Chapter 12: Divorce and Remarriage - Part II

 

    Paul came to Corinth in 51 A.D., preaching the gospel of Christ. Many of the Corinthians heard his message and believed, including entire households (Acts 18:10; First Corinthians 16:15). Without a doubt, some married couples also believed and came to the Lord together. But on some less fortunate occasions, only one of them believed while their skeptical partner was left doubting. This meant that our new believer was married to the same old unbeliever.

    As sometimes happens, the conversion of a spouse produced a conflict within their marriage, and different couples handled it differently. Some worked it out congenially and stayed together. In this case there was hope, so Paul advised the Christian to cooperate with their unbelieving spouse and stick with them. For how did they know? Perhaps they could win their spouse to the Lord one day (First Corinthians 7:12-13,16).

    On another occasion, the unbeliever (in this case a husband), agreed to stay with his spouse if she agreed not to preach to him. Simon Peter, who also came to Corinth, advised the believing wife to remain with him in spite of this limitation. Perhaps she could win him to the Lord without a word, as he observed her chaste conduct accompanied by fear (First Peter 3:1-2).

    At still other times, it was the Christian who felt chaffed by the unequal yoke and wanted to divorce. But Paul commanded them not to do this for as long as their unbelieving spouse was willing to dwell with them (First Corinthians 7:12-13,16). For once again—how did they know? Maybe they could eventually save their husband or wife if they stayed together.

    So let’s take a moment to mark God’s intention in these three examples. The believer was to stay with their unbelieving spouse if possible, in order to win them to the Lord one day. For who knows how God might work in the life of their spouse with a good Christian example nearby? Situations like these were common throughout the Mediterranean world, wherever the gospel was proclaimed. And this forms the background for our next two scenarios.

Scenario 5: Losing a Spouse for the Sake of Christ

    In each of our opening examples, the believers were commanded not to depart from their unbelieving spouse, but the apostles had no influence over the unbeliever to charge them in a similar way. Therefore, if they became angry at their spouse’s conversion, they might have lashed out and divorced them or abandoned them. Paul addressed that situation, also:

    “But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.”

(First Corinthians 7:15)

    One might say that these brave new converts had lost their spouse for the sake of Christ. And that’s something that Jesus Himself addressed:

    “So Jesus answered and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel’s, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions—and in the age to come, eternal life.”

(Mark 10:29-30)

    This passage proclaims a ‘hundredfold return’ for those who follow Jesus through a sacrificial conversion. This is fulfilled through the body of Christ as the new believer becomes part of a larger Christian family. New mothers, brothers and sisters in the Lord are received in this way and they’ll find themselves welcome in a ‘hundredfold’ new homes and lands—those of their fellow believers, wherever their Christian family may be found.

    But two exceptions were on that list. In those two cases, their loss will be returned, instead, with a substitute of higher quality:

    The first exception pertains to a father; for we will not receive a hundredfold more fathers in this lifetime, but only One, who is our Father in heaven (Matthew 23:9).

    The second exception pertains to a spouse; for once again our answer is in the Lord. When an unbelieving spouse departs, the believer will have only one spouse: Jesus Himself, as they become part of the heavenly union between Christ and the church:

    “For I am jealous for you with godly jealousy. For I have betrothed you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ.”

(Second Corinthians 11:2)

    When an unbeliever departs because their spouse has received Jesus, the believer is no longer bound to them in marriage. In a sense, they’ve become a living martyr for their faith. But even so, we should carefully note that nothing in this passage suggest that they are free to remarry—unless they are reconciled to their spouse, or widowed through their spouse’s death and freed to remarry in that way.

    This perspective from the Scriptures may catch us by surprise. If it seems strange, it’s because we’re earthly and tend to think in earthly ways, while Jesus is heavenly minded (John 3:31; Isaiah 55:9). He thinks about these things in the long run and they make more sense that way. So let’s ponder this scenario by God’s own, higher way of thinking to understand more clearly, beginning with a little background:

    Jesus never married while on the earth. Instead He was espoused to the church, His beloved fiancé. With total devotion, He awaits the day when He may claim her hand, when the kingdom of God shall come. This is the heavenly wedding of which we shall all be part:

    “Therefore, my brethren, you also have become dead to the law through the body of Christ, that you may be married to another—to Him who was raised from the dead, that we should bear fruit to God.”

(Romans 7:4)

    To join Jesus in this cherished betrothal, and await His return with the same devotion, is something He desires for all of us. In the Scriptures, this is constantly portrayed as a better option than earthly marriage (First Corinthians 7:38).

