Chapter 24: After the First Date

Loren:

    Nancy and I met for church on Easter morning, and she wore a pretty brown suit with a skirt, because brown was my favorite color. But my attention was caught by something else. She’d worn blue jeans the night before, so this was my first glimpse at a really great pair of legs!

    Had I known it, that was exactly the sort of compliment she longed to hear. But of course I would never say such a thing on a first date, and especially not in church on an Easter morning!

    Nancy seemed very cheerful that morning and she’d bought a friend whom she introduced to me. I sat with them during the service but we didn’t have much chance to talk.

    The service opened with a long round of praise songs, some of them familiar to me, but most not, or else they sang them differently. I tried to learn them as we went. But Nancy knew them all and she gave herself to them entirely. She poured out her heart to the Lord in a way that was beautiful and spiritually passionate.

    The church was meeting in a high school auditorium that was filling rapidly. Down in front, someone stood to their feet to worship, then a second person, and then Nancy was third. Twenty people stood in all, out of about 1,000. Here were the most passionate worshipers in the church, and Nancy was one of the most instant from among them. And when she stood to her feet, two things occurred to me almost simultaneously:

    “My gosh, what a heart she has for the Lord!!!”

        and second,

    “Dang, she’s got nice legs!”

    After the service, we only had a moment to talk in the parking lot because she needed to be on her way. Nancy would be spending Easter with her friend as a guest of their family. I told her I’d send an email when I arrived home, to let her know I’d made it safely. We gave each other a hug and said goodbye.

    From the moment we parted, I began to review our meeting in hindsight. Over and over it played through my mind. Something about the constant roar of wheels on the highway produced a ‘white noise’ that lent itself to meditation. Chiefly, I was focused on a single question: Did Nancy like me or not? I was plagued with doubts over her opinion.

    I thought of the things she’d said and especially of the way she’d said them. She’d always seemed so open and friendly. But then again, she’d behaved that way toward everyone. Recall her conversation with the pregnant waitress—and there were others besides. Because she was so friendly in general, it was difficult to establish her interest in me, in particular.

    The meeting kept pouring through my mind but I seemed to be getting nowhere. I prayed and worried a lot. Finally, about halfway home, a subtle hint broke through the fog:

    While at dinner, I had noticed something amusing. Nancy had gradually licked off her own lipstick. It struck me that perhaps she was unused to wearing it, and I’d smiled at that. But suddenly I found myself leaning forward intently, to consider it earnestly:

    By the end of our dinner, the lipstick was entirely gone; but when we arrived at Nordaggio’s it was back in place again. Sometime during the drive over, she must have taken the time to check her appearance and put on fresh lipstick. But did that contain the hint I needed?

    After hours of conversation, an initial impression had surely been formed and she was still concerned about the impression that she was making on me. It implied that she was interested, because she was still putting her best foot forward; it signaled that an initial, positive evaluation had been made. I went over this clue in my mind for another half hour. I wanted to believe it was true, but had it really happened that way? Yes, it had. Really? YES! And what else could it mean?

    My heart pulsed with adrenalin as I reviewed it further, only to reach the same conclusion each time. Wow, talk about pulling one out of the ether! This one had been plucked from the thinnest air and it amazed me. I knew that I liked her and now I had some evidence that she liked me, too! And since we seemed to have a chance, I started planning what to say.

    Immediately upon arriving home, I sent Nancy a brief email to tell of my safe return and to give her my initial thoughts. But my real letter would take a while longer:

    “Nancy, it was really a pleasure meeting you, as well as an honor. I really like you very much. For now I have some things to catch up with, but I’ll write to you again before the night is over.”

( . . ) Yours in Christ,
(  u  ) -Loren

Nancy:

    I received Loren’s first email, which was very kind and encouraging. No one had ever told me that it was an honor spending time with me before—it touched me. So I waited to hear what his second letter would say. I knew he would follow through with his promise and write soon.

