Chapter 18: A New Start
Just think of the opportunity this forum presents for you: a break with the past; a fresh beginning and a clean new slate with a circle of friends who only think the best of you: an ideal which man, in his most heartfelt moments, has reflected upon with greatest desire. It may even explain why you’re a Christian today (Second Corinthians 5:17).
Thoughts of a new beginning can be encouraging, but only if your break with the past can be clean. If you must first explain something from that old life, the thought could be troubling. “One day I’ll meet the person I want to marry, and they’ll ask if I’ve kept myself pure for them. They’ll have the right to know, so I’ll have to tell them.”
In a world that has fallen into sin, many of us have cause for apprehension. How might a new romance be affected by prior indiscretions? What questions might your new acquaintance ask of you? How much of their acceptance will depend on your answers? And what would be the best way to handle that?
In this chapter, we’ll explore Christ and the Church with a modification, made necessary because of human weakness. Yet the adjustment itself is guided by Scripture (as we shall see,) so it will achieve a more Christ-like result in the end:
“that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.”
(Ephesians 5:27)
As I sat in the Singles group years ago, I listened to a guest speaker address our gathering. She was a psychologist who specialized in premarital counseling. During the question and answer period that followed, she was asked, “How much of ‘our past sexual indiscretions’ should we discuss with our spouse-to-be?” She said that she liked the phrase, and answered something like this:
“I advise you to make a full disclosure. Tell your future spouse the whole story; get it all off your chest and into the open. You need to know exactly what you’re dealing with. Talk it over frankly because you’ll both need to come to terms with it.”
A few of the throats in the room swallowed stiffly and many heads nodded reluctantly—but mine was not among them. Although I had retained my virtue and theoretically had less to fear, I could only frown. Frankly, I couldn’t think of more reckless advice to give.
As I’ve previously mentioned, I’ve become very disenchanted with psychology for many reasons. While it seems to have a theory for everything, very little reference of the Scriptures follows, to see if those theories are so. At the very least, we might examine the results at some point, to see if their advice was good. Here are some common results based on a couple I knew that actually did follow that advice.
Greg and Susan (pseudonyms), were a young Christian couple contemplating marriage. Their church would not perform the ceremony unless they went through premarital counseling, consisting of 12 lessons on video tape, followed by a live discussion with their pastor. During those lessons, they received the same advice I’ve mentioned.
Returning to Greg’s apartment that evening, they decided to discuss the subject frankly. Both of them were nervous because they each had romantic baggage. But they humbled themselves, prayed for God to give them strength, and poured out their hearts in a flood of tears.
Susan went first; and as Greg listened, he was astonished at the things he heard. She’d seemed like such a devoted Christian woman, that he never realized how different her life had once been. She’d been sexually active to a very large degree. He even knew one of the men she’d been involved with, and he was especially grieved to learn that she’d once had an abortion.
This was a humble moment, so Greg listened with deepest sympathy; partly because he pitied her tears and partly because he knew that his own turn was coming up next. He would have to be as generous as possible in forgiving her, if he wanted to be forgiven in return.
Now it was Greg’s turn, and he flushed with embarrassment. As he poured out his heart, Susan listened through shuddered tears. Greg went back a long way and made the worst out of everything, even when he’d meant well, in order to make his list sound as bad as hers. His heart felt the same sympathy that stirred through the heart of Adam when he realized that Eve had fallen, and he decided to join her there. He didn’t want her to feel so bad about herself. But then again, Greg had some real baggage which he also shared.
Susan had thought so highly of Greg that it disillusioned her to hear such things of him. But in a strange way, she was comforted to know that they could share in a fellowship of failures. It made them feel closer to know they could be vulnerable in life together. It felt so good to get that weight off their chest and to find acceptance and a peace with each other for life. And so they fully forgave each other on that night.
. . . or did they?
Here’s something every couple in a serious relationship should earnestly consider. Whatever the intentions of that moment may be, and however sincere your motives, the enemy will be lurking near and taking notes of his own. And he has something very different in mind than forgiveness.
Let’s return to the Garden of Eden, to what is quite literally the oldest trick in the book. To keep this trick descriptive I’ve called it ‘Retrospective Motive Shifting.’ But if the name doesn’t describe it well enough, let’s discuss the event itself:
In the beginning, God created man and put him in charge of the garden. But He also gave him a commandment:
“Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat; but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”(Genesis 2:16-17)
God wanted man to observe this commandment as a sign of faithfulness and trust between them. Adam kept God’s word, and life in the garden was good. He walked in fellowship with God every day. One might say that “He believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness” (Romans 4:3). But the serpent was lurking nearby and taking notes of his own.