    Therefore when someone has been married but they’ve lost their spouse for the kingdom of heaven’s sake, Jesus seems to be calling them back to this original desire. They’ve tried an earthly marriage and it has failed, so let them remain with Him now. Let them wait with Him faithfully, as He does with them, until they drink wine together at the wedding supper when the kingdom of God has come. Let them share in the sweetness of this betrothal with the One who will never leave them nor forsake them (Hebrews 13:4-6).

    Therefore, when a new believer loses their spouse for the Lord’s sake, they will be fully justified in their divorce. God cannot deny Himself, so He cannot fault you for choosing Him over your spouse, when it really does come down to that choice. He especially will not fault you since, for yourself, you were fully willing to keep your marital vows and dwell with your spouse.

    The unbelieving spouse, who departed, will bear the blame for the broken covenant, while the believer will be blameless before the Lord—just as one would justify a victim rather than blaming them. But once again, nothing in this passage justifies a secondary, separate act of remarriage for the new believer, for as long as their ex-spouse still lives.

    The person who loses their spouse in this way is to remain single, with only one exception: they may be reconciled to their spouse if they, too, should become a Christian at a later time and return to them. Otherwise, the believer is simply to let them go. If we consider the whole situation from the Lord’s perspective, this reasoning becomes clear:

    If the new believer was willing to dwell with their spouse from the beginning, and also to remain single after their departure, it makes them the sort of person the unbeliever might consider returning to one day. But if they do return, they’ll have to resolve the issue that caused the breakup in the first place: they’ll have to open their heart to the Lord: because their believing partner has already shown that, for themselves, will not deny Him.

    Remember that God “desires all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth” and the new believer has just tasted this wonderful mercy (First Timothy 2:4). In the same way God, who is “not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance,” would still like to save their ex-partner, which should be a very dear thought to any new convert (Second Peter 3:9). So perhaps in this way, the faithful spouse will eventually win their partner to the Lord after all, and see them saved, just as this was the Lord’s ultimate hope in the three cases we examined at the beginning of this chapter.

Scenario 6: Wanton Abandonment

    In modern times, First Corinthians 7:15 has been applied in a slightly different sense, to justify a divorce that takes place on the grounds of wanton abandonment. And there is certainly some justification to that usage:

    If your spouse has left you for no good reason, while you have remained faithful to the Lord and to them, there is really nothing you can do about it. For yourself, you are blameless and your spouse must bear the blame for breaking your marriage covenant. On your part, the divorce would be justified; but once again, this would not justify the further act of a remarriage, which is entirely a secondary and separate issue.

    Jesus said that if a person divorces their spouse for any cause except adultery, and marries another person, they will be guilty of adultery themselves. He made this one exception—not two or three exceptions, but only one (Matthew 19:9). Therefore, adultery would be the only grounds to justify both a divorce and a remarriage, for the person who remained faithful, if their spouse was sexually disloyal and departed from them.

    In the case of wanton abandonment, the only options the Lord has offered to the abandoned spouse are to remain single or be reconciled to their spouse. If they do marry another person while their spouse yet lives, they will be called an adulterer or an adulteress through their decision (Romans 7:3).

    This can be difficult for the earthly mind to understand, so once again we must look to the heavenly mind set. Jesus seems to be saying, “You’ve tried an earthly marriage and you’ve found sorrow. So wait here beside Me till I come, that we may be joined in a wedding of our own on that Day.”

    There is also hope that the ex-spouse may repent and return to them one day. Remember that the covenant of marriage is a covenant for a lifetime, and even if your ex-partner has wantonly broken their vows, it does not give you the license to do the same. But also remember that God will never leave you nor forsake you, and His grace will attend you in the interval, however long that may be.

Scenario 7: Physical Abuse

    In the same passage of Scripture, we may draw one further inference on a justification for divorce. It is in Paul’s summary of the previous situation: “But God has called us to peace” (First Corinthians 7:15).

    As discussed in our previous chapter, marriage is a covenant of death before dishonor; but in some very unfortunate instances, death has been pretty well spelled out as the intention. A husband may have been beating his wife, and perhaps the children as well, so they are in terrible danger because of him. If this pattern of abuse has really made such a design evident, I do believe it is enough for the Lord and that He would allow the wife to flee in order to save her life and the children’s: “For God has called us to peace.”

    The spouse who flees under these circumstances would be justified in their divorce; but once again, nothing in the passage would seem to justify a further act of remarriage. They are to remain single or be reconciled to their spouse, if that should ever become possible. Or if their former spouse should die, they would be free to remarry then.