    By the way, Loren and I discussed the ‘lipstick clue’ a few months later and I laughed when I heard it. It was really just a coincidence—my lips were feeling chapped was all! But thanks to his ignorance about women’s lipstick, the door was being opened for an important step to occur.

Loren:

Dear Nancy, 4/4/99 (Easter Sunday, late at night)

    Greetings; grace to you, and peace from God our Father and our Lord Jesus Christ. He hears those who fear His name, as they speak one to another, and He writes their names in a book of remembrance before Him. Indeed they are His special treasures, precious jewels, and He spares those who meditate on His name.

    Nancy, I just wanted to tell you how thoroughly I enjoyed meeting you and spending time with you over the weekend. In the years since I’ve come to Christ, I’ve had a few very special friends with whom I could spend such time, sharing about the Lord over a soda or an ice cream, or in a park until late at night or the early morning hours. And where two or three are gathered in His name, there is He in their midst. I confess, I’ve learned more about the Lord in such times than in all of the sermons I’ve heard, combined.

    But I also saw in you the same thrill, the same exhilaration over the Lord that I saw in my younger, happier days, and shared with those who were my true companions in Him (and remain so to this day). This may be difficult for me to explain, but you were like a breath from the past, from happier days before the struggles in my church began, of which I spoke. Spending time with you reminded me of days that were hopeful and care free, before the darkness came. You’re like a living picture of where I grew up, a dream of the Garden of Eden. Meeting you was like stepping back through a corridor of time into a lovely spring morning (Psalm 110:3). It was a very happy meeting for me. I only hope that you were also blessed, enough to be willing to meet with me again in the days to come.

    Nancy, as we’ve been writing for several weeks now, we’ve really just tried to be friends and to encourage each other. Your friendship is very valuable to me and I would very much like to see it grow. I wouldn’t like to see anything jeopardize that. So even though I’m basically talking about friendship, I also need to address something more. This may seem a bit awkward, but if you’ll think for a moment about the possible alternatives, especially in regard to timing, I think you’ll agree that waiting any longer could only be harder and someone could get hurt if I did. So if I may be so delicate as to proceed, I think we need a basic understanding about the possibility of romance joining our relationship one day.

    I have seen that when a man likes a woman and they’re friends, it can be very happy. But if his thoughts turn to love, he risks losing even her friendship by telling her so. If she feels the same and she’s agreeable, a new dimension of happiness may be gained and of course they’ll rejoice; but if that’s not the way she feels, it so often seems that she’ll destroy even their friendship lest he ‘get the wrong idea,’ and so he’ll end up losing everything.

    Nancy, I’m really sincere in saying that I wouldn’t risk your friendship for anything, and that’s really the truth, so that’s why I have to bring this up now. I need to express some basic thoughts and feelings now that we’ve actually met. I must also ask you to be patient while I explain some of my background thoughts first, before saying those things.

    In the past, when I’ve considered a relationship with a woman, I’ve always asked myself a basic question first: “How far could this relationship go before it fails?” If I could answer that question in any way, “Thus far, but no further ...” then there was really no point in beginning. I hope that doesn’t sound pessimistic, because the intention is to be considerate.

    If I could already see that a relationship would ultimately fail, then why waste her time and mine, and put both of our feelings at risk, to proceed with it anyway? Contrary to popular opinion, it is better not to love than to love and lose (Matthew 19:10).

    So if I do start a relationship with a woman, it means that I’ve sincerely tried to think about everything and there’s clear sailing for as far as I can see. It means that, based on what I know so far, this relationship could go all the way to a lifelong partnership without any serious obstacles. It doesn’t mean it must go that far, or even that it might. It simply means that my heart is completely open, in case it should.

    Nancy, in your profile you mentioned that your last boyfriend was afraid of the “C” word. So I’ve assumed that, for you, any other man would have to be different: someone who was not afraid of commitment. In that sense also, it seemed the most faithful to think about all of this beforehand as best I could, and basically that’s what I’ve done.

