Chapter 21: After the First Meeting

    After your first date is over and you’ve said your good-byes, it’s time to return to your own city. I’m speaking, of course, to the guys. If you’ve come from a distance place, you’ll have lot of travel time for thinking. In the future, if you make repeat visits, you’ll want to find ways for redeeming this time wisely (audiobooks are a great convenience). But after your initial meeting you must evaluate the relationship and frame your initial thoughts about it. Here’s where your pre-hindsight turns to hindsight.

    Were you happy with her? Did she seem to be happy with you? Are you interested in seeing her again, and were there hints that the interest was mutual? (He wonders, as he munches on a cookie).

    Were there problems? If there were problems, do you think you can work them out, based on what you already know of each other? Here’s a hint to help you decide: During your date or through your correspondence, you probably discussed some areas in which you’ve already changed. Those episodes contain the clues you’ll need. They demonstrate how flexible and adaptable your friend could be again in the future, if need be. Or perhaps there are ways in which you must be the one to change? What’s at stake in making that adjustment, and are you willing to undertake that sacrifice for her?

    After arriving home, if the relationship seems hopeful, you’ll be expected to contact her promptly. Even if you arrive late at night, you should at least send a quick email to let her know you’re safe, and to promise that you’ll be in touch again tomorrow. Guys, you must understand this very clearly: time is not on your side! Any delays in this hour could be deadly to your budding relationship:

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.”

(Proverbs 13:12)

    Making her wait to hear your thoughts can bring emotional torment because of the fear of rejection we all naturally face. So if you really do care for her, you’ll share your heart and relieve her apprehension promptly: “perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment” (First John 4:18).

    After all, doesn’t Jesus have a perfect love for you, which causes Him to settle this question at once? (John 6:37). So answer her quickly, that both of your hopes may be turned into a tree of life; but if you dawdle and delay with silence, you’ll only have yourself to blame when a promising relationship decays and slips away from you.

    Hopefully, if you’ve come this far, the relationship is still looking good – or maybe not. You may be hopeful, unhopeful, or uncertain of your feelings in the aftermath of that first meeting, and of course the same may be true of your friend. If you’ll run the matrix of possibilities, you’ll see that nine possible combinations may result, so let’s discuss them individually. And with respect to the ladies, the initiative belongs to the men, so we’ll discuss this from their point of view, that you may consider your response:

    Guys, what if you’re unsure of your thoughts? How should you respond to her? You’ll probably have to take the relationship slowly, but without leaving her feelings to hang in doubt.

    Talk to her again as soon as possible. Be cheerful, and try to arrange another meeting in the near future. Tell her that you’re still making adjustments. If you tell her this, you’ll probably find that she needs some extra time as well—or at least, that she’ll make the most of the time you’re affording her. If it turns out that she was hopeful for your relationship, she’ll surely be tactful enough to give you the time you need and not rush things. Most women have learned to let the men do the pursuing.

    Then again, she may have already decided that she’s no longer interested in the relationship. To explain this, she may tell you that you’re a ‘sweet guy’, or that she loves you as a ‘brother’, or something like that. That pretty much settles your indecision, too. But at least you would know where you stand, so you could try again with someone else.

    But in the meantime, please don’t burn that bridge behind you. Remember that she’s sorting through the turbulence of ‘shifting perceptions’ as well as adjusting to the pace, so after her feelings have started to settle, her rejection may not seem so final after all.

    On the other hand, what should you do if you’re sure you don’t want the relationship to continue? You should still call her or send a nice email to thank her for the time you’ve shared, to honestly express your decision, and to wish her well in the future.

    But guys, if you do this, please think of her feelings even now. There’s no need to send a ‘fault’ list to specifically spell out your reasons. No one likes having it logically explained to them why they’ve been rejected. (What are they supposed to do? Agree with you and reject themselves?) Therefore, an explanation in much broader terms, such as ‘our personalities seem too different,’ is the way to proceed if that’s what you decide you must do.

    And actually, I do recommend communicating this through an email if that’s the course you must take. Think about it. A letter of any kind is a one-way communication that sticks to its original purpose with carefully chosen words. It keeps right on saying whatever it has to say, no matter how many gasps or interruptions the reader may wish to offer.

    Compare this to a phone call, which may soon break down into tears or even shouting. Your original intention could become derailed and you may end up compro­mising to the betrayal of your own conscience. But for both your sakes, your heart needs to speak the truth in this hour.

    Also, receiving a kind letter through the internet, in the privacy of her home, allows your lady friend to handle the situation in a personal way.

    Of course, there’s also the chance that you’ll accept her, but she’ll be the one who reject you. Ladies, if you decide that you must reject him, please bear in mind the considerate time and attention you’ve already received from him, and try to be kind in your reply. Be honest and sensitive, thank him for the time you’ve shared, and sincerely offer him your best wishes for the future.

    Internet relationships can grow quite strong very quickly, so stepping away from someone you’ve met may not be easy. It can even be heartbreaking. But as strange as it may seem, a silver lining appears which could quickly put your life back in perspective:

    A month or two ago, you’d probably never even heard of this person who’s at the center of your grief today. Life can certainly go on without them if it comes to that. You need simply turn back the calendar a couple of months to the chapter of your life that preceded this; and when you do, you’ll remember that there were many other choices online in those days, so there are plenty more where this one came from. The cure for a lost love is a new love, found; and now you’ll be a little wiser for the next time.

