Chapter 17: Niceties, Protocol and Pace

 

   As your internet adventure begins, you’ll enter a community of Christians who are logging on from every city and state, and even from foreign countries. They’ve gathered to meet and chat, and they’ve developed an online culture of their own. Each of them has joined in order to socialize, so they’re easily approached – and they share an understanding that if things worked out, they’d be open to something more.

    Things can progress rapidly in this culture, so you should probably read the next two chapters quickly. They’ll explain some of the phenomenon of this forum in chronological order, as nearly as I can arrange them. If you read too slowly, you might run into those events unprepared, which could cost you an advantage. (Yes, things really can go that quickly!) So, are you ready? Let’s begin!

    Once your questionnaire is complete, it will generate a profile to describe you, and your membership account will be officially opened. This gives you access to the profiles of the other members. Depending on the service you’ve chosen, there may be hundreds, thousands, or even tens of thousands of profiles to choose from. But how does your search begin?

    Remember, you can ask their computer to suggest matches or you can search by your own criteria. In response to either request, a list will appear with the member’s screen names and a few basic things about them, such as the city in which they live, their age group and perhaps a thumbnail photo. From there you would simply click on the members that interest you and it will take you to their full profile, which contains further links for email contact.

    If you decide to ‘search’ by your own criteria, you’ll quickly discover just how unique people can be. For example, if you focus on your ten most desired qualities and request a search, you’ll probably come up with no matches at all! The odds of finding a person with all ten of those qualities are more than a million to one! And even if you should find them, would you be the sort of person they were looking for?

    There’s much more to relationships than facts and figures, so you’ll have to be more realistic in your approach. Boil down your search parameters to the essential, nonnegotiable issues and allow their personalities to speak to you from there. That’s what the essays are for! And it won’t be long before you’ll find dozens of persons who interest you, with others arriving from time to time, probably daily. Your chances are still much better here than you would otherwise have found in a lifetime.

    Now it’s time for the introductions; and with respect to the ladies, let’s begin with some advice for the men:

    Men, once you’ve found the profile of a woman who interests you, and you’ve decided to write, you should introduce yourself by your first name only. The internet culture prefers some privacy until you get to know each other better. For similar reasons, you should only use the service’s internal email system (called a ‘double blind’ system) rather than your regular email addresses, or asking for phone numbers.

    Once you’ve gotten past the introduction, you should proceed to your reason for writing. Be sure to mention something from her profile that caught your attention and tell her why that subject appealed to you, so she’ll know you’re being sincere and not just sending her a ‘form’ letter. This will be your initial point in common and will offer a familiar subject for her to respond to. Here’s an example of what I mean:

    “Hi Kathy, my name is Thomas. I was interested in your remarks about traveling to Russia and your desire to return one day. I was in Moscow for a mission trip last August. We stayed at the Bohemian Hotel, which I recognized in the background of your second photograph . . .”

    If you have another point in common (especially if it was not mentioned in your profile) be sure to mention that in your letter, too. That way you can hedge your bet and give her something else to respond to, in case you misread her interest on the first subject. But if this is your first letter, do try to be brief: two subjects are usually plenty.

    Remember that she’ll be reading your profile as well as your letter, so she already has a wealth of new information to consider; and even if your profiles show many similarities, allow her to discover them for herself. This will give her a stake in getting things started, and isn’t establishing a dialogue your goal? So a two-way communication is desired.

    In your initial letter, be sure to ask her at least one question that invites a response; and with reference to Chapter 3, ask the sort of questions that invite her to elaborate and express herself. For example, instead of asking, “When were you in Russia, anyway?” you might ask, “Do you have a favorite story from your trip that you would share?” Open-ended questions like these give her a chance to think out loud and express herself. Give yourself a chance to meet the person who lives inside her.

    And now, what about the ladies introducing themselves to men? Are there special tips for you?

    It must be frustrating for women to search so many profiles, to see some great potential matches, and then to just sit around waiting and hoping he notices you—which of course, he may never do. But for you to pursue him would seem too forward. Things haven’t changed that much, not even on the internet! But happily for you, the internet culture has discovered a middle way. Go ahead and search all the profiles you like. If you do find a man who interests you, just send him a very short, one-way note that goes something like this:

    “Hi Thomas, my name is Kathy. I wanted to write and encourage you about your mission work in Russia. I have a great love for the Russian people and I’ve seen the Lord work among them with great results. God bless you for your care of them.”