    In the meantime, they should wait beside the Lord as His betrothed, until the day when they are joined with Him in a heavenly union that is blissful and full of peace. He is meek and gentle in heart, and will be the husband who bears their grief and sorrows, and gives them a peace that this world can never know.

Scenario 8: Divorced Before Becoming a Christian

    Next comes the rather touchy question of those who were divorced before they became Christians, but now they are believers and walking with the Lord.

    As we may see from our story of the unbelieving spouse (First Corinthians 7:12-15) becoming a Christian does not cancel the earthly covenant of a marriage. If a person was married before they believed, they will still be married afterward. Their earthly vows remain intact through their conversion. Therefore, the same basic logic will apply to them as to other Christians: if they were divorced because their spouse committed adultery against them (while they, themselves, remained faithful,) they will be free to remarry if they choose to do so. Otherwise they, too, will be guilty of adultery if they remarry.

    Here is the basic thing to understand in such a case. A person who has recently come to the Lord has found a new acceptance with Him, whatever their marital status happens to be. God has called them on terms that include that understanding. Therefore, Paul’s advice to them would be, “Let each one remain in the same calling in which he was called” (First Corinthians 7:20).

    Consequently, a divorced person who becomes a Christian should remain in their unmarried state. But if their ex-spouse should also become a believer, they may choose to be reconciled with them. For who knows but that the Lord might work such a purpose, to save their ex-spouse one day? “For perhaps he departed for a while for this purpose, that you might receive him forever” (see Philemon 1:15).

    By the same token we should also mention that people who were divorced and remarried while they were unbelievers, and then came to the Lord at a later time, should not feel troubled about their standing. Divorced and remarried was ‘the calling in which they were called,’ so God found a way of receiving them. Only, let them stay in their new marriage faithfully.

Scenario 9: God’s Grace as a Basis for Remarriage

    Another common argument for divorce and remarriage is that we are now under grace rather than the law, so we need not be legalistic about the particulars (Ephesians 3:2). So if a Christian has divorced their spouse for any reason and they wish to remarry, then the grace of God will cover it.

    While it’s true that we are in a dispensation of grace, this argument thoroughly mis­understands both the law and grace itself. In fact it is entirely backward, for it was the law that sanctioned divorce and the grace of Christ which later forbade it (Matthew 5:31-32.)

    Let’s go back to the heart of this matter, where we may understand it best. Moses allowed men to write a certificate of divorce and to put away their wives because their hearts were hard (Matthew 19:8-9). But Jesus contrasted this with God’s own heart in the matter:

    "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

(Matthew 19:4-9)

    According to Jesus, the law was lenient because of the hardness of our hearts. So God’s grace would not promote an even greater leniency, since that would allow our hearts to become harder still (see Hebrews 2:1-4). Grace, in fact, is a much higher standard than the law, because it teaches us to be pure in heart:

    “For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age . . . that He might redeem us from every lawless deed and purify for Himself His own special people, zealous for good works.”

(Titus 2:11-14)

    As a new creation, the hardness in our hearts – our heart of stone – has been removed (Ezekiel 11:19-20). Now we are pressing past the letter of the law to seek the original heart of God, by which the law was expressed. Thus, Jesus did not destroy the righteous requirements of the law, but fulfilled their true intention (Psalms 40:7-8; Isaiah 42:21; Matthew 5:17-19; Romans 3:31).

    So where does the modern argument about God’s grace come from? It stems from a mis-definition of the term itself (Second Peter 2:3). We have come to view ‘grace’ as a divine attitude toward us: basically, that God is lenient toward our sins and polite about it—and perhaps a little permissive. So if there’s an area in which we really want to sin, He’ll simply go ahead and let us. But a belief of that nature turns the grace of God into licentiousness (a license to sin) and misses His heart entirely:

    “For certain persons have crept in unnoticed . . . ungodly persons who turn the grace of our God into licentiousness and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ.”

(Jude 4, NAS)

    Certainly, grace includes an attitude of unmerited favor, but it’s much more than that. It’s an actual empowerment that enable us to seek God’s heart and to become servants of righteousness for His name (First Corinthians 15:10; Second Corinthians 9:8; 12:9; Titus 2:11-14; Psalm 23:3).

    “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us have grace, by which we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear.”

(Hebrews 12:28)

    In a marriage, God would strengthen a couple by His grace to help them keep their marital vows. He would not turn a blind eye toward them, nor give them a ‘license’ to break those vows (Malachi 2:14). And if a breakup has already occurred, His grace would be at work in seeking their reconciliation, not in opening other doors that would further distract them and frustrate those efforts.