“Has God truly said?” he hissed, as he eventually drew the woman into his plot. By clever speech he beguiled her—we all know the story (Second Corinthians 11:3). But what had he actually done? If we’ll examine his stratagem closely, we’ll find two major elements:
The chief element of his stratagem was temptation: that Eve should become like God. But before the temptation could work, he needed another trick to open that door:
That trick was ‘Retrospective Motive Shifting.’ To do this, he began with God’s actual words, but in hindsight he re-cast them into a different motive. According to his lie, God’s motive was petty rather than noble, and in this newly suggested context those words assumed an entirely different meaning.
As Eve recalled those true words in a false context, she became disoriented. She began to confuse the actual memory with the newly suggested scenario and to make mistakes under the distortion. The door for temptation was opened and she blundered through it. The rest is history—the honeymoon was over! There are several variations on this theme, and unfortunately the adversary is very good at using all of them—as Greg and Susan were about to discover for themselves.
After their wedding, problems crept into their marriage and the enemy was intent on making the most of them. When Susan felt pressured at home, she allowed herself to remember Greg’s embarrassing stories; but the context of humility, in which he had shared them, was no longer a part of her perception. She fit them into a new context that was shaped by their ongoing arguments. Finding disrespect for Greg came easily in such moments because it helped to justify herself. After all, he was capable of some petty conduct and should not be taken seriously. Once again, the devil’s ‘trick’ paved the way for temptation.
But for Greg it was even worse. When something seemed wrong with the intimacy of their marriage, he could not help wondering what was on her mind to explain it. Was she comparing him to John, to Bill, or maybe to . . . ? There had been so many.
As each new argument emerged, he also wondered about something else. “Is this why those other guys passed her up?” To explain these doubts, he couldn’t help but associate them with the information he knew—assisted, no doubt, by the enemy’s murmuring.
Their marriage began to disintegrate. Arguments increased, and all of that vulnerable history, once shared in humility, was tossed into each other’s face with contempt. Susan lost respect for Greg and told him so. Greg answered that, just as she had aborted that baby, now she was aborting their marriage! Hadn’t she ever learned?
Those old, vulnerable stories rose again in the midst of their anger and were used in ways that were emotionally cruel. As unbelievable as it may seem, this is actually common. I’ve even seen this happen with very strong Christians in very weak moments, though they’d never for a minute intended such a thing—ever, ever. And they’ve hated for the rest of their lives that they allowed it to occur, humiliating their beloved spouse in such a way. Yet how can that spilled milk be regathered?
It will probably come as no surprise that Greg and Susan’s marriage ended in divorce. They discovered that in sharing that sensitive information, they were actually putting a sword in the enemy’s hand. The serpent had twisted God’s own words in the Garden of Eden, so what chance had they stood against his wiles?
Therefore, let’s track that psychological advice to its source and ask a pertinent question. Why were they told to share that information in the first place? What benefit had the counselor told them to expect from it? It was based on a misunderstanding of James 5:16:
“Confess your faults to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.”
Greg and Susan were told that for ‘healing’ to occur, they must confess their sins to each other. But that poses a series of further questions. What if Greg confesses his sins to Susan, so that he was ‘healed’ of them—but then they decided not to get married after all? A year went by and he became engaged to Denise. Would he be ‘unhealed’ again, and need to confess them to her as well? Or would he be healed in relation to Susan, but not in relation to Denise? And therefore, must he confess those sins again, to every person on every occasion, in order to receive an eventual healing from us all? Or shouldn’t it really matter whether he was healed in relation to God?
“Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight—that You may be found just when You speak, and blameless when You judge.”
(Psalms 51:4)
When we sin, ultimately we have sinned against God alone, and He alone may forgive us. Yet we might also have trespassed against another person in the process. Let’s say, for example, that you and I were involved in an argument and exchanged angry words. But shortly afterward I realized, “You know, they were right. That whole argument was really my fault.” I would humbly return to confess my fault to you, that our relationship may be healed. “I’m very sorry. It was all my fault. Please forgive me.” In so doing, I might find that you’d been praying for me the whole time, so that your heart was open to this reconciliation. This is much closer to what James 5:16 envisions.
Therefore, when it comes to your past sexual indiscretions or those of your new friend, please consider the status quo earnestly and make some vital distinctions. The actual, needed forgiveness has already taken place between yourselves and God, through your individual confession and repentance to Him (First John 1:9). From God’s perspective, the issue is already settled. And now you’ve come together as a couple in spite of those indiscretions, whatever they may happened to be. So let’s think about this very carefully, too:
Isn’t it true that, for all of this time, your mutual ignorance in this area has protected your relationship and allowed it to prosper? Therefore it doesn’t need to be ‘healed’ unless you foolishly reopen those wounds yourself—as that premarital counselor would suggest you do. But why would you peel a scab to promote a healing? Or why break a relationship that works, in order to fix it differently? Their advice is inherently counterproductive because relationships are about the future, not the past (Philippians 3:13). This doesn’t mean the question is unimportant, but that it should be handled differently to obtain a better result.