    Let’s consider the dynamics of this example. Kathy has obviously read Thomas’ profile, and she’s briefly mentioned a point they have in common. She’s offered him encouragement but she has not invited a response of any kind. It’s simply been a message written, sent, and done with, with no further expectations. And there’s nothing wrong with doing that.

    But guess what? Thomas is still going to be curious, so he’ll probably at least read her profile. If he’s interested in what he finds, it may prompt him to pursue things further:

    “Hi Kathy, thanks for your kind note of encouragement. Yes, I think we share a love for the Russian people. I spent a month there last summer on a mission trip. In fact, I recognize the Bohemian Hotel in the background of your second photo, and that’s where our mission team was staying . . .” He may tell her more about his interest and invite a cordial response: “May I ask, how did you become interested in the Russians, or what brought you to Russia in the first place?”

    Finally, Thomas might end this letter with a secondary subject to invite a further line of response: “P.S. Another thing that intrigued me was your comment about ‘loving the moods of the sea.’ You seem to have a very poetic heart; how would you describe a storm at sea, for example? I would be curious to hear your impressions.”

    This would demonstrate to Kathy that when he saw her note, he was interested enough to read her profile as well, and even to pick up on some of the more subtle points about it. He’s being very friendly and open toward her. And, well, he’s pursuing her now, isn’t he? The entire endeavor has turned into his initiative, so she may respond to his interest. In the modern world of romance, some things have improved with experience!

    In our examples with Thomas and Kathy, a basic acceptance appeared. But let’s be realistic and understand that, most of the time, the invitation to correspond with another member will be declined. It simply takes time, a series of trials, and a process of sorting through the possibilities, to find a match that both of you consider hopeful from the beginning.

    Through the internet culture, rejection can be expressed in writing or through silence, and in various degrees of each. In a ‘best case’ rejection scenario, you may receive a polite ‘thank-you’ note that goes something like this:

    “Thanks for taking the time to write. As you continue your search, may the Lord bless you wonderfully.” A message like this would probably be short and would offer no opportunity for further dialogue. It might even contain a hint, as in the predicate of the second clause: ‘continue your search’.

    While many members consider this the polite thing to do, not everyone agrees. It can be like getting a pink slip at work that says, “Thanks for your participation in the company’s employment program.” But if that’s the sort of response you prefer giving, my only suggestions are that you do keep it brief and don’t offer any reasons or explanations for your decision. No one likes having it explained to them why they’re not good enough. They’ll seldom find it consoling or encouraging.

    Now let’s look at the bottom end of the rejection spectrum, and again we’ll find a written form of rejection. This is the harsh, nasty stuff that’s totally uncalled for, but it might happen, so let’s take a moment to discuss it anyway:

    When someone initiates correspondence with you, it’s because they’ve esteemed you in some way. It’s really a compliment to you, even if you don’t believe that a match with them is likely. So why would you return evil for good, and write a scathing letter of rejection in return? Even if there’s something in their profile or letter that gives you a strong reaction and you feel you must reject them, you should opt for a silent response instead. Like the old adage, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!”

    Besides, if you do write them a nasty letter, they may copy it to the Webmaster, report you, and have you suspended from the website entirely. And quite frankly, you’d deserve it! So be sure to treat others as you would like them to treat you if the situation was reversed. Let that understanding guide your internet adventure just as it would guide you in the other areas of your life (Matthew 7:12).

    Now let’s discuss the ‘silent’ responses—which are not so silent after all. They still have a small voice because of a ‘mail manager’ function which some of the more advanced meeting services offer. This function allows each member follow the status of their letters, to mark their progress and observe their fate after they’ve been sent. And this will provide some basic feedback.

    Specifically, if you send a letter, your mail manager will tell you whether or not the recipient has read it. It will also tell you whether they’ve deleted it or responded to it. Because of this, you’ll be able to tell how it was handled. You can already see how a spectrum of meaning could take shape from this information, but there’s a little more:

    At many of the meeting services, each profile will display the time lapse since that member has last logged on. The same information can be displayed through your mail manager, if one of your letters was sent to them. Add this ‘timing’ to the other elements we’ve discussed and it will allow you to gauge their silence pretty realistically.