Scenario 10: God’s Forgiveness as a Basis for Remarriage

    Finally we come to the much simpler question of God’s forgiveness and mercy. “But isn’t God merciful? Wouldn’t He forgive me if I divorced and remarried?”

    God is indeed very kind, and willing to show great mercy to a person who has been divorced. He truly wishes to restore their happiness and peace. Therefore, let them follow His loving example and extend the same great mercy and forgiveness to their ex-spouse, to seek reconciliation with them. And let them be faithful in pursuing this, just as God is faithful to them. And let them remember the vows which they’ve made before Him (Psalms 34:11-16).

    And if they will say they’re unwilling to do this, they’ll find their own forgiveness and mercy limited by an equal measure (Matthew 5:7; 6:14-15). For if they’re not willing to be reconciled to their own spouse, neither will God bless them in building a relationship with someone else. And in any case, asking for God’s mercy to pursue a relationship that He calls ‘adultery’ is a request for license, rather than mercy.

    Wise Solomon told us, “Only by pride cometh contention” (Proverbs 13:10 KJV). Whatever else may be present in the dynamics of a divorce, or a pending divorce, pride is always its handmaiden. Are you sure the marriage is beyond hope? Check yourself for pride and seek His grace over that, and see if a thaw might not begin after all. It is in everyone’s best interest for you to do so.

    To summarize our scenarios, we should recall that divorce is never a subject in itself. The actual subject is marriage and the sanctity of vows that were made. If solemn vows can be easily broken with an abundance of mercy, blessing and forgiveness (but never a consequence), it simply encourages more of the same (Ecclesiastes 8:11).

    John and Susan were divorced for a trivial matter. Both claimed the Lord’s forgiveness and both remarried soon afterward. Each of them claimed God’s blessing in their new marriage because “God had found them a new spouse” (Psalms 50:16-18, 21-23). The church itself, in following the hypocrisy of this world, joined with each of them in rejoicing (Proverbs 25:26).

    Tom and Carol, another Christian couple with marital problems, saw the outcome and threw up their hands in exasperation. “Why keep trying?” they concluded. “It’s so much easier to do as they’ve done!” Soon they, too, were divorced, and the cycle began again.

    This is where the bills are paid for what John and Susan did, and for what the church has esteemed so lightly. It is a question of marriage after all: “a little leaven leavens the whole lump” (First Corinthians 5:2, 6).

    And for yourselves, don’t be deceived. If someone divorced their spouse for a trivial matter and now they want to marry you—well, they may just divorce you for some trivial matter one day, as well (Luke 16:10).

    And now, some applications for the Internet:

    Divorce has reached epidemic proportions in our society, even in the church, so you are likely to deal with it at several points during your Internet adventure. Our previous chapter discussed its ramifications on the grounds of adultery, so let’s end this chapter with a discussion on those who divorced their spouse for other reasons, who are logging onto the meeting services to seek a new match.

    The Scriptures make it clear that if these persons remarry while their ex-spouse yet lives, the Lord will consider them guilty of adultery. Anyone who is joined to them will likewise be considered guilty (Romans 7:3; Matthew 19:9). This is a well-known Scriptural truth, familiar to any divorced Christian.

    Therefore, if the Scriptures really apply to them in this way, and they have decided to seek remarriage anyway, they are closing their eyes to the Lord and stepping forward in the hope that He will be closing His eyes too, and they are staking their standing before Him on the hope that He will do so (Malachi 2:13-16; Galatians 6:7-8).

    If someone decides to do this, then they’ve made up their mind in spite of very solemn Scriptural testimony. And if that’s the case, no further human words can dissuade them. But I would still say that at least they have no right to approach a single person, who has never been married, and draw them into that quagmire with them. It’s not fair to entangle another person with such severe implications when they might otherwise have been free of the matter entirely and found happiness apart from it.

    Therefore, if they’re determined to pursue a new marriage anyway, they should limit their search to others who have been divorced for similar reasons, who at least have made a similar decision for themselves. Each would be making the decision to remarry at their own risk, rather than sacrificing on behalf of someone who enticed them. Instead, they’d face any consequences on an equal basis.

