Chapter 20: First Impressions
We’ve all heard the saying that ‘first impressions go a long way,’ but that’s really only half of the story. After it’s over, basic human nature compels us to review that meeting in hindsight, and in our minds pragmatic new impressions will emerge. Conclusions will be formed, and they will decide where your relationship goes from there.
Therefore, first impressions can be fleeting but hindsight brings the thoughts that endure. So it’s worth accepting that perspective in the first place and actually planning toward it. In other words, your meeting should be designed to stand the test of time.
‘Pre-hindsight,’ as we might call it, is something we’ve rarely considered, but the concept is not new. When someone says, “You’ll live to regret this,” or “You’ll thank me one day,” or “What will be the verdict of history?” they’re giving it an application. And in truth, it’s a very great key to understanding the mind of Christ:
Try skimming through Matthew’s gospel some time, and looking at the words in red. Jesus constantly summarized His teachings by projecting their outcome at the end of days, and He used that perspective to guide us now. Through this, He encouraged a ‘pre-hindsight’ approach; for when the conclusions of hindsight are complete, the true and heavenly relationship with God begins.
In a similar way, you should plan your first meeting with eventual hindsight in mind, and maintain a certain discipline toward it. In this way you’ll achieve the best results and set the most favorable pattern for an enduring relationship. So let’s return to the arrangements for your first meeting, and offer some guidance based on Christ and the church:
When the time comes for you to meet your new friend in person, the gentleman should take the initiative and express this as his opinion (Based on First John 4:19). If the lady agrees, you may start to make plans. But in preparing for this meeting, the man should adopt the attitude of Jesus Himself, when He first appeared:
“… just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many”
(Matthew 20:28)
Men, basically this means that you should take the care of this meeting on yourself, so your lady friend can simply enjoy the date. Try to relieve the pressure at her end and allow her the leisure of the evening. For example, don’t ask her to take a day off work for your meeting. Instead, do your best to work the meeting around her schedule. A Saturday most naturally suggests itself.
Don’t ask her to travel to your town or to meet you halfway. Definitely come to her town, or to a larger town nearby if she prefers. If you fly to her city, don’t ask her to make your hotel arrangements, or to pick you up at the airport. Make your own arrangements and rent a car, and drive yourself around, so you won’t become a burden to her in any way (there are further reasons why you should arrange all of this yourself, which we’ll come to in a while).
And men, whatever you do, don’t ask her to go ‘dutch’ or to share any of the expenses! Even if she graciously offers to do this, you must take the longer view, be a gentleman, and graciously decline her offer. You have asked for this date so it’s your responsibility. Politely insist. She has agreed to the date, so she must respect this.
When you meet, it would be wise to come bearing gifts. Something small with a sentimental touch would be my suggestion. A favorite CD would be great, if it’s the sort of music she would like, since that would impart grace to the hearer. Remember that in like manner Jesus came, bearing the gift of His grace; and through this and all the other things we’ve discussed (and so much more besides), He made Himself into the true gift for the church at their meeting (John 3:16).
But when it comes to choosing a small gift, my advice will also be very small, lest I rob you of something precious. Try to pick something that matches your two personalities, or at least her personality, that will be meaningful in a special way. Remember that in the long run, the story of your meeting may be told and retold to family and friends, and perhaps to future generations. So the gift you bring may become a sentimental touch to a memory that is one day cherished. It may even become symbolic.
And now a word about your meeting place. Gentlemen, you should always keep your lady’s perspective in mind and use your foresight to accommodate her. She’ll probably be nervous, and her friends will advise her to be cautious. For both of those reasons, they’ll insist that she meet you in a public place. (It’s nothing against you personally; it’s a loving concern for her safety.) So you may as well generously offer this very thing from the beginning.
Under the scenario I’ve suggested, your first meeting would take place in her city, so you might ask her to suggest a public place she likes, where she would feel at home. After all, it’s her turf and you’re the visitor, so she should know the best places. Remember that in a similar way, Jesus arranged His own first meetings in well know, public places:
“Jesus answered him, ‘I spoke openly to the world. I always taught in synagogues and in the temple, where the Jews always meet, and in secret I have said nothing’.”