    In fact, if this happens to you, I suggest that you make yourself try again, no matter how heartsick you may feel from your loss. It’s like falling off the horse and getting back on again: it may be hard, but a difficult transition is much better than a final stagnation, so you should take the longer view. Allow a renewed participation to mend you loneliness; just don’t be in a hurry to get serious again, until you’re truly ready.

    Besides, with reference to the Chapter 6, this response will turn you into a ‘pearl’ rather than a water droplet. If there’s any hope for your previous relationship to be restored, this could be the chance for it.

    Finally, there’s a possibility that we’ve saved for last because it’s the most intriguing. Guys, what should you do if you know that you like this girl, but you’re still unsure of her feelings toward you? You lack assurances, as they say. She doesn’t seem to be encouraging you or rejecting you, either one.

    If she seems unsure of her own feelings, then obviously you can’t be sure of them either. So unless you can think of some tie-breaking hints that she’s given, you’ll only have your own feelings to go by. Bear in mind that she may still be dealing with ‘shifting perceptions’ and so now, more than ever, she may need a tie-breaking word from you. And don’t forget that time is running against you, so you must act soon.

    If this describes your situation, then you’ll have to take a risk (Proverbs 27:5). It would be better for you to take that chance now, tell her of your feelings and possibly win her over, than to suffer, squirm, and lose the opportunity forever. If you don’t take this risk, you’ll always wonder what might have been. And even if she does decide to reject you, at least you’ll know where you stand and you’ll have some closure.

    Men, this is the hour when you must show her your heart. Sure, you have the fear of rejection like everyone else. But that very vulnerability allows you to offer a deeply moving and personal gift, if only she’ll stop to appreciate it: a precious glimpse of Jesus Himself, in His love for the church:

“Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows. . .” 

(Isaiah 53:4)

    When you show her your heart so openly in a situation of possible rejection, you risk the torment in your own heart; but you’ll be protecting her feelings from that very same thing, by shielding them with yours. Your ordeal offers her the safety and protection of your love. For her, there would offer the comfort of a sure acceptance, should she choose you, because you have done this for her.

    Ladies, for this same reason, you should realize what a man goes through in order to make his feelings known to you. So allow this Christ-like quality of sacrifice to touch the part of your spirit that is in tune with Him, and be sure to respond to this gentleman kindly and promptly with a truthful answer.

    This brings us to one other question. Guys, if you want the relationship to continue, should you tell her this over the phone, through email, when you meet her again in person, or what? Once again I recommend a prompt communication through a carefully worded email.

    At first, this advice may seem illogical because it’s less personal. But if you’ll consider the need of the hour, you’ll see that it’s for the best. A clear communi­cation is required to express your thoughts accurately, and it must finish what it started to say without being sidetracked from its purpose. It may need to continue speaking through a roller coaster of emotional response, and yet hold course.

    Your carefully worded email can help her know exactly what she’s respond­ing to. It can lay the groundwork for open talk, while giving her time and space enough to calm herself and run through some of the questions in her own mind, so that her response can be well thought-out, as well.

    Furthermore, words that are merely spoken can lose their impact in hindsight. As she replays them in her mind, she could become confused, miss the subtle hints, or simply forget some things. But words that are written down leave a paper trail, which she can read over and over until she’s thoroughly gleaned your message, your intentions, and even your hints between the lines. Furthermore, a letter can be read to her closest friends or confidants to obtain their opinions in a more objective way.

    And finally, if things do work out for you, this letter may become a treasured heirloom of your courtship days, perhaps for generations to come.

    Now let’s look a little further down the line. Ideally, in your first meeting, the man took the entire burden of care upon himself, just as Jesus would have done. This Christ-like care was extended as a ministry, to include provision, consideration, edification, leadership and protection. But a true relationship works both ways, so those terms will eventually need to be modified. Again, this is similar to our example with Christ and the church:

“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”

(James 4:8)

    In subsequent meetings, she’ll need to reciprocate with thankfulness, consideration, kindness, good faith, and a good will of her own, just as the church would respond to Christ. And this must be freely given, from the abundance of her heart, if the relationship is to prosper in both directions.

    Remember that a Christian relationship is a microcosm of Christ and the church. There will come a point, as your relationship grows, when your need for information will outpace anything that a book like this one can provide. Only one book is capable of guiding you still, through the example of the ideal matchmaker Himself and His relationship with His eternal bride. I earnestly hope that you’ve begun to read your Bibles in this light. Your walk with the Lord has always been a courtship, a relationship of love which teaches you to cherish your Christian partner as well. By keeping this entire theme in your heart, between the Lord, yourself, and your partner, you’ll become a ‘threefold cord which is not quickly broken’ (Ecclesiastes 4:12).

    Further lessons of courtship can be trying and difficult to learn. But as you press beyond your initial meetings, you’ll have one last source of easy lessons, provided at the expense of others who have gone before you: Older couples who sought the ideal of Christ and the church, as you’re doing now, may have some valuable insights to pass along to you. With that as a humble introduction, Nancy and I would like to offer our own story in the last section of this book, for the benefit of those who will follow.