Chapter 22: Boy Meets Girl
Throughout this book, I’ve drawn from the ideal of Christ and the church as a pattern for Christian relationships. The subject has intrigued me for many years and has shaped my walk with the Lord from its earliest days. Now those lessons would prepare me for meeting Nancy, and our courtship would adapt those principles to the internet.
Loren:
In the months before meeting Nancy, I’d browsed my share of profiles online. Unlike her, I’d tried several of the meeting services, but with mixed results. Twice, a fairly serious relationship had developed. I was learning the practicalities of the medium, adapting, and shaking off the dust of my solitude.
In practical terms, my quest had become a double search. Before finding a good match, I needed to find a good matching service where the right sorts of questions were being asked. Their profile questions needed to reflect the Lord’s criteria well enough to allow searching by the same understanding (see Chapter 8); but by then, most of the industry had moved toward a quick format with minimal questions, which I found nearly useless (But if your only criterion is: “Hunky brown-haired guy who likes golf?” you may disagree with me.)
Still, I’d grown discouraged in those days so I set the idea aside for a while. Several research projects were awaiting my attention, so I returned and grew absorbed in them.
One day in February of 1999, a friend told me of another Christian website that he’d found. It had a two-week free trial membership, and in his opinion it had more potential than the others (in fact, he eventually met his bride there.) When he described its features, I was impressed. Returning home that evening, I logged onto the internet and called up the site he’d mentioned. At once I saw its potential – and that’s where Nancy and I would eventually meet.
I began my trial membership on a weekend. Using foresight, I completed all of their questions, including their essays, on the first day because I knew that would give me the best start. I also submitted photographs, which were posted the next morning. Over the next few days, between searches, I revised and polished my essays, as any good editor would. And it worked! Within two weeks I’d built a circle of acquaintances online and later had the privilege of meeting some of them in person. But even now I was learning and adjusting so that I’d always do better next time. And by early in my third week, Nancy had joined my circle.
Nancy:
Usually, dating is common for someone with a ‘Tiggery’ personality like mine. But mostly, I was looking for commitment—you know, the infamous “C” word. How many of you ladies have complained, “There just aren’t any guys who are willing to commit!”? That was me, too! But actually, I was the one who was failing in that area.
Beginning in my early 20’s, I’d seen many of my friends getting married so of course my hopes were high. But within just a few more years, some of those couples – even Christian couples – were divorcing. Well-known Christian leaders were caught in adultery. A favorite Christian magazine read like a gossip tabloid, with failed Christian celebrity marriages. Divorce had grown into an epidemic; and each time it happened, broken lives were left in a circle all around me. I came from a broken home myself, so I allowed this to play on my fears. I was afraid it might happen to me.
Subconsciously, a defense began to build. I began to ‘sabotage’ my relationships, to cause them to fail before my boyfriends could do the same and hurt me. Even when I found a man who might have committed, I found reasons for pushing him away. In my 20’s and 30’s, there had even been a few marriage proposals, but my perfectionistic tendencies caused me to decline them.
Some of my friends noticed this trend and spoke to me about it, but I just couldn’t see it. (In fact, I would do similar things to Loren). Or else, if I did go out with someone, there would be a secret knowledge deep inside me that he was the sort of person who would never commit, so the situation was safe. The real fear of commitment was mine.
As I became older, I found it unlikely that I would ever find a good match. A part of me still wanted to be loved, but another part was afraid of being left soon afterward. Meanwhile, through the loneliness of that struggle, alternatives appeared through the examples of my friends:
Some of them tried the personals or the voice mail approach. For me, both of those carried a stigma, but at least my friends were trying and it seemed to be making them happy. I also knew a couple who had met through the internet and they were happily married now. By contrast, I was part of the music ministry at a very large church—a very visible person—but my future hopeful could not seem to find me.
I really don’t remember how I thought of joining a meeting service online. Probably I was distracted by one of those ‘spot’ ads while reading another website. But in any case, I joined one of those services in November of ’98. A new dimension of my life was about to begin.
It wasn’t long before I met a gentleman from California whom I was fairly interested in. Things were looking hopeful, but then suddenly they tapered off again. If you know the way of the internet, it possibly meant that another person had become a stronger interest for him. When that happens, it’s really not accurate to say that you were ‘rejected.’ It may be truer to say that you were ‘out-preferred.’
For a while I exchanged emails with another man, from Colorado, but that was going nowhere. Then I met a man from Indiana, which is where I grew up. A friendship began, but tapered off as incompatibilities became evident and I began to lose interest in him.
Next I met a divorced man from Wisconsin who was very smooth with his words. It took me a while to realize it, but this was the sort of guy your mother warns you about. He turned out to be a playboy. I got my clue when I received an email greeting card, which he had copied to several other women as well. I guess he hadn’t realized that we’d all see the distribution list.
I went on meeting some other men for a while, which was interesting, but none of those relationships grew serious. I found another possible match from Kansas, but he was a very busy man and his responsibilities took him away. I had seen that one coming for a while.
By now I was getting discouraged, so I was thinking of giving up. But before signing off for good I decided to do one last search, using criteria I had never tried before: I asked the computer to search by proximity, to show me all the members who lived within a 300-mile radius of me.
As the search engine whirred through their database, it posted a listing to my screen. There was one profile from here in Tulsa, others from a handful of towns nearby, and another from the Dallas area. That one had a high matching percentile, so I looked a little closer. The name was Loren 755.
