Chapter 13: Single Moms

 

    In the days of our College group, years ago, we all looked forward to our Friday night gatherings. Songs and sermons would be shared, but especially, it was a time for fellowship at the end of the week. Everyone caught up with the news from their Christian friends; and if they still didn’t have plans for the weekend, they might find someone else’s adventure to join in.

    One evening a young lady came to visit our group. She was a new Christian, who had only been saved for a few months. She was a rather lovely woman, actually, and everyone seemed to like her–but she’d also brought her newborn daughter that night. She’d conceived while still an unbeliever, had become a Christian during her pregnancy, and now was in search of Christian friends.

    In truth, most of the guys in our group were attracted to her but none of them asked her out. The other girls were supportive but she was hoping for something more, with a nice guy. She was heartbroken. She had been such a popular girl before, but none of the guys took an interest in her now. She just didn’t know how to win in this situation.

    The young men of that group had dedicated themselves to College studies with ambitious plans for the future. Because they were young and robust, romantic thoughts were certainly not strange to them—but the responsibility in this case was overwhelming. If they took an interest in her now, it could mean quitting school, hunting for a job and supporting a wife and newborn child. It was simply beyond their maturity level to face it.

    After a while, the young woman left our group and began backsliding. This didn’t last very long because she was sincere in her conversion and she took heart again. She was soon back in church, trying to put herself through school and working for some extra money where she could. All of this, while raising her baby with the help of her family. It was terribly difficult to manage but she never stopped trying.

    Occasionally I would see her at a restaurant (she was the waitress,) in a store, or in some other place. Once or twice I visited another church and she was there. Finally we both attended the same church for an extended period and we struck up a new friendship. I also got to know her daughter, who was now in school. She had a boyfriend too, but he didn’t seem willing to commit and she thought they might be breaking up soon, which meant she might be available. Being a little older now myself, I started thinking about that.

    Years ago she’d made a mistake and for all of these years she’d been paying the price for it. God works all things together for our good, so in truth those difficult trials had produced an excellent character in her, and she’d become a better person because of them (Romans 8:28-29). She now had all the stuff that good character is made of, which only a person who has persevered through a difficult course can attain. But even so, it would take a special man to be a good match for her.

    The stigma of giving birth out of wedlock is like a lingering stain. It can only be fully erased if she is married, at last, to a man of exceptional integrity, whose views and opinions are widely admired. If it’s his decision to marry her, it becomes a statement to those with less noble minds that enough is enough—and the matter can finally be put to rest.

    In the case of my friend, the hardship she’d faithfully endured had made her worthy of such a man. “Had she first her wounds? Then there is honor.” As the saying goes; and in this case it was true.

    In fact, this is what eventually happened. She soon met another acquaintance of mine whom I respected very much. He was writing a modernized version of a great political classic and was a deep and meaningful thinker in many ways. They were married soon afterward, and I think I have rejoiced more over them than for any other couple I’ve known in recent years. They make a fine, upstanding pair and their daughter is a sparkling jewel.

    The story of my friend is a microcosm of an unwed mother’s plight. It contains both the problems and the solutions for our study in this chapter. There had been sin, and there was forgive­ness, but penalties lingered – and a new sense of responsibility would be learned because of it.

    In most cases, unwed mothers are beginning down a very hard road. There may be sleeplessness, poverty, hard work and long hours of diligence; they may face a stigma and an initial loss of popularity, perhaps even times of loneliness and isolation. Her eyes must look to the Lord through this, to learn of Him and stay beside Him. But through those trials, a vessel will be refined that is well fit for the Master’s use.

    All of this takes time, which will seem difficult, but that same expanse will prove to be part of her healing. As her child grows beyond infancy, that part of her burden will be lessened. She herself will mature, developing a character beyond her years. Meanwhile, her future spouse will also be learning, becoming wiser and nobler of heart, toward the day when they will finally meet and he claims her hand. He’ll be better established as well, to become a better provider for their family.

    “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

(Jeremiah 29:11)

    But even so, let’s talk about some special problems she may encounter along the way and some possible solutions. I’m afraid things will start out roughly before they get easier. Ladies, I assume that you want to hear the truth so you’ll know where you stand:

    The first thing we should discuss pertains to your personal dignity and responsibility, the elements which will start your road to recovery. It’s a lonely road at first and sometimes a wilderness experience. But there’s a certain sense in which you must bear these wounds faithfully to find honor and to attract a spouse who is also an honorable person.