    If you happen to be rejected along the way, bear in mind that the other person may already have a hopeful new relationship going, so it may be nothing personal at all. Try not to lose heart in the process. You’re in it for the long run and you’re gaining valuable experience which will help you do better next time. In fact, take a look at the book you’re holding in your hands right now. Where do you suppose it came from? ;-)

    And if someone at the meeting service rejects you, at least you’ll have a quick closure at a relatively low emotional cost:

    “Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed.”

(Proverbs 27:5)     

    But now let’s talk about acceptance, since that’s the real point of your adventure. If someone should write or respond, it means there’s a possibility for friendship and perhaps something more if things work out over time. But the rest remains an open question. So just concentrate on making friends with them for now, and allow other things to progress as the Lord opens the doors for you.

    In fact, this question of ‘pace’ brings us to a curious paradox. As you may know, internet relationships tend to grow very strong very quickly. You may be swept off your feet before you know it! So how can you keep your perspective in balance?

    Ideally, you should do this by connecting with several persons who seem like good possibilities, and making friends with all of them. This allows the intensity of your feelings to be disbursed and balance (like putting your eggs into several baskets.) Try to build a circle of online friends; and one day soon, a certain one may emerge from among them as the leading contender for your heart, and you for theirs.

    When this begins to happen, you’ll need to gracefully back away from the other friends in your circle, either by telling them so or by gradually allowing your correspondence with them to dwindle. Your other friends will realize what your dwindling interest means, because ultimately they’re seeking a good match of their own. They’ll understand and usually wish you well.

    In like manner, you should understand that they’ll have online friends in addition to you. So if their correspondence with you starts to dwindle, it probably means they’ve developed a stronger interest in someone else. So try to be gracious, as you would wish them to be gracious for you.

    The internet is a fast-paced forum, so you’ll need to be realistic and lively in your evaluations. If someone drops from your circle while you’re still looking for a match of your own, then you’ll honestly have to accept that and go on to search for new friends. And when this happens (because it will), you might want to start your search with the new arrivals. At any given time, at least one-third of the members are there for the two-week free trial membership, so there’s a very high turnover. New people come and go all the time, so new opportunities will never be long in coming.

    Finally, let’s look at the question of ‘pace’ through the lens of contrast. In the church, or on the job, or in the neighborhood, how long does it take to initiate contact with someone new? You’ll need some basic information first. What is their name? Are they already married? Divorced? Seeing someone? Do they have kids? Are they a fellow believer? It may take you weeks to get that far. But online, you’ll find all of that in about 60 seconds. You could begin talking with them just a few minutes later, and maybe proceed to several rounds of conversation before that very night is over.

    Furthermore, internet relationships can be pursued online every night if you wish to do so (in fact, it’s rather habit-forming!) By their nature, these relationships form an initial bond of much higher quality, though you’ll spend catch-up time later on, in other ways. Having said all that: with this better start and much quicker pace, you could find yourself involved in a very serious relationship in just two or three weeks! (Believe it!)

    In some ways, you can already see the reaction this might bring. “This can’t be right! It’s too fast!” As emotional thrills mingle with doubts, anxiety comes knocking at your door! The temptation is to drop everything and run. This is where the voice of experience is needed, so please calm yourself and listen to what I have to share:

    While it’s true that the situation must evolve, you must carefully avoid an overreaction. As the Scriptures have said, you must “Test all things and hold fast what is good” (First Thessalonians 5:21). But for now, you probably just need to step back from the pace, clear your head and make some critical distinctions in a calm, thoughtful way.

    For the ladies especially, here is what you should understand. The appre­hension you are feeling is based on the success of your relationship—like having too much of a good thing. The reason things have gone so quickly is because the truly important goals have already been achieved. Your situation is actually very good! The relationship has gained a secure foundation with a wealth of potential for further growth, and you’ve already begun to share some wonderful things with another person who cares for you. And if you’ll think about it, that’s the main thing these meeting services were meant to accomplish.

    So before you ruin your dreams in an act of panic, please compose yourself, think about it, and sort it out judiciously. The problems you’ve perceived are real too, but they do not pertain to this phase. They pertain to knowing each other longer, to steadiness, dependability, faithfulness, endurance, and other traits that must stand the test of time—and that’s the phase you’re heading to next. (And if it’s any consolation, that phase can be so time-consuming as to offset the time you’ve just gained. So be patient – it all works out in the end.)