(John 18:20)
But when you discuss your first meeting place, it’s okay to offer some input. For example, you probably don’t want to meet in a place that’s too noisy, where your whole night could be full of shouting: “Huh?” “What did you say?” or, “I can’t hear you!”
Use your pre-hindsight to evaluate the result. It would leave the impression of a communication gap, plus it would mean a louder voice, which could sound harsh. The places Jesus chose (mentioned above), were quiet places, where one could be attentive to a voice. Otherwise, the subtle effects could doom everything. And once again, Jesus would have considered this very thing:
“He will not quarrel nor cry out, nor will anyone hear His voice in the streets.”
(Matthew 12:19)
Or perhaps you’re sensitive to smoke, or to hot or cold weather, or maybe to certain food smells. Perhaps you’re an early-morning person and you start to get drowsy toward the late evening. Or possibly, certain types of places leave you in a dismal, reflective mood because of the atmosphere or for some other reason. Anything that could put an unnatural damper on your first meeting is something you should speak up about, or gently steer her away from. For her sake, don’t you want to put your best foot forward? Remember that if you’re ill at ease or unhappy during your meeting, she’s hardly likely to be otherwise, so try to use your pre-hindsight to anticipate the result. Your sense of comfort will certainly play a role in her overall impression of this meeting.
Finally, be sure to drive your own vehicle to the meeting, and let her bring hers. As a safety measure, you should each have your own transportation at all times on this date. Even if you shift your date to another location along the way, take your separate cars.
Now let’s talk about your introduction. Strange to say, an awkward question will probably present itself during this meeting, pertaining to your form of ‘touch.’ This is another result of ‘shifting perceptions,’ as we discussed in our previous chapter.
In some ways you already know each other so well, from the internet and the telephone, but in other ways you’re still complete strangers. So how should you greet each other? Should you shake hands, give each other a hug, or what? I was kissed on the cheek once, but usually there was just a handshake. And I think that’s probably best.
If that sounds disappointing after coming such a long way and spending so much time on the internet and through phone calls, think of it again through your pre-hindsight and you’ll see the point. It’s always better to have a conservative beginning because it’s more respectful and it lays a better foundation for things to come. And it gives you a start with room to grow. Anything bolder may seem too forward and you may regret it. (We’ll discuss this again at the end of the chapter.)
When planning your initial meeting, you should also avoid the mistake of planning a whole weekend together. What if you should find, within the first twenty minutes, that things aren’t working out after all? That’s going to be a mighty long weekend! And that’s another reason why the man should have his own transportation while in town. If things don’t work out, a dependence on her for transportation would only make things harder for both of you.
Instead, your first meeting should focus on a single evening together: just one date, at a meeting place of her choice, to minimize the pressure on her and to allow her to enjoy things. That way, if things don’t work out, it’s quickly over with. Pain minimized. But if things do work out, you’ve achieved a beginning with hopes for the future.
If you’ll think about this whole pattern, you’ll see that Jesus designed it Himself, in His courtship of the church. You’re walking very much in His steps! In the beginning, did He not introduce Himself through letters, written by the prophets, just as the two of you met through letters on the internet? And then meetings in person followed: “Then I said, ‘Behold, I come;” having previously said in the same passage, “in the scroll of the book it is written of me’” (Psalms 40:7).
At first, Jesus came next to visit us through singular, early appearances in the Old Testament, which offered us an initial glimpse of Him (Genesis 14:18; Joshua 5:13-15; Daniel 3:25; Hebrews 7:1-3). And we were certainly impressed with what we saw!
Finally, when the fullness of time had come, Jesus ‘moved’ into our world to pursue the relationship more closely and for an extended period, in preparation for something permanent. But you’re not that far along yet, so let’s return to your first date:
Guys, it may seem hard for you to do all of that traveling for a single evening together. Even so, that should be your plan. But another, unplanned possibility may occur if your initial meeting goes well.
Presumably you’ve come to visit on a Saturday and you’re scheduled to return the following day. That means the entire next day, a Sunday, is probably free as well, with only part of it consumed in travel. So if your date went well and the interest seemed mutual (and you’re fairly sure of it), then maybe you could offer something impromptu: “Would you like to have breakfast with me tomorrow morning, before I go?” or something similar.
