Chapter 11: Divorce and Remarriage - Part I

 

    When an author like me writes a Christian book, he is essentially filling the role of a teacher. God has a much stricter judgment in mind for us, because others may act on our advice. If it is good, they will benefit and we, too, shall receive a reward (Daniel 12:3). But if our advice is bad, we’ll become a stumbling block and share the responsibility for their sins. We may even be considered an accessory, to share in their punishment. And that is quite a responsibility to bear (Isaiah 3:12-15; Jeremiah 27:15; James 3:1-2; 2 John 11 KJV).

    Therefore, a teacher must always do his best to represent the Lord’s counsel honestly, letting God be true and every man as a liar, just as it is written: ‘That you may be justified in your words, and may overcome when you are judged.’ (Romans 3:4). As teachers, we can do nothing against the truth, only for the truth; and that is the standard I must uphold in these difficult chapters about divorce and remarriage (Second Corinthians 13:8).

    Divorce is one of the greatest pains that life can bring. Conventional wisdom places it second-highest on the list of pains, only surpassed by the death of a spouse. But I am not alone in disagreeing with that estimate. The death of a spouse, however terrible, is still an honorable event. Their beloved partner remained faithful to the end and left a cherished legacy behind them. But at the very least, divorce will see one’s innocence stripped away from them. Honor will be lost and there may even be a sense of bitterness or betrayal. Divorce, I believe, is the most painful event of them all.

    But as prevalent as divorce has become in our society, few Christians have sought a Biblical perspective on it; or sadly to say, it’s because it is so rampant that they haven’t looked into it honestly, for the secular mind of our society has infiltrated the Church in these days, rather than the mind of Christ prevailing (Luke 16:15-18; First Corinthians 5:6).

    In this chapter and the next, we’ll discuss what the Bible really has to say on the subject of divorce and remarriage. For some of you, this may be the first time anyone has been honest enough to speak to you this way. Therefore, I hope you’ll be humble and honest in receiving it as such. This will not be an easy chapter to write.

    We must understand, first of all, that divorce is never a subject in itself. When we discuss it, the real subject is marriage. It calls into question our marital vows that were made before the Lord: “For better or for worse … for richer or poorer … in good times or in bad . . . till death do us part.”

    Just as God was a witness to a marriage, He becomes a witness to divorce. It’s a serious matter because it involves the breaking of a covenant. He is never looking the other way when this happens; He is always watching and ever mindful of the covenant that was made:

    Yet you say, “For what reason?” because the LORD has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, with whom you have dealt treacherously; yet she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

    But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.

    “For the LORD God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence,” says the LORD of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”

(Malachi 2:14-16)

    In the same passage, marriage is referred to as “the holy institute which God loves” (Malachi 2:11). It’s an earthly reflection of Christ and the church, making it the most sacred of earthly institutes, and the Lord requires Christians to keep their marital vows with the same steadfast loyalty. To allow otherwise on the earth would be a hateful thing for Him, except under very limited and tragic circum­stances which we will discuss in these two chapters.

    Here is the second thing to understand about divorce: when a Christian couple divorces, it is impossible for both of them to be innocent. At least one of them will be deemed a covenant breaker; at least one of them has broken their solemn vow before the Lord. As the apostles observed, it would have been better to remain single and never to have married than to have a marriage end in divorce. Because of the vow that is broken, it would be better if they had never loved, than to have loved and lost (Matthew 19:10).

    “When you make a vow to God, do not delay to pay it; for He has no pleasure in fools. Pay what you have vowed—better not to vow than to vow and not pay. Do not let your mouth cause your flesh to sin, nor say before the messenger of God that it was an error. Why should God be angry at your excuse and destroy the work of your hands?”

(Ecclesiastes 5:4-7)

    If you’ve caught the words, “God hates divorce . . . angry at your excuse . . . no pleasure in fools,” you’re beginning to see His heart toward the person who breaks their marital vows. If you understand the meaning of “take heed to your spirit,” you’re seeing an actual threat from Him: a very firm and very solemn warning that there will be a consequence to pay.

    In the exchange of wedding vows, each partner has given their pledge freely, so God expects them to keep their vows: “That which has gone from your lips you shall keep and perform, for you voluntarily vowed to the LORD your God what you have promised with your mouth.” (Deuteronomy 23:23). God requires every word of those vows to be kept faithfully, till death do you part: “But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment” (Matthew 12:36).