    If you’ll simply take a break from the pace, instead of breaking off the relationship, you’ll be able to absorb what is happening and complete the emotional adjustment. Your male friend, if he is a gentleman, will under­stand this. Just tell him honestly what is happening and ask for his patience, and do touch base with him in friendly ways during this break. This may take you a few days or even a few weeks, depending on your personality, and then the relationship can proceed to a new phase, where those problems can be handled naturally.

    And guys: when this happens, understand that it is not necessarily rejection. It could be the prelude to your transition into the next phase, so you must be realistic in evaluating which of them it is. So do you wait for her, or look elsewhere? And Ladies, his conclusion may depend entirely on how you handle this. Here’s a real example:

    Things had gone well for a friend of mine for about three weeks, when his new girlfriend suddenly realized, “Things are going so fast!” She could have expressed her anxiety and explained that she needed a break. She could have assured him that she still cared, but her emotions needed to adjust and catch up to all this. But instead, she cut off their relationship entirely with a quick “Good luck!” that left him heartbroken.

    Over the next few weeks, her emotions did indeed catch up and she began having misgivings over her decision. Now that she was calm, she realized that she’d really had a good thing going and had overreacted. And now she was really starting to miss him. So she wrote him a very shy letter asking, ‘Can we talk?’

    Well, if you’ve done your math, you know what a difference those three weeks could mean online. He had viewed her response in the honest light by which she expressed it at the time: as total rejection. The cure for a lost love is a new love found, and in the meantime there were others in his circle of friends. This is the way of the online culture. If a person is rejected, the best thing they can do is to look again until they’ve found someone more hopeful.

    Shortly after she rejected him, he received an email from another woman, who happened to live within a few miles of him. One thing led to another and soon they had their own relationship going. By the time his old girlfriend wrote again, it was just too late for her.

    This is another hard truth that you should bear in mind. No one wants to drop a promising new relationship to return to an old one that has already failed once. They would have to deal faithlessly with an innocent person in order to deal generously with a faithless one.

    This drama went on for a while, with his old girlfriend calling or writing him emails, until she finally recognized that her chance had been lost. Shortly after Christmas that year, I received a phone call. My friend and his new girlfriend were engaged, and their wedding was slated for September. I was asked to be a groomsman.

    In this story, you’ll see another element of the internet culture. Because things can proceed quickly, you’ll need to be prepared when opportunity knocks. That’s why the first part of this book was devoted to preparing yourself in advance, and why the second part showed you just what to look for in a possible match. You may need to identify the potential quickly, make up your mind in a reasonable amount of time, or risk losing the opportunity forever. And does that pattern seem unfamiliar, after all?

    “Today, if you will hear His voice . . .”

(Hebrews 3:7)     

    “Be ready in season and out of season . . .”

(Second Timothy 4:2)     

    “‘In an acceptable time I have heard you, and in the day of salvation I have helped you.’ Behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.”

(Second Corinthians 6:2)     

    It’s not so far removed from the relationship between Christ and the church. Like that relationship, if someone hears His voice, they must not allow their hearts to be hardened; for if they draw away, they will lose favor in His eyes (Luke 9:62; Hebrews 10:37-38). Jesus would forgive such a person and restore them if they returned to Him, but a mere human can only be serious in one relationship at a time, so for us it’s different. Finding a new romance does exclude the old one. It’s the risk every person takes by overreacting rather than calmly thinking things through, sorting them out, communicating, and working toward a solution in a very fast-paced environment.

    Internet relationships start and progress quickly, but their pace will fall behind later. Chiefly, this is due to the geographical distance between you (unless you happen to live in the same city already). Therefore, if you are feeling rushed, consider the bigger picture: you are actually participating in an exchange over time. You’ve achieved faster results and a better foundation now, in exchange for slower progress in the next phase. The timing will eventually balance; and when it does, the test of time will still play its role.

    Meanwhile, remember that essay questions simulate the test of time. The future can be a reflection of the past, the continuation of present trends, or the realization of thoughtful goals. In this way they’ll show the steady influences, trends and other types of progress which form that member’s personality, and the same information could help you project what a future with them may be like. And that could bring more reassuring in the meantime.