Chapter 15: “System Support”
Congratulations, your time of preparation is complete and you’re ready to start your internet quest! But as your journey begins, you may need a little system support. No I’m not talking about your computer, I’m talking about yourself – as in the phrase, “That gave my system a jolt!” You’re logging onto some real adventure that could change your life forever, so it would be good to have the support of a friend:
“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.”
The advice of your friends can be helpful in many ways. In the beginning, they can act as your sounding board in preparing a profile (Which of those multiple-choice options best describes you? Should one of your essays be more or less emphatic? Should you include this photograph, or that one?) And once your search has begun, they can act as a stabilizer to help filter out too much infatuation at the early stages.
After you’ve made contact with an interesting person, they can place a friendly hand next to yours on the throttle to help steady the course. Since you know them, you’ll know their input will be sincere and more objective, so you could try some of your letters out on them before sending them (Should you mention a particular item now, save it for later, or wait until your new acquaintance brings it up first? Perhaps you could ask a judicious question to introduce a subject? Are you rushing things, or do you need to take an initiative to show that you’re serious?)
But a friend is especially helpful when you’re looking for complementary character traits (see Chapters 10 and 11). They already know you well, so they know the traits that will ‘click’ with you. In fact, in some ways they’re probably a good example of those traits. After all, there are reasons why your friendship works, and finding some of those same traits in a potential match might help you connect with them, as well.
And finally, let’s not forget that these benefits could work in both directions. You could serve your friend in all the same ways, if they pursue an internet adventure alongside of yours. In fact, if you have a small group of such friends, you might explore the meeting services together:
“Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.”
(Proverbs 11:14)
At a meeting service, a ‘multitude of counselors’ can play a very interesting role indeed. Women, in particular, will find the ‘group’ approach helpful because it offers a special advantage. This way, if a man writes to more than one of them, they can compare notes to test his sincerity. (Now guys, every woman thinks of this eventually, so we may as well be frank and discuss this from the start). In fact, let’s begin with how this will affect the guys:
Guys, because women may be doing this, you may be scrutinized far more closely than you realize. And that’s good! It shows some very sincere interest on their part! Your only ‘defense’ will be total honesty and complete sincerity, coupled with good Christian conduct throughout. (You might also bear in mind that the same process will thwart your competition, if they happen to be less scrupulous.)
But ladies, if you decide to compare notes, please be realistic about a limitation. If a man writes to more than one woman, you should expect him to express the same views on social issues and the like. In that regard, part of his letters may even be copied from his earlier letters. We discussed this in Chapter 14, and it’s nothing to be upset about. It’s the personalized items that should concern you. For example, when terms of affection start to be duplicated from one letter to another, it should alert you to something sinister:
“I think about you all day long . . . I find myself whispering your name . . . I had a dream about you last night . . .”
Yeah, right. Me and who else?
But now let’s be candid in another way. Consulting with your friends is good Biblical advice, and women will find it especially helpful. But men will probably not follow it so much. This natural tendency is derived from Jesus Himself, in His courtship of the church; for even though the church was buzzing with talk about Him, Jesus kept no man’s counsel in return (Matthew 9:31; John 2:24; Romans 11:34.) His only source of counsel was prayer (John 8:26).
When it comes to romance, a man may take one, maybe two of his friends into his confidence, but certainly not a multitude of counselors. Ultimately, his own romantic opinions are the ones that matter the most to him, and he’s aggressive enough to step out on them.
When I lived in Dallas as a single person, I had a friend who introduced me to the Christian meeting services and we discussed our correspondence to some degree. None of my other friends were close to this at all. I might have spoken in generalities, but never in specifics unless something especially concerned me, and vice-versa. But always, I prayed about my relationships diligently.
Meanwhile in Tulsa, Nancy had organized nearly all of her friends and colleagues behind her. Little did I know it, but I was being quietly scrutinized by nearly 100 people! Every time I came to town she wanted to have dinner with this or that friend, and it didn’t take long to figure out that I was being probed and subtly tested. The following day, when I returned to Dallas, they would give her their opinions of me.
Did I mind? Actually, it was to my advantage! A woman in her 40’s who has never been married is naturally facing uncertainty (see Chapter 7). Her friends encouraged her to pursue the relationship and not give it up. Only one person, a non-Christian, expressed a negative opinion about us, but even they changed their minds eventually. Nancy and I were such a good match that I had nothing to fear. I could only benefit from their support!
Later, the scrutiny of Nancy's friends would bless me in another way. As it turned out, I would be moving to Tulsa and her friends would one day become my friends, as well. Because we’d previously met and they’d encouraged our relationship, it gave them a stake in our success. Nowadays, they like to joke about their little conspiracy.
Also, Nancy’s ‘system support’ proved helpful in a much larger sense. She had many single friends who were hopeful over relationships of their own, but they, too, were apprehensive. Perhaps they could find a good match of their own through the internet? Seeing our success greatly encouraged them to try. This brings us to the final and most important element of a friend’s input, and that's the moral support they can lend.
When Nancy and I met, the idea of meeting someone online still carried somewhat of a social stigma, especially in a conservative culture like the church. But in the closing years of the twentieth century, things were rapidly changing. With the information age unrolling like a juggernaut, new potential had shown us better ways of doing things.
The secular world was far ahead of the church in exploring these relationships. By then, literally millions of Americans have been online with one or more of the meeting services. Some major cities had thousands, even tens of thousands, of profiles online. But Christian singles were still sitting quietly, paying attention to the phenomenon and wondering about the potential for themselves.
By the dawn of the twenty-first century, a whole new landscape had appeared. Almost everyone knew a couple who met through the internet, and the social graces were changing. Instead of, “Now who would do such a thing?” it became, “Gosh, there’s goes another one,” and even, “Do I dare?” Especially in the church, a revolution was brewing. An explosion was about to occur.
In 2001, about 39 percent of American couples meet through the internet. The stigma of internet relationships has disappeared almost entirely, and no one you meet online will have a vestige of it remaining. If you live in a modern city, you’ll find far more curiosity and interest than raised eyebrows. Most people just need to know a little more about it. Singles everywhere are looking for a better way.
In the meantime, if you live in a smaller or more conservative town, or if you would simply like some moral support, it’s great to bring along that friend.
In fact, in the future, we foresee an expanded role for them, if you are both online at the same meeting service. What if the next generation of questionnaires included a special essay question for them, asking them to describe your friendship and to discuss what they would like to see in a match for you? Basically, that would serve as your standing reference; just as Jesus had a special friend who prepared the way and rejoiced in playing that role:
“He who has the bride is the bridegroom; but the friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly because of the bridegroom's voice. Therefore this joy of mine is fulfilled.”
On a similar score: what if a special section of your profile identified your friends who have also joined that meeting service, whom you happen to know you in person? It would prove you’re the real deal, and not some playboy, scammer or practical joker who has shown up. This future feature might include a special sort of email capability for a ‘friendly chat’ in a support role, though fair guidelines would need to be established for that. It would be yet another way for the body of Christ to look out for each other and have the same care for one another.
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