    When we met through email, I liked everything about you except that you were a year older, which was a preference well-compensated for. I was very honest with you about that, as you also were with me. I even thought about long-range problems like jobs, distances, etc., before writing back to you, because I’d never have just led you on. Distance was the biggest factor in my last relationship failing, so it deserved special attention.

    The truth is Nancy, that if I were ever to relocate, the easiest city in the world for me would be Tulsa, since I already have friends, family and my customer there, as well as a major headquarters facility for my company, and they could likely arrange some sort of transfer for me. (In fact, my customer has requested this several times).

    Nancy, I don’t mean any of this to sound as though I’m presuming on you. All of the things I’ve mentioned so far have been a contingency. They’re like the valley of dry bones: the bones came together and stood on their feet, and sinews and flesh came over them, but they remained lifeless shells until the Lord breathed life into them. In a similar way I foresaw these possibilities if the Lord (and you and I) should ever decide to pursue them.

    Nancy, there’s one other thought I want to share with you as a preliminary, before I show you my heart more plainly. Actually, it’s something that Jesus once shared with me, based on Isaiah 53.

    When Jesus died on the cross for the church, His bride, His sacrifice went beyond bearing our sins alone. As you know, He also bears our griefs and carries our sorrows. But not many people stop to think about those implications of the cross.

    The Lord has shown me that if I’m in a relationship with a woman, I must follow His example and always do my best to protect her feelings, even if it means bearing the grief and sorrows myself. Nancy, if necessary, I will always shield your feelings even with my own, and risk having my own feelings hurt in order to protect yours. I will take the risk of rejection so that you need never fear it, just as Jesus was the one who first loved us.

    I want to tell you through this, Nancy, that I really do like you very much. Your heart for the Lord is touching and beautiful. You are a gentle spring morning; a flower that blooms at dawn, the gentleness of dew in a garden.

    Also, I think your personality naturally bridges some gaps for me, as I once predicted it would (did I seem overly shy to you? I might have been, except that your personality naturally draws out the best in me).

    Nancy, I was also very surprised by how pretty you are. The picture in your profile simply does not do you justice. Also, in your profile, you’d considered yourself ‘average’ looking, when a more realistic response would’ve been ‘above average’ or even ‘very good looking’. And you were certainly right about your eyes: they are lovely. I could have gazed into them all night (in fact, you may have noticed, that’s pretty much what I did :-).

    I can only think that you’re very modest in describing yourself, which is a supreme beauty in itself; or else you wanted to make sure that the only men who contacted you were sincerely interested in you for yourself and for your walk with God.

    Nancy, I’m telling you honestly that I’m in a place where I would very much like to see our relationship grow, both in terms of friendship and in taking the first steps toward a romantic interest. I’m really very interested in getting to know you better in both ways. So please be thinking about the things I’ve said, and be praying about them, and please give me some indication of your thoughts on them.

    If you, too, would like to begin a romantic side to our relationship, I’ll try to stay about a half-step ahead of you. That way I’ll always be in a position to receive you when you’re ready for the next step, that your feelings may be protected, but without my running too far ahead of you. That requires a delicate balance on my part, so you’ll have to be understanding and pray a lot, too.

    Nancy, if you’re not ready for that, or if you’ve decided you only want to be friends, please go ahead and tell me that also, because this would be the time for it. As I said, I’d like to begin a more serious relationship, but I don’t want to risk losing your friendship in the process. All I know how to do is to be honest in expressing my heart and my thoughts to you, and await your words in return.

    Gosh, it’s already past 2:00 a.m. and I’m already so tired. I really must get whatever sleep I still can. My dear, have a wonderful day at work tomorrow and may you rejoice in His new mercies of the morning.

( . . ) Yours sincerely,
(  u  ) -Loren