Chapter 10: The Widow’s Legacy

 

    In Houston today lives the finest Christian man I have ever known. He is my closest male friend in life, and he was the best man at my wedding. We’ve shared a true Jonathan-David friendship for thirty-five years and we would truly lay down our lives for each other. “Yes, that’s right,” he would say immediately, without the slightest hesitation and with total sincerity.

    But a Jonathan-David friendship holds more than just a bond for life. There is a faithfulness that remains after death (First Samuel 20:14-15). The grave cannot conquer love, for it is as strong as death; and faith, hope and love abide forever (Song of Solomon 8:6; First Corinthians 13:13). Life in this world may end for one of us; but as long as the other remains, there is a faithfulness to be kept with their family.

    One day several years ago, my friend called to tell me of a disturbing dream he’d had. In the dream he had died; his wife had become a widow and his children were left fatherless. He said nothing more, but he didn’t need to—there was a complete understanding between us. If he happened to die before me, I would see to it that his wife and children were cared for, and I would continue to do so for the rest of my life.

    On that occasion, for the first time, I saw a concern that had never occurred to me as a single person. But now that I’m married too, I’ve reflected over it earnestly. What would be the thoughts of a dying spouse if they knew their hour had come? What knowledge could be given, or what arrangement could be made, that would comfort their soul? And how might it apply to the surviving spouse, if they chose one day to remarry?

    Earthly marriage is a covenant for life, so it ends with a spouse’s death (Romans 7:2-3; First Corinthians 7:39). When this occurs, the surviving spouse is free to remarry if they choose. Yet a certain love remains for their former spouse which the grave can never erase—and nor should it do so, ever. A new chapter has begun, yet a certain faithfulness endures. And if the surviving spouse remarries, their new partner should understand something about that faithfulness, because they will have to become a part of it.

    A dying spouse is an enlightened soul. In his final hours he will be meditating on the important things, especially what will follow for his partner after he is gone. Something deep in his heart will realize the wisdom in Paul’s advice: “Therefore I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity for the adversary to speak reproachfully” (First Timothy 5:14); and the noblest part of him will understand that this usually is in their best interest. He will bless her and wish her to find a new happiness for herself.

    As he lies on his deathbed, he will understand that his spouse has proven loyal, even unto death—in fact, they have both done so now. They’ve kept the covenant they made, they’ve finished the race together, so he’ll know from experience that he can trust her to choose a new partner wisely. Indeed, God Himself is willing to trust her in that decision (First Corinthians 7:39).

    The person she marries will be someone who truly loves her and will appreciate her. The dying spouse may worry about her life until then, and utter some heartfelt prayers while he can; but soon his worry will focus on their children and another question will rise. If his wife remarries, her new spouse will obviously have a reason for loving her, but will he love their children as well?

    Nor is he alone in this concern. God has a very special care for widows and orphans, and He watches over these precious, vulnerable souls by His own tender love. A part of that care is based on a faithfulness He keeps with the departed spouse, who is with Him now in heaven (Genesis 26:24; First Kings 11:11-13; Psalms 37:23-25). This bond of faithfulness extends to the earth to include the wife and children he left behind. For the departed husband’s sake also, God will be looking out for this family.

    Dear reader, please hear this very soberly and consider what I'm saying, for this is something you must truly learn to respect. This little family may be vulnerable in life, yet He is mighty who defends them (Exodus 22:22-24; Deuteronomy 10:17-18). And the same faithfulness of God that diligently protects this little family will appreciate and bless a genuine care that others may show them.

    So if you are considering a relationship with a widowed person, let your heart be right, and by all means let it be generous enough to consider the whole situation. God would want you to understand His loving concern for the children, as well as your interest in the surviving spouse. So here are some things to keep in mind:

    If you should marry a widow, a new chapter in life would begin for each of you. Her former husband would be an honored memory, but he would no longer be a part of the present relationship. You would have your own new terms just as any other new couple. But you should never allow the children from the former marriage to be neglected, for they are a special matter. God would want you to remain faithful to the departed father in that regard, just as He Himself remains faithful to him.