    Marriage, as with all types of covenants, is based on the principle of “death before dishonor.” God requires even death before breaking the terms of a covenant, no matter how difficult the terms of that covenant may be. But just how seriously does God Himself live up to that standard? Let’s probe a Scriptural example to see. The story will be familiar to most of us, yet it includes a subtle, poignant insight that is often overlooked:

    In the early days of the kingdom of Israel, God found David to be a man after His own heart. He took him from following the flocks and made him king, and later He made a covenant with him. This was perhaps the greatest commitment God had made to any living person until that time, comparable only to His covenant with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. For in His great love, He swore to David that the Christ would be born of his seed:

    “I have made a covenant with My chosen, I have sworn to My servant David; ‘Your seed I will establish forever, and build up your throne to all generations’ … He shall cry to Me, ‘You are My Father, My God, and the rock of My salvation.’ Also I will make Him My firstborn, the highest of the kings of the earth.”

(Psalms 89:3, 26-27)

    David was greatly humbled by the Lord’s promise and deeply moved. But time would pass and weakness would overtake him:

    Four chapters later, in a moment of temptation, David fell into sin with Bathsheba, who conceived with his child. In order to hide this crime, David slew her husband, Uriah, by the sword of the people of Amon. Then he married Bathsheba to raise his own child after it was born. But the Lord saw the thing which David had done, and it greatly displeased Him.

    We all know the story that followed, as David was caught in his sin through the Prophet’s parable: “Thou art the man!” We know of the punishment that followed, and how it led one day to Absalom’s rebellion. But for a moment, let’s focus on another part of David’s punishment which is seldom understood:

    Uriah and Bathsheba were apparently childless until that day, for no children were mentioned from their marriage. Apparently they hadn’t been married for long when those events took place. Therefore, when David killed Uriah, he had also cut off all of his descendants after him, for now they would never be born.

    Furthermore David, himself, had married his wife, rather than giving her to one of Uriah’s brothers who could have raised up offspring for him, as the law of Moses required in those days (Deuteronomy 25:5,6). In this way, too, David’s evil deed had destroyed the lineage of Uriah, which might have followed.

    Through his sin, by the sword of the people of Amon, Uriah’s house had perished from the earth. So the punishment that followed David's house would match his crime, as God pronounced His penalty upon him:

“Now therefore, the sword shall not depart from your house forever.”

(Second Samuel 12:10)

    For all of the generations that followed, the sword followed David’s descendants just as it had devoured Uriah’s household. In some ways, this was similar to God’s judgment on the house of Eli: “There shall not be an old man in your house forever . . . all the descendants of your house shall die in the flower of their age.” (First Samuel 2:32-33).

    But wait a moment! What about the covenant God had made with David, just four chapters earlier? Hadn’t He promised that Jesus Himself would be born of David’s seed? So in order to keep both His covenant and His judgment, wouldn’t God have to bring the sword against His own Son one day, when Jesus was born in David’s house? Would He remain true to His oath then, even if it meant bringing the sword against His own Son?

    “Awake, O sword, against My Shepherd, against the Man who is My companion” says the LORD of hosts. “Strike the Shepherd, and the sheep will be scattered … “

(Zechariah 13:7)

    God honors those who swear to their own hurt and do not change (Psalms 15:4), and without a doubt He set the greatest possible example of this, Himself. He held to the principle of death before dishonor, even at the dearest possible cost.

    But, we all know this was not the end of the story. God works all things together for good for those who love Him, who are the called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). God remained true to His word; and because Jesus remained faithful unto death, God gave Him a crown of life. The cross, followed by the resurrection, is the great deliverance of all mankind; and through it, Jesus espoused Himself to His eternal bride, the church.

    Now that we have a basic understanding of a covenant, and that marriage itself is a covenant, let’s talk about divorce as the breaking of that covenant. For the rest of this chapter and the next, we’ll discuss its implications, and the implications of remarriage, through ten separate scenarios:

Scenario 1. A Spouse Commits Adultery

    First, it is important to note that a marriage covenant can only be broken through divorce. Even adultery does not actually break the covenant because the two persons are still married to each other. But adultery does violate the heart and soul of the covenant, so it constitutes a fair ground for seeking divorce.

    In the tragic event of adultery, the offended partner will have two basic options: to be reconciled to their spouse, or to divorce them. So let’s discuss those choices separately.

    Reconciliation is a real option if a way can possibly be found for it. If you choose this, God would assist you with grace to overcome the harm that was done in your life. In a broader sense, He would help restore the entire marriage by helping your partner as well.

    So if your partner has fallen in a moment of weakness, but this has not been habitual for them, this option should be fully considered—especially if they have confessed it to you themselves in seeking your forgiveness. Sure, it still hurts. It may even be a torment. But healing with true repentance and forgiveness is quite honestly the best option for you in this case (Psalm 34:14-15).

    On the other hand, if your spouse has committed adultery and you decide you would rather divorce them, there is only one Scripture that would clearly justify your decision:

    “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.”