    Perhaps the most poignant and difficult situation pertains to a person who has never been married but is now being contacted by a divorced person. In this case, someone with no romantic experience of consequence is being contacted by a person who has really been around the block and knows how it all works. The advice I would give, especially to young women, is something you must earnestly take to heart:

    Ladies, if you’ve never been married, then you must decide at the very outset whether or not you would be willing to marry a divorced man. If your answer is ‘No,’ then you must stick to that resolutely and never even flirt with the possibility; because emotionally, you are simply no match for a divorced man. He’ll have you wrapped around his finger before you know what happened to you.

    A man who has recently divorced has been intimately involved with a woman and under­stands her emotional makeup far more thoroughly than you may realize. For this reason he can interact with emotions to his advantage. I’ve seen this repeatedly over the years, to my very great sorrow. Here’s the basic scenario you may find:

    He may begin by talking to a young woman about his divorce. In doing this, he’ll speak to her emotions with tender, touching words that seem to nudge at her heart: “Everything made me cry, even a commercial on television about someone receiving flowers.” He seems to be choking back his flow of tears. And of course, she’ll start to cry as well.

    Once her emotions are flowing, he’ll weave his way among them with smooth, soothing words of comfort. He’ll gently calm her down—but through that process, he has woven his way into her feelings. By the time her emotions settle down, a part of his comfort will become a part of her emotional makeup and a link will be set. The poor young girl is too distraught to realize that he’s the one who caused her to cry in the first place, just so he could be the one to ‘fix’ it. He speaks to her now of God’s love, forgiveness and mercy, in order to cover those steps (Psalms 50:16-19,21-23).

    From far beyond, from the heart of the Lord in heaven, I feel His word about this type of ‘comfort’: “The light that is in him is darkness. Therefore, how great is that darkness!” He has sown to the flesh and will, of the flesh, reap corruption. It’s only a matter of time (Galatians 6:7-9).

    But what about a young man who is reading this book, who has never been married? Might a divorced woman do the same to you? Some might try. But if they do, they’ll do most of the crying (Malachi 2:13-14); Every woman knows that an inexperienced young man is terribly vulnerable to the tears of a woman in distress.

    So for those of you who have never been married, whether men or women, I very strongly suggest that you limit your search to the same. There are thousands of single persons on the Internet to choose from; and in a broader sense it’s desirable that two people have an equal amount of romantic experience as their relationship begins.

    If a divorced person writes to you, simply do not reply to them. Instead, leave them for the big boys and girls who have also been divorced, who at least know how to handle each other. But also bear in mind that not all of them will be as wily as I’ve described here. Some will be wounded souls who are simply trying to cope, so there’s no need for you to send back a scolding letter that lectures them. If you don’t reply at all, that’s enough. They’ll simply move on until they’ve found a person who will reply—probably another person in the same situation as themselves.

    If you’ll follow this advice, the implications of divorce will never be much of a factor in your search and you’ll save yourself a lot of trouble, both here and in your love life to come. But if you’d rather avoid the issue entirely, there may be a way for doing so in the near future. Nancy and I foresee a day when a special new feature will protect you from unwanted contact before it occurs. This will be an ‘exclusion’ feature and this is how it would work:

    If there’s a certain group you’d rather not hear from, you’d begin by clicking the ‘exclusion’ icon in your profile. This would produce another questionnaire, like the one you received at first–but it would apply to the other members. It would allow you to choose the criteria you wish to avoid in meeting others.

    Let’s say, for example, that you don’t want to be contacted by a divorced person. You’d simply click ‘divorced’ on this questionnaire and close it when you’re finished. From that point onward, no person at the service who describes themselves as ‘divorced’ would find your profile through a search, and none of their profiles would ever be shown to you.

    The same feature could be used in other ways. Let’s say that a young lady has pet birds, so she doesn’t want to meet a man with cats. She’s afraid his cats might eat her birds. (To her, a bird in the hand is worth a husband in the bush). So all she would have to do is click on the ‘exclusion’ icon, find the category that describes their pets, click on ‘cats’, and then close the profile when she’s done. From that day forward, within that membership, she would never cross paths with her notorious (if well-meaning) cat man.

    It might still be possible, however, to meet some of those persons in a chat room. If they get your screen name from there, they might call up your profile in that way. But if they try to send you an email, the computer may soon have an additional feature that sends them an error message, advising them that their message could not be sent to you “because of the member’s exclusion criteria.” Sort of like blocking someone on a cell phone.

    Let’s face it. It’s always difficult to reject someone for something which perhaps they can’t help, so it’s much easier to avoid the conflict in the first place. It’s also easier for the other person because it protects them from a more direct form of rejection. So hopefully, the next generation of web sites will keep this in mind and introduce the feature described.