    When an unwed mother enters that initial wilderness, she may become lonely and resentful, as happened in the case of my friend. She may be impatient rather than letting patience have its perfect work in her (James 1:3). But if she allows impatience to get the best of her it may turn to bitterness, which could only make her wilderness experience worse. When this happens, she may feel a desire to lash out and justify herself, being defensive in her plight.

    A common refrain goes something like this: “Well, at least I didn’t have an abortion! I had my child!” She seems to be saying that she has accepted the responsibility for the child, so why can’t a man?

    But ladies, ultimately you alone are responsible for your own sin and you can never shame another person into sharing that with you. And even if you did, what would you have? A foundation that is based on shame. That’s a part of the problem, and the solution needs to take you in the other direction.

    Furthermore, such an approach does not speak of responsibility at all. It speaks, instead, of blame shifting and avoiding the truth. It tells a man that you still haven’t accepted the personal implications for your conduct and that possibly you’re impenitent; a person who has not learned from their experience will never grow beyond it. So you’ll probably be circling Mount Sinai until you do learn this lesson:

    “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.”

(Proverbs 28:13)

    Try asking some of other women who have already been in this wilderness for a while. The best thing you can do is to filter through your bitterness and accept the personal implications for your life, and plot the rest of your course from there. And you’ll find a new sense of dignity in so doing.

    If you feel you must express any of this to a man, then humbly tell him you have confessed your sin to God and accepted the responsibility as faithfully as you know how. For yourself, there is at least some relief because you didn’t try to duck your responsibility and make things worse with an abortion. You know there’s hope because of that, and your hope is in God to faithfully support both you and your child, and redeem and care for you both.

    If you say something like this with sincerity, you’ll touch a young man’s heart; and if he does have romantic thoughts toward you, it will allow him to take hope in them. Your words can help him work through his own side of this issue, so maybe he’ll gather resolve to reach out to you earlier than you think. And if that happens, you may be coming out of the wilderness a lot sooner than expected.

    But there are further reasons why you’ll spend time in the wilderness. The one we’ve just discussed pertains to you, but the next pertains to your child, as seen through the eyes of a potential suitor. The truth is that most bachelors find it difficult to handle newborn babies unless they’ve had some younger siblings, nephews, or nieces of their own. Their only experiences may be that little boys play with plastic rifles, and little girls play with dolls. They’ll feel awkward at the prospect of changing diapers, feeding babies, etc. It really scares them! Not to mention the huge responsibility that a newborn child would mean. For you, it came as an unexpected responsibility suddenly thrust upon you, and you’ve adapted to the challenge out of necessity. But for him, it is entirely optional with no such imperative. It most certainly makes him hesitate; it naturally gives him pause.

    So if you have a newborn baby, it’s likely you’ll remain single until the child is at least a toddler. In the meantime, sadly, this leaves you in the wilderness. So my suggestion is that you take the longer view and make the most of this time. First, set your focus on the Lord Himself rather than men. Let Him be the husband and father that your little family needs. Open your heart to learn from Him in that role, just as my friend had done.

    And second, pertaining to men: I suggest you beat them to their problem by bringing it up first. Perhaps let them know that you’re okay with dating as long as you can get a baby sitter, but you probably shouldn’t consider a more serious relationship until the child is at least a toddler. The child just requires too much attention at this time.

    This declaration would roll a tremendous pressure off a young man’s heart, so that he might accept this longer view as well. And truthfully, if he is a young man, then both of you would need to make some real adjustments to prepare for that day. This much of a lead time would probably be a necessity anyway.

    My real suggestion, however, is that you do not look for a young man at all, but for a slightly older man with greater wisdom and integrity. In the long view, this is the way your situation will come to greatest peace with a lifelong integrity restored, both for you and your child. So now let’s talk about this older, wiser man and his nobler qualities, as opposed to the younger man’s inexperience.

    Ladies, I’m assuming once again that you really want to know the truth so you’ll know where you stand. This particular truth is a bitter one, because it explains the stigma that a young man feels in a relationship with an unwed mother. It’s an insight into the way he thinks; and unfortunately for you, there is little you can do about it except to understand that it’s taking place.

    When a young man considers marriage to an unwed mother, he feels an unspoken stigma from his peers, that is, the other young men. He will feel this reservation in his heart even if no one is actually expressing it to him. To put it in common terms, someone else had the fun but he has to pay the bills. This thought can be hard for a young man to bear. He may feel that others are laughing at him behind his back and they consider him a fool. If he can’t settle this at the outset, it may never go away for him. But a young man is simply too inexperienced in life to overcome it.