    Don’t change their names to your own last name—let them bear their father’s name still. Teach them to honor his memory but to accept you as the man who fulfills his responsibilities now. Time is a boundary, like the chapters of a book, and you are the one taking care of them in this chapter.

    Don’t be jealous of their father, but respectful of him. Honor his memory and fill his role, but do so as your own man, in the way that God leads you. In this way you will build your own special relationship with these children, so that they may be your own children as well; for they will be needing a father in more ways than in memory or in name.

    And if God grants you other children besides them (which is usually advisable in the case of a young widow who remarries), then you should love and accept all of the children equally, with no partiality for one above another. The first children may not be your own flesh and blood, but they are the children of your beloved spouse and your beloved Lord. So your heart needs to have enough room to include them all.

    If you were to die and leave children behind, how would you want your wife’s new spouse to treat them? Let that thought be your guide in your own situation, and do for the departed husband as you would have another man do for you. Now let’s discuss this situation pertaining to the widow herself:

    When I began my Internet search, I wanted to find a person like me, who had never been married. But I also thought it possible that God might bring me together with a widow, possibly with young children. I thought a great deal about the whole situation and what it would mean, and I thought I understood what it would include. But there was one area that worried me because I felt inadequate:

    A widow is someone who has kept their covenant of marriage to the end. Their faithfulness is beyond question and they are well-experienced in married life. In my opinion, that made a widow the finest choice of them all. But a single person like me, who had never been married, was an untried and unproven person in those same ways.

    The simple truth is that I wondered if such a person would be worthy of a widow. If she wished to remarry and she chose such a man, she was certainly free to do so: widows marry whomever they wish, only in the Lord (First Corinthians 7:39). But in actual truth, her best choice would probably be a widower who had proven just as faithful as she, perhaps with young children of his own. They would truly understand each other in life, in death, and also in a new life together. In this we see a glimpse of the love of Christ with a glorified bride, in the regeneration, when we meet Him in His glory at His coming.

    And now some applications for the Internet.

    When you logon to a Christian meeting service at present, you probably won’t find many widows there. This is understandable, because the Internet was probably not in vogue during their first courtship, which lead to their original marriage. They’ve probably returned to meeting people in a more familiar way. But hopefully, the Internet will play a larger role for them in the future.

    Also: in our society there are simply not many younger widows and widowers available (First Timothy 5:14). So if they’re looking for a counterpart with the same background, they won’t find many to choose from. This is where the Internet could revolutionize their hope and provide them with a much broader forum.

    If a widow or a widower joins a Christian meeting service, I have only four suggestions for them:

    First, be sure to include some pictures of your kids in your profile. Don’t put them in your primary picture (which is shown at all times) because that should be a picture of you. But without fail, you should put your kid’s pictures in one of your secondary photos, if your profile allows more than one.

    Second, be sure to mention your kids in your profile, but for now just provide their gender and ages. You can discuss them in detail at a later time in your correspondence. Your task, for now, is simply to build a rapport with a potential match, between you and them alone, before widening the relationship to include children.

    Your children should not be introduced to the new relationship until it is at a stable and promising stage. But once this seems likely, the surviving parent should start talking to them to help prepare them for the meeting. They have already suffered the loss of a parent, so the transformation needs to be as smooth and happy for them as possible. They might even start to participate with questions – let them play a part if you can.

    Third: When you write to others, don’t give the impression that you still haven’t gotten over the death of your spouse. If your period of mourning is still not over, then do yourself a big favor and don’t rush things. Don’t logon yet. Wait until more healing has come. Although your former spouse is always to be honored, these meetings are about your future and you cannot remain in that honored past. You have to show a willingness to press on and to establish a new life for yourself and your kids with the person whom you’ll meet online.

    Fourth and finally, be yourself. Everyone will know that you are a loyal, proven person. You are one of the only persons on the Internet who can actually say that as a matter of record—and in our day and age that is more precious than any treasure:

    “A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, loving favor rather than silver and gold.”

(Proverbs 22:1)