(Matthew 19:9)

    In this particular, tragic instance, Jesus would justify both a divorce and a remarriage for the sake of the innocent partner. So if you have divorced your spouse for this reason and you are now seeking to marry again, then may God grant you happiness and peace, and a love that is blissful and true. You didn’t do anything wrong and you deserve the opportunity to try again if you wish. But let’s explode some myths about the same verse, as it is applied in other ways:

Scenario 2: An Ex-spouse Has Remarried

    When a Christian couple divorces on grounds other than adultery, they often settle into a mode called “the waiting game.” Like two ogres leering at each other over the fence, they’ll wait for each other to stumble. “If they remarry first, they’ll be guilty of adultery and I’ll be free to marry whom I wish!”

    It’s heartbreaking to think that two people, who once loved each other so much as to devote their lives to each other and swear their mutual fidelity forever, would now be hoping to see the other one commit adultery! Can anyone imagine that God approves of this? And in any case, their hope is entirely false:

    As you can see from our quotation in Matthew 19:9, Jesus is concerned with just one thing: Why did the divorce take place? What were the reasons behind that? In other words, He’s talking about the process that led up to the event, which actually caused it.

    Whatever follows a divorce cannot be a cause of it, but a result. So even if someone’s ex-partner does remarry at a later time, it cannot become the grounds for the divorce, which already took place under other terms. Adultery had to be part of the original reason in order to justify a remarriage.

    In a similar passage, Jesus addressed this very notion more directly. He knew that divorce would produce a stumbling block because of our human weaknesses (Matthew 5:32; First Corinthians 7:5). A person who has been sexually active, but has suddenly been deprived of it through divorce, is likely to fall into sexual sin with another person if they are tempted to do so. Therefore, He would chastise a couple for divorcing, because it would cause their ex-spouse to fall into adultery. He would blame them for inciting each other in this, and hold them accountable for it; it’s certainly not something He would justify them over (Psalms 50:16-21).

    It would be better for each of the partners to humble themselves before the Lord and before each other, to remember their first love, and seek to rekindle that love in hopes that a humble reconciliation may yet be possible. Because the only real choices they have from the Scriptures are to remain single or be reconciled to their spouse (First Corinthians 7:11). Beyond that, they could only remarry if their former spouse passed away (Romans 7:3).

Scenario 3: A New Romantic Interest while the Divorce is Still Pending

    Now let’s discuss a similar situation, with a variant that brings a much different result. Let’s say that a couple is divorcing for some reason other than adultery; but while the proceedings are still underway, one of them finds a new partner. They’re waiting it out for the divorce to be finalized, but they intend to be married soon afterward. They may even be refraining from sexual intercourse in the meantime.

    Nevertheless, in this case, adultery is a part of the divorce. The marriage itself is still intact, yet another sexual interest is intended. And even if that intention has not been acted upon, it still plays an active role because it closes the door for reconciliation. Therefore, it’s still a factor in this divorce. The other partner, unless they are also guilty of adultery, would be free to remarry afterward.

    If someone is going through a divorce, they need to keep themselves entirely free of other romantic entanglements, including the Internet meeting services, and to concentrate their full efforts on saving their marriage. And everyone else needs to back away and allow them the opportunity for doing this.

    Remember that God is still a witness of their marriage covenant and He requires faithfulness from both of them at all times. So if their partner is determined to break the marriage anyway, the innocent party must still do their best, in the meantime, to prove themselves blameless in the matter. Their future happiness may depend on it.

    One final word on this scenario: if you have filed for divorce, but not on grounds of adultery, and your spouse responded by seeking a new romantic interest while the divorce was pending, you may be implicated after all. Your action cast a stumbling block before them, as in Matthew 5:32. Therefore, even if you changed your mind to seek reconciliation before the divorce became final, a dye was cast when you filed the petition and you will not be blameless. Your action contributed to their fall.

Scenario 4: Novel Definitions of Adultery

    Matthew 19:9 has been misconstrued in other ways, based on some cunning interpret­ations of 'adultery.' As a result, adultery itself may need to be properly defined:

    "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?”

(Matthew 19:4-5)

    I once heard of a woman who wanted to divorce her husband because he had lusted after the women in an aerobics video. Her point was that in so doing, he had committed ‘adultery of the heart’ (Matthew 5:28).

    While it’s true that he committed adultery in his heart and no one could blame her for being angry, and we would probably all agree that her husband was a slob and that he needed to repent and get his act together, the simple fact is that he had not become one flesh with another woman. That’s what the covenant of marriage is about, and it was not violated through that episode.

    God may still judge her husband for ‘spiritual adultery’ because of his thoughts in that incident, but in my opinion it takes an overt act of adultery in the flesh to justify an earthly divorce. If you’ll track down the Scriptural examples of ‘Spiritual adultery’ (to use the term loosely), you’ll see that it is always a crime against God alone and never portrayed in a human-to-human context. And even when it does occur in the heavenly context, God always seeks restoration (Hosea Chapters 1-3).

