend now, or several; but in the meantime he and I were still just talking as friends.

    Also, three other things changed. He posted new photos to his profile, which I’d never seen before. That told me he was serious about all of this. He had also revised the essay that asked, “Tell us why your previous relationship failed?” It was a cheerful enough answer, but now it was talking about me!

    And finally, in our correspondence, he’d changed the tone of his email signature. Prior to LaFortune Park, he’d been bold enough to sign his letters ‘love always’; but now he would end them by saying ‘yours always,’ and every woman catches a difference like that!

Loren:

    In Deuteronomy 32:21, God answered Israel’s wavering heart by provoking them to jealousy. Because they would not cleave to Him, He turned His salvation to the Gentiles; and when the Jews saw Him do that, they became envious:

    “But . . . but that’s OUR God! What are the Gentiles doing with our God?” It would cause them to reconsider everything. And eventually, through that very jealousy, He would win their affections forever (Romans 11:26). Something very similar was happening now between Nancy and me.

    As we traded emails over the next two weeks, we returned to each of our issues separately in a congenial way. We were able to organize and present our thoughts more clearly, and to ponder each other’s point of view. But we still hadn’t resumed our phone calls. The more thoughtful and deliberate approach of writing letters allowed us to resolve our issues with less pressure and led to more agreement than we had realized.

    Eventually we returned to the issue of psychology and I was able to explain my reservations in a concise, orderly way. Nancy read my letters and we discussed the points I’d raised. Finally she wrote back to me and said: “Right now, I can agree with at least 70 percent of what you’ve written.” I was elated. And as it turned out, that would bring a new start to our relationship.

    I wrote back to Nancy, telling her that from all I could see, our former differences had been resolved. If she agreed this was so, then I asked if she would be willing to start the relationship again? She did agree, and we planned another meeting in Tulsa.

    And in the meantime, one other ‘coincidence’ took place:

    I normally taught an adult Sunday School class at my church, which had made it difficult for us to spend our weekends together – but now the teaching trimester was over. I’d been asked to teach again and I’d intended to, but a miscommunication took place. Consequently, my new class was never scheduled and my weekends were suddenly free.