But if you have any doubts over her interest, it would be better to give her some space and not rush things. If you think she needs time to think it over, by all means give her that time and even the benefit of a doubt. Use your sense of pre-hindsight, which I hope is stirring in your mind now, and the prudence of this advice will become obvious.
In itself, Sunday morning raises another impromptu possibility. How about attending church together before you leave? That way you could meet some of her friends. That’s certainly a possibility, but you should bear something else in mind about it. This would be an easy visit for you, because if things don’t work out you probably won’t be seeing those folks again this side of heaven. But it may not be that easy for her. She may be seeing the same people every Sunday between now and then, so your visit could introduce, let us say, a ‘group curiosity’ about her dating life, which is something she may have to live with!
Therefore my advice is that you not suggest attending church with her. It’s her church, so you should wait for an invitation—and that might come sooner than you think. In fact, if you do offer to meet her for breakfast the next morning (or something similar,) she’ll realize that she’s made a good impression and she may suggest attending church as a counteroffer, or as a further offer.
Bear in mind that if the relationship looks good to her, she may want you to meet her friends in church. She’s may have told them all about you anyway, and she may want their opinions of you after you’ve gone. That makes it necessary for them to meet you in person, and this may be her initial chance for it.
Furthermore, some of her friends may be watching your date as a test, to see how internet relationships work out. They may be terribly curious because they’re thinking of trying the same thing themselves. Either way, after you’ve left, they’re sure to discuss your meeting and evaluate in hindsight.
Guys, it’s understandable! But if this does happen, it means her interest in you is genuine. So if church on a Sunday morning is offered, it means that lunch after the service, with a few of her close friends, may be yet another possibility. So prepare yourself for a round of subtle but friendly questioning if this should occur.
Of course, all of these ‘impromptu’ possibilities have assumed that your travel plans are that flexible. That means yet another element of planning. If you fly to her city for your meeting, you’ll have to pick a definite departure time to work around, or buy an open-ended ticket which is more expensive. If you pick the former and you’ve built some extra time into your schedule, you must be prepared to spend that time alone if things didn’t work out. Of course, driving to her town is a much simpler arrangement if that’s possible.
In any case, for this first meeting, you should keep the entire travel arrangements, hotel accommodations and schedules to yourself, and not allow her to be privy to any of those details. A little pre-hindsight will show you why:
Let’s say that she knows you had some flexibility in your schedule, but you didn’t ask for an impromptu meeting the next morning. She may feel that she’s already been rejected, and that would end your meeting on a sour note. Whereas, that may not have been your opinion at all!
Ladies, believe it or not, sometimes the guys need a little time to think about these things, too! So graciously allow him this space, as you hope he would allow it for you; or consider that he still isn’t sure whether you are interested in him, and he’s intending to give you some space to think things out! Or maybe he really doesn’t have the time in his schedule. You can’t know for sure until you’ve talked to him again, so try not to jump to conclusions. Be patient and save yourself some worry.
But my real point is that a gentleman could protect her from this entire dilemma simply by keeping his travel plans to himself. This is wise for reasons of integrity and security as well. We’ll discuss that further in the section for safety tips, which is included near the back of this book.
Now let’s return to the beginning of this date, from the ladies’ point of view. Ladies, your gentleman friend is going to a lot of trouble for you, so is there anything you can do for him in return? Yes, based on the example of Christ and the church, a few little things may be appropriate. Try to be punctual for your meeting, or even a little bit early. Jesus told the church to watch for His coming and to be ready when He appeared. You might also do your best to dress nicely (based on Psalm 45:14 or Matthew 22:12). But especially, you should keep a pleasant attitude and appreciate him for all of his sincere efforts on your behalf (Psalms 118:26; Second Corinthians 9:15). After all, isn’t that what Jesus would have appreciated, more than anything else?
And what about offering him a small gift of your own? That could be touchy. If it happens to be his birthday or something unique, that’s one thing; but if so, such a gift should be given at the outset (Matthew 2:11). But in my opinion, the only other possibility would be something very small and possibly homemade, as the date draws to an end. Something like a bag of homemade cookies for the road home—and only if he gave you some sort of gift first.