So let’s look to God Himself for the important clue. To His own mind, the final purpose of forgiveness is to forget, that our lawless deeds may be remembered no more (Hebrews 8:12). He has such a wonderful mind that He’ll remember everything—unless He chooses to forget it, in which case He’ll never remember it again:
“I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins.”(Isaiah 43:25)
“For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more.”(Hebrews 8:12)
“None of the transgressions which he has committed shall be remembered against him; because of the righteousness which he has done, he shall live.”(Ezekiel 18:22)
In all of heaven, once your sins have been forgiven, there is neither record nor remembrance, for the blood of Christ has fully disposed of the matter:
“… having wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us, which was contrary to us. And He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.”(Colossians 2:14)
Yet we, as merely human, are less capable than God. It’s hard to forget something so intimate and important when it’s told in detail. Like Greg, even our humblest intentions may not be enough to sustain us through the doubts that will come.
Therefore I would like to suggest something very simple but profoundly sensible, which meets the final purpose of forgiveness better. My suggestion is that disclosures take place on the basis of minimal knowledge, with the actual details left to God alone. After all, if we’re convinced that our partner has confessed their sins to Him and sincerely repented, can’t we trust the Lord from there and leave it in His hands? For God not only forgives, He works to comfort and restore us, and also to restore those who love us (Isaiah 57:18). Yes, it takes a mature Christian to actually follow this advice; but if you’re not that far along yet, God will be working in your life to bring you there:
“Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one
thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and
reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the
goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Therefore, let us, as many as are mature, have this mind; and if in
anything you think otherwise, God will reveal even this to you.”
Forgiving each other with a gracious, purposeful blindness allows each partner to grant the other a clean new slate, including a much cleaner break with the past.
Dear reader, think of the emotional relief this could bring to a soul who has long ago repented. It would be a Christ-like gift to them, indeed! It would also create a happier future for you both, and build a stronger attachment between you (Second Corinthians 5:17; First John 1:9; Luke 7:47). Furthermore, it would deny the enemy groundwork for tormenting you in the future. This is the adaptation of which I spoke, which compensates for our human weakness.
But complete ignorance is too precarious for marriage itself. A basic information exchange is still needed, which brings us back to the minimal knowledge that I’ve suggested (Hosea 4:6).
Let’s be sensitive for sure, but there’s also a need for frankness. As we all know, a man who marries a woman will soon discover whether she’s a virgin or not, because there’s a physical indication to that effect. Therefore, she’d be better off telling him honestly before that day.
And because he has a way of knowing this, he should honestly tell her the same about himself. That’s only fair. And possibly, that’s all that may be necessary. So if things seem to be going well with someone you’ve met online, and your discussion becomes serious enough to reach this point, the only thing you’ll really need to know up front is whether or not they’re still a virgin—simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No.’
If their answer is ‘Yes,’ Hallelujah! For both Nancy and me, the answer was ‘Yes,’ and that made things so much easier!
But if their answer is ‘No,’—do you really want to hear the details? Would that make it easier for you to forgive and forget, that “their sins and their lawless deeds be remembered no more?”
In the event that one of you should answer ‘No’, you should still offer to tell your partner the whole story. For you, this is the only legitimate course (Proverbs 28:13). But in response, it would be better for the other partner to stick with minimal, related questions. It would be better for them, for their own peace of mind, to assume that this only happened once, many years ago in a moment of weakness, and that their partner never did such a thing again; and even if that’s not the case, to ask that they never tell them otherwise. It’s something that can’t be changed now, so why make it harder for both of you by knowing more?
And if one of you is willing to grant the other a clean new slate so freely, you should be worthy of the same in return. For the word of the Lord to their partner would be, “Freely you have received, freely give” (Matthew 10:8).
But someone will introduce a series of objections. “Won’t that attitude promote a sense of license? Won’t it become a kind of tacit consent? If they know they can get away with it in the end, wouldn’t they cast off restraint? What’s to keep them honest?”
Yes, someone may very well think that way, if they knew for sure that their future spouse would agree with my advice. But how can they know who that person will be, or how they might handle it? They might insist on a full account from them! And if that’s the case, they’ll certainly need to provide it (Proverbs 28:13).