    But let’s return to the aerobics video from another angle. If we turned to a standard of divorce based on thoughts (or what we think someone’s thoughts might have been,) Christian marriages could crumble any time we passed someone who dressed nicely and we were distracted by their movement; or on any occasion when Satan tempts us in an unguarded moment, or even in our dreams in our deepest sleep.

    In another instance, ‘adultery’ was mis-defined by a pair of cultic ‘pastors’ who were extreme control freaks If a husband in their group questioned their excessive rule, they would go to his wife behind his back, accuse him of ‘spiritual adultery’ (because he was ‘un-submissive’) and command his wife to divorce him on those grounds!

    Often their wives did just that! And those very spiritual pastors even had a new spouse picked out for the wife, and lined up for a quick remarriage. This was done to slam the door on the questioning husband, to cut off his hope for reconciliation and make him an example to the other husbands. Those ‘pastors’ even performed the new wedding ceremonies themselves, ‘to let everyone know who’s boss.’

    In this particular instance, raising a question about pastoral leadership was called ‘spiritual adultery.’ But this is entirely backwards. Just as Jesus is our high priest and He ministers to His own bride the church, a husband is ordained as the spiritual leader of his own home, and the ‘authority’ of any pastor stops at his front door (Ephesians 5:21-27). And if an intrusive pastor attempts otherwise, then he, himself, is the one guilty of ‘spiritual adultery’.

    In a case like that, don’t allow yourself to be deceived, because God is not mocked. He who sows to the flesh will, of the flesh, reap corruption (Galatians 6:7-8). One of the pastors I mentioned is dead now, and that by his own hand. (Remember what we said about teachers receiving a stricter judgment?) And the other pastor seems to be losing his marbles, so I surely hope that no one takes him seriously anymore.

    But the point, for now, is that it takes an overt act of adulterous intercourse—in the flesh—to justify divorce on the grounds of adultery. This must take place while the marriage is still intact, as a reason for the divorce itself; or in some other way the intention of adultery, while the marriage is still intact, plays a role that prevents reconciliation. For only in this way might a divorce and also the further act of remarriage be justified.

    Therefore, if you meet someone online who tells you that their ex-spouse committed ‘spiritual adultery’ against them, or ‘adultery of the heart,’ or something in similar terms, don’t allow yourself to be joined in their unfortunate delusion. If that person should remarry, they would be guilty of adultery; and if you are the one who marries them, you would be accountable as well. And the scriptures say that “fornicators and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). You would do much better to encourage them to remain single, or to be reconciled to their spouse. And for yourself, you would do much better to look elsewhere. If they did that to their former spouse, why would you think you would fare any better?

    This has been a fairly thorough review on the question of adultery as a justification for divorce and remarriage. In the next chapter we’ll consider some other grounds for justification. But for now, let’s apply these insights to your search on the Internet:

    If your spouse committed adultery against you, while you were completely faithful to them, and you have divorced them for that reason, then you are fully justified in your divorce. You are also justified in seeking a new partner if you should choose to do so. In today’s climate of rampant divorce, your status is special and you deserve to be distinguished from other divorced persons. So here is my advice to you:

    When you fill out your Internet profile, you’ll find a multiple choice question to categorize your marital status. Rather than clicking on the ‘divorced’ category, I suggest you choose the rather obscure category of ‘other.’ This will require a further explanation at some other part of the questionnaire, where you’ll need to plainly explain that your spouse committed adultery against you, while you were innocent, and that your divorce took place for that reason. I would also suggest adding something to the effect that there is no hope of reconciliation, if indeed no hope remains.

    As you begin your search, you’ll be just as free as a single person who is seeking a new partner. But may I suggest that your best option would be in finding someone else who has suffered the same fate as you, and knows what it’s like to walk in your shoes. You should probably begin by searching through the ‘other’ category as well. But before you even start, keep one very important condition in mind:

    Be sure that your divorce has been finalized before your Internet search begins. If you are still legally married, then your interest in another person becomes a factor that closes the door of reconciliation with your spouse, making adultery a factor on your side of the divorce as well. It may even cost you your standing of justification before the Lord. For the same reason, you should make sure that anyone else you meet, who has suffered a similar fate, has also seen their divorce finalized before you open a relationship with them at all.

    Be patient. Seek reconciliation with your spouse with a sincere heart if you possibly can. Only if you are sure that all hope has been exhausted and the divorce has actually been finalized should you begin to seek another partner.

    Remember that you’ve tried marriage once and it didn’t work out. By all means, completely submit yourself to the Lord before trying again, for a great deal of healing is needed which can come to you in no other way. Do nothing on the rebound, because that could be ill-considered and destructive. Take some time to heal and allow the Lord to mend your broken heart. Do this, and build a new future in which God’s peace and blessings will attend you.