This brings us to an important distinction. If gifts are to be given during your first meeting, his gift would naturally come at the beginning, as part of a gracious introduction; yours would be saved until later, when he’s ready to leave. Because of the timing, the meaning will not be the same. Here’s why:
Your first meeting will bring a whole new phase to the relationship, with its own questions of acceptance or rejection. Since his gift came before the date was underway, his evaluation could not yet have been formed. He’s just being polite. But if your gift comes afterward, it could signal that an evaluation has been formed from your end. It could imply that you’ve already accepted him in person and that you hope the relationship will go further.
So if that’s the case, ladies, and that’s what you mean to imply, then this may be a subtle way of expressing it. In fact, it could be just the encouragement he needs! This is a response to the interest he’s already shown you on this date, so it would give him something extra to think about on his trip home. But if that’s not the case and you feel that things haven’t worked out after all, then be prepared to let him go and to eat those cookies yourself.
Also, if you’re undecided about the relationship, or if you sense that he is undecided, it would be better to give it some space, keep the cookies and wait for him to call you when he returns home. Either of you, or both of you, may need a second or a third meeting to properly form an evaluation. There are no rules that say this must be decided at once.
And ladies, bear something else in mind. Even in the world of internet relationships, it’s better for women to avoid the appearance of pursuit and to tailor their actions toward response. A gift of cookies, or something similar, in response to his interest is one thing, but if this gift is given in an attempt to generate interest, that’s another, and most guys are likely to be turned off by it.
At the end of your date, when it’s time to part ways, you’ll be met again with the question of ‘touch’. Should you shake hands, give each other a hug, or what? This is where your pre-hindsight will play a very important role. If things didn’t seem to work out, there’s no sense in giving a false expectation by being too affectionate. What would your motive be? But if things did work out, here’s a little glimpse of the days that may follow. It’s something to anticipate and use in tempering your decision:
Perhaps in another week or two, you’ll be meeting again. And then, perhaps, you’ll start spending all of your weekends in town together. But this also means you’ll be spending your week days apart, and that much separation could become difficult for both of you. Let’s be very frank about this: If you allow yourselves too much affectionate too soon, it could put a lot of pressure on those times when you actually are together. It could concentrate a week’s worth of desire and passion into those all-too-brief weekend occasions. You’d probably run into sexual temptation much sooner and much more severely than if you’d allowed things to start at a lower level and a slower pace. So please don’t kid yourselves about this! And it may all go back to that very first meeting and the tone that was set at the time.
If you do start at too high a pace, and you find yourselves pushing the limits of propriety, you’ll be faced with a dilemma:
If you let your affections get the better of you, you could ruin the whole relationship and much more besides. God would not be pleased if you allowed this to happen, and one or both of you may feel defiled. And if that happened, you’d naturally start to feel bad about the relationship.
On the other hand, if you see this level of temptation coming and manage to moderate your behavior by cooling things down again, your partner may interpret this as ‘losing interest’ since you’re backing away from them now. It’s bound to hurt in some deeply personal way, and they may allow their own interest to start cooling in response.
A conservative start, on the other hand, demonstrates your respect for each other. It leaves plenty of room for your affections to grow under proper circumstances, while keeping things under control in the meantime. And if the relationship doesn’t work out, it allows you to back away more easily in the end.
If things go well during your first meeting, perhaps you may end with a simple hug before going home. You’ll have to decide that for yourselves. But, speaking to the guys again, don’t even think about trying to kiss her! Even if things went well and there seemed to be a great groundwork, or even if there’s a suggestion that she would permit this, it would still leave a sour impression in hindsight. One date is just too soon for kissing, unless you’re a true gentleman and chivalrously kiss her hand, or something equally harmless.
Of course, someone will object: “But Jacob kissed Rachael at their first meeting!” (Genesis 29:11). Yes, that is very true, but he also kissed her father (verse 13). So you decide it, mister. And come now, be consistent!
After that first meeting is over, a certain lull will develop, which naturally follows any period of great excitement. All of your plans for the date will be complete, so now you’ll have to decide what you think of each other. This process will begin very quickly—probably immediately—so we’ll discuss it in detail in our next chapter.
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