“Loren,” I mused. I liked the name because it was old-fashioned. In some way, it reminded me of my distant upbringing with my Grandmother. So I clicked on the profile and saw his photo. “Oh, that’s a nice face,” I thought. “I like his smile!”
People, submit those photos—they’re always the first item of interest!
As I read Loren’s profile, I saw that he wanted to become a writer one day. That was a familiar theme since I worked for a Christian publisher as a graphic artist. In an emotional, serendipitous way and without expectations, I decided to write him a note of encouragement. But as it turned out, the way he handled that letter would catch my attention.
Loren:
After returning home on February 20, 1999, I signed onto the meeting service to check my email. A letter from a new person, Nancy 118, had arrived. As my custom had been, I checked her profile before reading her letter, in order to gain a background on the person who was writing to me. As I ‘clicked’ on the link, I watched to see where she was from. (This information always posted first, while the rest of the profile was still loading.)
“Tulsa!” I thought, as the name of the city appeared. Outside of the DFW metroplex, Tulsa had become my best option. It was close enough to visit on weekends and, if things worked out, it was a city I could move to.
As the profile finished loading, her photograph descended into place like a drawn curtain. Naturally that caught my attention. “Wow, she’s nice looking.” I thought. “That’s great!” But I had learned to hold that sort of interest in reserve until the details could be read. I was familiar with the format so I skipped to my non-negotiable issues:
“Fully dedicated Christian . . . never been married . . . does not smoke . . .” so far, so good. “Now let’s see what her essays have to say.”
As I read Nancy’s profile, I was impressed at how well it matched my own. As I continued reading, the impression turned to wonder. Our lives were like interlocking pieces of a puzzle. When she described her interests, they were similar to mine; when she described what she was looking for in a man, it matched my description; and when I’d described what I was looking for, it agreed with hers. It seemed like an earthly glimpse of something heavenly, of which the Lord might approve. Only two points had troubled me:
First, I detected a faint influence from psychology in her profile. That could mean a problem later on. And second, she had clicked on the same age group as me, and I had really wanted someone younger. Those were two things to keep in mind, but now it was time to read her letter. It was quite short.
After a passing comment about her being a year older than me, Nancy offered some encouragement about my writing. It was a simple letter, a single paragraph, without the opportunity for a dialogue. So if things were to go any further it would be up to me.
I wrote a brief letter in reply, thanking her for her email. I also mentioned that I thought her profile was impressive, so she needn’t worry about the age difference of one year. By then it was getting late, so I told her I would be in touch again tomorrow.
In my letter the next day, which was much longer, I explored the possibility of some mutual acquaintances in Tulsa (my company’s biggest customer was headquartered there) and I told her about the work I do. For Americans, that information defines a person to such a degree that if they don’t mention it, they’re probably hiding something. Then I told her about a book I was writing (not this one). Fortunately she was used to Christian authors, so she allowed it.
But especially, I asked some polite questions that would invite a dialogue. Her profile mentioned that she was involved in a church music ministry, so I wanted to hear more about that and perhaps about her ministry vision? She also mentioned that she had grown up Catholic but had converted at a later time. That was a bold step which spoke of resolve, so I asked if she would mind sharing some of the details?
I ended by saying, “Nancy, you seem like a very nice woman and I would really like to hear from you again soon. I hope you’ll have a wonderful week and may you be blessed by the Lord!
( u ) -Loren
Nancy:
When I received Loren’s first letter, I was intrigued. What woman is not curious when someone shows an interest in her? But it meant even more when I received his second letter. He’d promised to write again and he did! From that day forward, Loren always kept his promises and followed through with his word.
As our correspondence continued, he showed a great deal of interest in my life and asked all the right questions. “I hope you’ll tell me all about yourself,” he’d said. That was awesome. He genuinely wanted to know about me, and he gave me permission to talk about myself!
In subsequent letters, he asked me to elaborate on some things that I’d mentioned earlier, or he offered some comments of his own. He also showed a lot of interest in my graphic design work and said he would go to a Christian bookstore to see some of the book covers I’d designed.
Another thing I appreciated was that he always talked about the Lord. Loren was teaching a Sunday school class at the time, so he shared some of the insights from his lessons. That demonstrated a long-term stability that was important to me. But in particular, there was a theme he kept returning to:
Loren always spoke about Christ and the church, and how God works in bringing people together. And he would say that sort of thing fearlessly; yet there was such a sense of sincerity and unpretentiousness that it captured my attention. Also, he would tell me very openly that he liked me and that he wanted to keep talking with me.
But there was another side of him that I liked. Sometimes he was flirtatious in an innocent way, and I loved that. Or else he could be funny or cute. His words were always gracious and kind. But I really wanted to hear more of that love note stuff—that’s what kept me coming back! I thrived on encouragement and emotional highs.
Looking back, it was probably better that he waited before flirting with me more freely. From his end, he needed the encouragement; but from my end, it would have created a paradox. Sure, I would have liked it at first, but then I would have started putting up walls over it. The ‘sabotage’ process would have begun much sooner. So it was a good thing that he always prayed while writing his letters. For me, it made things turn out perfectly.
As it happened, I was already planning a trip to Austria in just two more weeks, so I printed all of Loren’s emails to bring with me. I wanted to read them to my best friend. “I can’t wait to show these to her!” I thought.
In my last email to Loren before leaving, I left an invitation for after my return:
“If you desire, and if you’re still interested in a couple of weeks, we’ll take up the conversation from there. I would like to.”
Nancy
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