Chapter 2: The Question of Singleness or Marriage

 

    If you’re reading this book, you’ve probably decided that the single life is not for you, or at least that you don’t want to remain part of it forever. Most of us will become married one day. But of course, not all Christians will want that option:

    Some, like Paul and Barnabas, will choose to never marry, and their minds will be at peace with their decision. They have learned to regard their singleness as a gift (First Corinthians 9:5-6; 7:7). Indeed, Jesus himself will only be married at last, when we are joined with Him in glory at the end of days.

    But others, especially Christian women, will find themselves in a third category: that faltering realm of misery and doubt between the two opinions. Their thoughts of singleness or of marriage, either one, bring such misery that they simply cannot choose between them. If you think you may be a part of that group, or if you meet a potential partner from there, this chapter will help you come to terms with the question.

    Sadly, the problem has been aggravated by many of the ‘Christian’ teachings we’ve all heard over the years. While some of them are scripturally based, others have come from psychology, Victorian protocol, or even ‘old wives fables’ – all mas­querad­ing as the 'Christian' model. In a role that was foretold in scripture, have actually hinder our relationships rather than promoting them (First Timothy 4:1-3,7).

    Take, for example, a popular Christian book from 1984 which has gone into several reprints. It assumes a curious, silent premise: that if a Christian woman is interested in marriage, she may be saying, in effect, that the Lord is not enough for her; her desire for a husband may imply that she’s a poor Christian who is willing to deny something of the Lord in order to seek a man, and so her devotion to the Lord may be questionable. And who wants to wear a yoke like that?

    The solution was also implied persistently: that she should intentionally thwart any romantic notions that came her way. If a romantic potential survived, she should discourage it again. And again. And again! “The last thing I wanted was to hint in any way that I had thought twice about him … wouldn’t it make sense to ‘cool it’ … I put you on the altar … never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut … keep them at arm’s length …”

    If a romantic potential survived in spite of all of that, and the poor fellow remained ‘faithful,’ then it was evidently the Lord’s will after all—and in this way she could avoid being blamed for her ‘lack of devotion.’ And this was to be done even if she really wanted the relationship from the beginning!

    Dear ladies, if that sounds like the sort of advice you’ve been following then please hear a gentle word to the contrary and consider how it might actually affect you. Give it consideration from a man’s point of view, especially if his thoughts have been formed from the scriptures rather than such books:

    A Christian relationship between a man and woman reflects Christ and the church. And which of you, for a moment, would respond to the Lord with such aloofness and indifference? Would He consider you a good or a poor Christian for purposely ignoring Him, frustrating and thwarting Him, and making Him ‘swim against the tide’? What would He find in that situation to admire? (First Peter 5:5). Remember that God’s own way is more congenial: “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” (James 4:8).

    Therefore, rightly consider how you’d appear to a sincere Christian suitor. When met with such aloofness, he is very unlikely to consider you an ideal match; for he, too, would be influenced by the analogy of Christ and the church, even if this was taking place subconsciously. He would get a ‘gut feeling’ about it, one might say. The sort of reluctance he perceives would send warning signals and cause him to quickly lose interest instead (based on Hebrews 10:38).

    So if you’ve followed that book’s advice, what sort of romantic progress should you expect? The author herself remains elusive: “Time would show … Never mind, child. Trust Me … Don’t ask me how. He knows how. You’ll see … You have not yet understood …” In the book, even her personal example is the story of one romantic setback after another!

    Beyond the question of progress comes the much greater question of results. Once again, the author gives little encouragement: “Women expect too much of men … For all I know, not one of them got what she really wanted …”

    So if you find yourself lingering between the two opinions — to marry or remain single — you may find yourself drowning in a sea of other people’s advice. May I urge you, therefore, to set aside the Victorian protocol of feigned disinterest, the psychology, and the old wives’ fables – all of them added at later times to our detriment – and return to the true premise of marriage, as expressed by Jesus Himself:

    “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

(Matthew 19:4-6)

    Jesus returned this question to God’s original intention and so should we. In fact, let’s accept His premise and develop it further:

    Adam was created as a perfect man in a world without sin, and he walked in perfect fellowship with God. He had never been distracted by women, for they did not yet exist and his relationship with God was never lacking. Rather, it was God Himself who searched out the matter and found the situation wanting: “It is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper comparable to him.” (Genesis 2:18).