    It takes a slightly older, wiser man to know that he has already proven himself in life and that his own judgment can rise above such things. It takes such a man to look beyond the stigma and see a vulnerable young woman and her young child—real people who are precious and deserving of affection – a man who can appreciate that she repented long ago and has grown into a treasure through the experience.

    Only a man so sure of his masculine character will be able to look that stigma squarely in the eye and dismiss it by the integrity of his own human worth. Ladies, a man like that is not made overnight! We’re probably talking about someone at least in their 30’s, so you should really begin looking there.

    If you do happen to find a man of this caliber, you’ve found one of the best men in the entire world – so for goodness sake, don’t hold a few extra years against him! We all grow older, but not all of us grow wiser. But I’m sure that by that time and by your own experience in life, you’ll fully appreciate these words for yourself and my words of caution will hardly seem necessary.

    Now let’s advance beyond the wilderness years to the point of entering the promised land. Once again, a special word may be given. In the particular case of unwed mothers, there’s a need for long, thoughtful foresight in marriage preparation. Certain understandings between her and her future spouse must be reached pertaining to the child, in order to make the adjustment properly. The dynamics of the situation itself make this necessary.

    When a couple decides to marry under normal circumstances, a natural order follows. Their first commitment will be to the Lord, then to each other, and then to their children as they are born. In other words, their spouse will be a higher priority than their children. Consider how the Lord Himself would address this issue with His spouse, the church:

    “He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.”

(Matthew 10:37)

    Your marital partner must be a higher priority than your children because, as a Christian couple, you are united by a covenant. This makes your marriage the primary relationship of your life. Your children, however precious, must always be second to this. This allows everything else to find a proper perspective.

    But in the case of an unwed mother, this natural order has been disturbed. She has raised a baby on her own through much trial and hardship, so the child will naturally become her most important relationship. If she becomes married at a later time, her husband will be the one who seems secondary, rather than the child. So what will happen in the years to come if, for example, he decides to discipline the child? Would she stand between them and not allow it? Or in so many other ways, would she second-guess his decisions because she esteems the child more highly?

    It’s easy for an adult to live in a child’s world in this way, and to create a communications gap with her spouse who does not have a similar background. The truly primary relationship will suffer because of it.

    But amazingly, almost unbelievably, this may suddenly change into something worse. If the couple should have another child, then that will be the child who unites the wife with her husband and restores the natural order. And in such an event, the first child, as tragic as it may seem, may suddenly become the unwanted stepchild—even in the eyes of their very own mother, who had so jealously guarded them for all of those years.

    Obviously this would be fraught with unfairness, worry and misery. The relationship between the spouses, between the new father and child, and the question of future children, are subjects for much thought. So this is the advice I would give for a long-term understanding that you will need to share:

    Moms, while you’re still dating, you’ll have to work on the relationship with your suitor separately. Polite contact between him and the child is okay, but until you’re fairly serious—and sure of it—you should leave the child at home with a babysitter. Don’t bring them along on your dates! This will allow the primary relationship between the two adults to develop in its own right.

    If that advice sounds hard to maternal ears, you might appreciate it more by considering the alternative. Your child may be so adorable that you end up taking a back seat to them. The real bonding may form between your boyfriend and your child! I could give a perfect example from my own life, with an adorable little girl named Katy, whom I loved so much that I actually considered marrying her mommy just so I could be her daddy. But if you’ve ever seen the movie Jerry Maguire, you’ve probably got a clear enough picture.

    So please take the longer view and understand the priorities that are at work in this advice. It will benefit each of you and help set things right in the days to come. Now let’s look at the same thing from the man’s perspective:

    Every man wants to know that he’s loved and appreciated for himself as a possible husband, and not just as a prospective father for a child. Therefore the relationship between the two adults must have the opportunity to grow in its own right, and this calls for an initial separation from the child, while dating. When the relationship is serious but not yet at a committed stage, it’s time to introduce the child and include them in more of your activities. If the relationship is not to be, it must be discovered now, before it’s too late; and if it is to be, then this may be the last, crucial test to see if everything really works out.

    If the relationship does work out, then you, your child, and your future husband must reach another crucial understanding. Yes, it’s true that he’s not the child’s actual father. But in every way that really matters between three hearts, he’ll behave as though he was. In a heart-to-heart way, he’ll love you as his wife and the child as his own flesh and blood for all of your days. In the same way, you and your child must fully accept this man in that role, as husband and father, as though it had naturally been that way from the beginning. And in this you must be fully supportive, and allow your husband to take the lead away from you.