So it’s still a useful thing if someone disagrees with me. But if you really do disagree, I’d like you to consider one more argument that may only appear to you in the long run. It’s not merely for your partner’s sake that a blind forgiveness is desirable, but for your own. For even God forgets our sins for His own sake, presumably for His own peace of mind:
'I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remember your sins."
(Isaiah 43:25)
In the days following our example with Greg and Susan, I’ve talked to ‘Greg’ on several occasions. He completely agrees that this advice would have been a better course for them; he now wishes they’d never discussed those things on that night—and not just for Susan’s sake, but for his own. And he would still like to be reconciled to her, if a way could ever be found for it.
Nevertheless, two related questions should still be asked. If your partner must answer ‘No,’ and confesses that they are no longer a virgin, then you will need to insure that the matter is really settled:
First you must ask, “Have you completely gotten over that relationship now?” Of course, this must begin with them confessing their sins to God with true repentance. But your question may include some human ramifications too, such as children who may have been born, or a scandal you may one day hear about from another person, or anything else that may affect your future together. It might also address a lingering romantic attachment which could draw your partner back into the past, or divide their loyalties at some future time.
If their answer is “Yes,” that they’ve fully gotten over that relationship and they’ve put it behind them now, then you really don’t need to hear any more of the details. If you’re trying to forgive as blindly as possible, it’s better to let it go at that.
But if their answer is ‘No,’ that they still have some form of attachment—then you’ll need to ask for more details and make some further decisions based on what you hear. And if a lingering romantic attachment still exists, you’ll definitely need to let them go (Matthew 12:25).
And now for our second question. If your partner is no longer a virgin, your second question must be, “Do you have a clean bill of health?” Again, it’s a matter of leaving that episode in the past or discovering whether it still has the power to affect you. Chiefly we’re talking about disease, sterility, or such issues.
In accordance with the theme of this chapter, each of those questions would be asked with a faithful motive. You are willing to leave those areas behind, but you’re making sure that your partner is able to do the same; because if those areas are still unresolved, they’re probably not ready to build a future with you. If you have any hint that those influences still linger, you may need to question them for further details, and possibly even let them go—at least, until those episodes have been resolved.
In closing this chapter, let’s address some other applications of the same principle, pertaining to other types of sin. Especially, I am referring to those habit-forming ‘sins that easily beset us’ (Hebrews 12:1). More specifically, I’m talking about drug abuse, alcoholism, smoking, gambling, or other habits that can be addictive. Here’s the advice I would give, beginning with you:
If there’s an area in which you’re still struggling with sin and it could affect your partner in the future, then you’ll need to discuss it with them in greater detail. That’s only fair since it may come to involve them one day. They’ll need to understand it as best they can, see the extent of it, and know exactly what they’d be getting into. And of course the same would apply in return, if they are the ones struggling with a besetting sin.
But on the other hand, if that sin has been left behind and you’re sure it’s no longer a problem, then why bring it up? Because a serious relationship is about the future, not the past, and the future is perfectly clean unless you bring unclean things with you. Even if you’d like to disclose an episode to testify how God has made you free of it—be cautious and remember that the enemy is lurking near and may try to bring it back one day in another context. So be very prudent about that sort of thing. Be wise and do not share such things lightly.
As Nancy would say, there’s much more to becoming acquainted with a person than knowing their history. Getting to know them means, primarily, to understand their heart, mind and motivation—what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, what makes them sing—and to form a living bond that is shared with them. And she’s exactly right in this.
In your correspondence, try to show something of the heart and mind that is behind your opinions. Humbly show the ‘real you’ that motivates your words and deeds. Be willing to express yourself and explain why things affect you the way they do, and be sure to ask the same of your new friend. Take their answers to heart to appreciate them in a personal way. That’s what it means to really know someone, and that’s the sort of relationship that two can share. And one day, if things work out, perhaps you’ll be sharing something more.
A bond of affection that is formed on these terms offers safety and security in your relationship, not least because you’ve so earnestly trusted the Lord on each other’s behalf. Instead of comparing transgressions, leading to sorrow, you’re allowing each other a new beginning full of comfort and hope:
“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there, and the Valley of Achor as a door of hope; she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt.
“And it shall be, in that day,” says the LORD, “That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer call Me ‘My Master,’ For I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals, and they shall be remembered by their name no more.
(Hosea 2:14-17)
Jesus Himself is your door of hope in this regard, for He Himself is your peace. He breaks down the walls of division and makes you one, as a new chapter of your lives unfolds in His care (John 10:9; Ephesians 2:14). And He Himself provides the best example:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her . . . that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish . . . and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”(Ephesians 5:25-33)
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