    Eve was created as a helper for the man, to be his counterpart, companion and mate. It was the essence and purpose of her very existence, as God Himself intended her to be, so He brought her to the man: “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” (Matthew 19:6).

    All of creation, to that point, had been declared ‘good’; but when God saw man’s solitude He said for the very first time that something was ‘not good.’ It was only when the woman was created for him and their fellowship began, that God described the whole creation as ‘very good’ In other words, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.” (Genesis 1:27-31; Proverbs 18:22; also see Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

    But there is something even deeper to see:

    When God looked into Adam’s solitude and thoughtfully declared that it was not good, what had He actually perceived in him? Was it not a reflection of His own heart and desires, which had been replicated and passed along to Adam? (Genesis 1:26). If he had not gotten this from God, where else could it have come from? For all of creation remained perfect until then. And that gives us still more to think about:

    Is it possible that God created mankind for Himself for the same basic reason that He created Eve for Adam? Paul calls this a ‘great mystery’ because it returns us to Christ and the Church; for here was the true and heavenly ideal that God intended from the beginning, which Adam and Eve were merely intended to emulate (Ephesians 5:31-32).

    So here is an important lesson for all Christian singles: Jesus understands your thoughts of solitude or of marriage. He understands them from deeply within Himself, and something identical in His heart consoles and guides you now. (Indeed, His thoughts are the originals and yours are but a reflection of His). So however tender or poignant your feelings may be, however vulnerable or frustrated you may feel, He knew it all for Himself from ages long ago, before you ever joined Him; and because this identification is true, His care for you is heartfelt and complete, far more than you could ever fathom (Hebrews 4:15).

    If Jesus is able to console you through these shared feelings, then you should be able to fully appreciate Him in return. If you’ll spend time with Him in reflection and prayer, you’ll learn thoughtful insights, and a special new bond may be formed between you. In trial after trial, in every lonely moment, your hearts will be knit more closely. And appreciating this bond may be your first real step in fulfilling the ‘profiles’ between Christ and the church.

    Therefore, if you desire to marry a Christian spouse, Jesus understands. He, too, longs for the day when the kingdom of God will come, when He’ll drink new wine with you at the wedding supper of the Lamb; and He, too, took an initiative to end His solitude, though it is not yet fulfilled—though His wedding draws nearer every day.

    Or perhaps you’re willing to linger in singleness with Him? A choice to remain single in this life is really a choice to marry Him alone at the dawn of a new era. While you remain on the earth, you could join Him in that sweet anticipation. This, too, is something He understands quite well, with a heartfelt longing which the two of you could share.

    So make your own choice freely, without feeling the need to please others. If you wish to seek marriage on earth, God Himself would wish you well and would not condemn you, for marriage is ‘the holy institution which He loves,’ and Jesus’ own first miracle was to bless a wedding (Malachi 2:11; John 2:1-11). Don’t become a servant to other people’s opinions (Matthew 20:25-26; First Corinthians 7:23). Let your own heart speak freely with the Lord and with your future partner when that day appears.

    Now let’s apply this to a possible adventure on the Internet:

    When you log onto a Christian meeting service, it is a ‘given’ that you’re there to meet someone. If the service is called ‘matchmaker’ or something similar, it is understood that you’re open to romantic possibilities if you should meet the right sort of person.

    This means you have some initial decisions to make. You must decide whether or not to accept this premise as a basis for your participation. You owe this to yourself and to the others who are there, who have already reached similar decisions for themselves. But this is only an initial decision and not a commitment; it doesn’t obligate you to go further unless you make further decisions.

    When you log onto a meeting service, it also means that you’re entering a fast, exciting new culture where Victorian protocol will simply have no place. Yes, men may still initiate and women respond, but the old attitude of feigned disinterest must go. A moment’s reflection makes the reason obvious:

    With thousands of Christians participating, the opportunities for meeting others in an open, honest way will be far more plentiful than the average person could previously have expected in a lifetime. Not only that, but many of those possibilities will be more encouraging and hopeful. So if you respond with disinterest, you’ll simply be passed over: quickly skipped in favor of someone who’s more congenial. That being so, please consider that the Biblical ethic of “A friend must show himself friendly” would suit you better (Proverbs 18:24).

    But please don’t logon hastily, either. There are other, initial understandings you should reach to bring a greater hope of success: beginning with the heavenly relationship itself, which is the pattern for us all.