    The child will grow in the nurture of this adopted truth and find the security this love and acceptance brings. A father, after all, is much more than a sperm donor; he’s the one who takes the care of the child to heart, provides for them and guides them in their formative years. And the child becomes his legacy in the years to come.

    In later years, if other children are born, they should enjoy the very same love and acceptance. Therefore the understanding we’ve discussed must be truly reached, because it sets the pattern for other family members who are yet to be.

    Ladies, does a young, inexperienced man have the strength of character to do that for you? May I point you again to that slightly older man of integrity, whose heart is so noble? The man I’m talking about wouldn’t even need to hear such words from me, for he is wise and thoughtful of heart and has already reached such conclusions for himself, from long before he allowed your new relationship to begin.

    Some people might say that I’ve gotten away from our model of Christ and the church in this chapter. But in point of fact, this is the closest match of them all. An unwed mother clings to the Lord more closely, as the husband and father her little family needs. And the redemptive work He begins in her, if she will stay the course, may be crowned with a special appearance by the older man of integrity whom I’ve mentioned: a true Christ-like figure in her life who completes the redemptive role, as God Himself works through him for that very purpose. If Jesus were to personally appear in that role and claim your hand in marriage, wouldn’t you feel that your trials had ended? And He it shall be who appears through this man, though of course our man of integrity will be imperfect and human.

    Ladies, in saying this, I must tell you honestly that this person will probably not be a pastor, evangelist, or some other minister or person of the clergy. Because of their special calling in life and God’s own heart in that matter, those persons are more likely to marry a virgin or the widow of another clergyman (Ezekiel 44:22). But no doubt you’re beyond the stage of marrying titles by this time and you’re much more interested in the true integrity of a man.

    And now some applications for the Internet:

    When a single mother logs on, she’s usually between the wilderness and the promised land of her journey with the Lord. She needs to have a sense of where she’s been, where she’s at, and of what it would take to go further. And she needs to keep a man’s perspective in mind. If she puts too much emphasis on the child at the beginning, she’ll seem to be saying, “My child needs a father,” rather than the message a man really wants to hear, “I’m looking for a possible match for myself.”

    Generally speaking, she should admit to having the child but save the details for later. She should at least include a picture of them—and the more recent it is, the better, since it’s easier for men to relate to a child who’s a little older. The responsibility of a newborn child may scare your potential suitor away, whereas a toddler might charm him. There should also be a brief description of your child. If things work out, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to discuss them further.

    If you’re waiting for your child to grow to the best age before beginning your adventure, I would suggest waiting until they’re two or three. Basically, they should be old enough to be more personable yet young enough to be formative in their thoughts and better able to accept the changing situation as natural. This is the optimum time for your future husband as well. But you are the mother, so only you can decide, and you’ll need to keep everyone’s interest at heart as a part of your decision.

    If your child happens to be younger than that, I suggest you mention something to the effect that you’re in no rush and you’re only looking for friends right now. You might be open to something more serious later if things worked out, but your child needs to be your priority until they’re a little older. But if you do take this approach, I have to tell you honestly that this will probably bring a short-term relief in a long-term project. You’d probably meet a series of guys over a period of time before one of them seemed willing to stick it out for that long.

    Finally, there is a special search you can begin for yourself. One of the Internet ‘search’ categories usually pertains to age groups, so you can use it to search for that older man of integrity whom I’ve mentioned. If you do this and you find a man who interests you, just drop him a note to say “Hi,” and maybe mention something that you liked about his profile, just to encourage him. Wish him a good day and good luck, but don’t invite a response or mention anything about him writing back. Just wait and see if he’ll take it upon himself to do so.

    More than anyone else at the meeting service, you’re in it for the long run, so you might as well make that time work for you and use it to choose a partner carefully. Meanwhile, resolve in your heart not to be frustrated with delays. Let your relationship with the Lord prosper, and raise up your child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord: because all of these things will make you a better prospect for that man of integrity when he finds you on that special day.

P.S. Is a post-script allowed in a book? I guess it is in this one. Anyway; on the advice of my mother (yup,) here is one last bit of practical advice for the single moms. You should always do your best to keep yourself and your child clean. This will uphold your integrity and speak volumes to others, as in the old saying: ‘cleanliness is next to godliness’. And believe it or not, I found it in the scriptures:

    “Who may ascend into the hill of the LORD? Or who may stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart …”

(Psalm 24:2-3)