Chapter 1: A Season of Singleness

 

    “Most of you in this room will be getting married one day,” said the pastor to our College group. “But until that day, you’ve been called to a season of singleness; a time when you may serve the Lord without distraction. So you should learn to focus your attention on Him to make the most of this time.” (First Corinthians 7:32-35).

    Like the other young people in that room, I smiled uncomfortably. The passage he had referenced. about the advantage of staying single, was dreaded by many Christian singles, yet he’d phrased it in a way that brought relief instead. It wasn’t so bad when we thought of it as a season, and we could bear it more easily. Possibly, we could even rejoice in it.

    I’d become a Christian a year earlier, at the age of twenty-one. Little had I known it, but my own season of singleness would last another twenty-one years, so that I would finally be getting married at age forty-two. My wife Nancy, who became a Christian in the same year as me, would be waiting until she was forty-three.

    Despite some romantic bumps and much more frequent temptations, we both retained our virtue until our wedding day. I believed from the beginning that God would use this as a testimony, and I would soon learn more about what He had in mind for me:

    “Be specific when you pray!” said the traveling evangelist, who spoke to our church a few months later. “Why, I once heard the story of a young woman who prayed, ‘God, please send my mother a son-in-law!’ Sometimes our prayers are so vague that the devil himself doesn’t know what to fight against!”

    He smiled and brought it home: “So if you’re a young person who’s looking for a spouse, you should decide exactly what you’re looking for. Make a list of it! Take it before the Lord and pray about it, and trust Him to bring you the spouse of your dreams!” To a single young Christian like me, that sounded like a great idea.

    Immediately I began to consider how my future spouse should be. A list began to form in my mind. item by item it grew, with thoughtful tweaks and revisions as it expanded from day to day. I wanted to present this to the Lord in its final form, without the need for amend­ments, to show Him that I’d taken it seriously from the beginning.

    At last came the day when my wonderful new list was complete and committed to paper, and ready for its presentation heavenward. Beaming with hope and a little shy, I took it into my prayer closet (an actual, walk-in closet,) sat down, and spread it on the floor in front of me, Hezekiah style. I cleared my throat with a sheepish grin.

    “Lord, may I have your attention for a moment, please?” I motioned toward the list and began.

    “Lord, I’ve got this all figured out. This is exactly the girl I’m looking for. I think she should be like this . . . and like this . . . and she does this and that . . .but she never does something like this, and she isn’t like that at all!”

    As shyness turned to enthusiasm, my pace livened. Rarely had that prayer closet seemed so animated! Yet from far beyond and reaching back to my soul, an unexpected response took form. The Lord seemed unhappy with my words, as though my prayer displeased Him, and I could feel His heart fretting against me.

    But I’ll keep going. I’ll win Him over. I thought with a quiet smile. Such was the enthusiasm of a baby Christian; yet His displeasure only seemed to grow.

    My confidence strained and my words became harried. I turned to reasoning and pleading. “You see Lord, I’ve thought about this. ‘Cause if she was like this it would really work out great, because …”

    Finally the impression became too weighty and persistent, and my countenance fell. The list dropped silently into my lap and I looked upward sadly. “Lord, what am I doing wrong?”

    “Get rid of that list!” I felt Him saying, which was initially hard to bear. After all, I’d put my heart into it! But He always had my best interest at heart so I knew I should trust Him. And of course, He was about to show me more.

    “Now go and make two lists.” He seemed to say. “Make one for her, but make the other for yourself; and base them on the relationship between Christ and the church, as shown to you in the scriptures.”

    I winced in amazement. It was such an obvious truth, how could I possibly have missed it? “Of course! That’s the way it’s supposed to be!” But just as suddenly I realized that I knew almost nothing about it!

    As often as we’d heard this ideal proclaimed, no one had actually described it in detail. As I thought back on it, ‘Christ and the church’ had always been mentioned in passing, leaving this ‘universal truth’ a complete mystery. But how was that possible in the church itself?

    Apparently the concept was so very agreeable that we’d all accepted it at once, without the need for exploring it further – yet that very acceptance had produced a weakness. Because we had never struggled with it, we had never come to grips with it either. I shook my head in wonder. How sad, to glimpse the key of happiness in a glass box without raising its lid! So in practical terms, I would need to begin my study from scratch.

    Over the next few weeks, two complete scriptural ‘profiles’ emerged. They described, on paper, our wonderful relationship with Jesus Himself in spirit and in truth. Sheltered in His lordship, love and care, and met with our loving devotion, it could only be admired. It was truly and profoundly beautiful in every way.

    As I’ve told this story over the years, I have frequently been asked for copies of those lists, but it must never be handled so simply. Christ and the church is something we must all grapple with and appreciate for ourselves, if we are ever to find its sprit and life. Obtaining that knowledge through a list, without the struggle behind it, would reduce it to a mere arrangement: a catalog of things to do; another set of ‘Christian rules’. And that could be even than our present ignorance, which at least is sincere and alive.

    For example: the ‘church’ list drew significantly from Proverbs 31, a passage that is dreaded by many of our Christian sisters. But ladies, is that not because you have learned to view it impersonally, as a catalog of things to do, or a list of requirements? 

    It can only become beautiful when held next to the ‘Jesus’ list in the context of real spiritual love and mutual care. In a similar way, a good Christian match begins with a focus on Jesus and draws from His grace to connect with Him and with each other.

    Over the years, the words of my college pastor came back to me often. A ‘season’ implied a day when our singleness would end, but it must also prepare us for those days and hasten their coming – concepts that are true of the heavenly relationship itself (Revelation 19:7; Second Peter 3:12). So let’s apply those insights to an earthly match:

    Ladies, during your season of singleness, you should set your heart on knowing Jesus as closely as possible. As He responds with His own love and grace, He’ll transform you into a true companion for Himself: a microcosm of what the church was always meant to be. And wouldn’t a woman like this be a better match for even the finest Christian man? So a dramatic fringe benefit appears. But the effect is even more profound for our Christian brothers:

    Men, the more you seek the Lord in your desire to know Him, the more He’ll transform you into His own image from deeply within your character. This is the truest and greatest benefit of them all. And through the very same process, you’ll become a much better match for your future Christian bride. It may even be the key to your winning her. Here’s why:

    Just as Jesus would be the perfect match for any Christian woman (no matter how different those women may be from each other), becoming more like Jesus would make you increasingly eligible among those same women. Your circle of possi­bilities would constantly expand—possibly to include your future wife, if she’s not within that circle already. Because the more our Christian sisters love the Lord and are drawn to Him as microcosms of the church, the more they’ll be drawn to someone like you as a microcosm of the Lord Himself. This goes beyond perception to become the fact of the matter.

    The whole learning process begins with a heavenly focus. It will make you better Christians and better partners for each other in the days to come, and “a three-fold cord is not quickly broken” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).