Addendum

    After our wedding announcement, Nancy and I found almost universal support from our relatives and friends, which was a great cause for rejoicing. But not everyone will enjoy the same acceptance. So what should you do if your match faces opposition?

    A dear friend of ours recently encountered this problem. He began dating a young lady in town, but her friends opposed the relationship. At first they tried to appease them, but could never seem to do enough. Finally they decided to rise above their criticism and carry on despite them, and went on to date happily for a year.

    At the end of that year he proposed, and everyone expected her to say ‘Yes’ at once. But something strange happened: at the last minute she got scared, demurred, and wouldn’t answer. She was flustered and embarrassed, and he was crushed. Both of them reeled emotionally.

    As soon as this vacuum ensued, her old friends rushed in with renewed efforts to split them up. She knew that she really loved him, so she was stalemated. Our own friend, now dejected, asked to meet me for lunch because he needed to talk about this. We met the following day.

    “I went to your discipleship group for more than a year.” he told me, “And you always told us to look to Jesus as our example. So then, what would Jesus do in a case like mine?”

    “So where are you guys at now?” I asked.

    “We’re dating again, but it’s kind of awkward. Basically, it’s like it was before I proposed, except that I don’t know what to say to her about it. So it’s just kind of hanging there.”

    He felt sure that she still loved him and it would be alright in the end, and that they would eventually be married anyway. But the real topic now was how to deal with the opposition. This particular group was a church-pack, which reminded me of the college-outreach church I had attended years ago, where everyone turned into busybodies while waiting for ‘God’s best’ to come along.

    “Well, the scriptures say that ‘for this cause a man leaves his father and mother, to cling to his wife.’” said I, “So if you know it’s right between you, then you would even rise above the complaints of your parents. How much more then, to rise above the objections of her friends?”

    He nodded in a quiet way that said, “I thought of that.” Yet the opposition had resurfaced like a disease in remission, resurgent. In modern times my advice might seem controversial but I shared it anyway:

    “Alright, to answer your situation let’s combine two well-known parables. You’ll have to think about this, but I believe you’ll see the mind of Christ for your situation:

    “As you know, Jesus is described as a bridegroom who is going away for now, but one day He’ll return for His bride. For that reason the wedding has been delayed.” (Matthew 25:1-5). This sounded similar enough, so he nodded.

    “Now let’s superimpose this parable over another one.” and we opened our Bibles to Luke 19:12-27:

    “‘A certain nobleman went into a far country to receive for himself a kingdom and to return . . . but his citizens hated him, and sent a delegation after him, saying, “We will not have this man to reign over us.”

    “The timing is the same as our first parable; both of them end with the Lord’s return, so we’re actually talking about the same situation. In other words, if we put them together: some folks will support the Lord’s wedding, and some will oppose it. Do you see where I’m going with this?” The astonishment in his face told me he’d made the connection.

    “At the end of our combined parable, Jesus returns anyway. Despite their hostility, He has overcome; we might say, He will marry His bride despite their opposition. And when He prevails, He has a reckoning with those who opposed Him:

    “‘But bring here those enemies of mine, who did not want me to reign over them, and slay them before me.’”

    “Now obviously I’m not suggesting you hurt anyone. But let’s give this a more practical application:

    “If her friends have opposed your relationship, but you’ve married in spite of them, then you have prevailed. God has given you the victory so it’s time for an ultimatum. They opposed your marriage, so now they must suffer the consequence:

    “Either they get on board 100% right now, or they get out of your lives for good; either they change their tune completely, or their friendship with your wife is over.

    “In fact, in your case, they’ve already had their second chance and you see what they’ve done with it. So if I were you, I would go straight to the consequence and sack them all. Otherwise, the next time you have an argument with your wife, their knives will come out again.

    “Remember that your marriage is the most important relationship of your life, next to the Lord Himself. Neither of you should tolerate a ‘friend’ who is not completely supportive of your marriage. Jesus wouldn’t allow anyone to do so: ‘Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.’

    “So then, the time has come for you to rise up in your strength, O man of God – and do it.”

    One reason I could give this counsel so boldly is because I knew his quality. He’d find a firm yet graceful way of enforcing it. But I had her best interest at heart as well:

    His leadership in this area would show a level of resolve so unmistakable that it would settle her emotional quandary entirely. And in a very human way, she needed this to expiate her emotional pain and prove her devotion to him again. Being a good Christian woman, she would recognize the Biblical basis for this counsel and respect it; and she would admire his leadership for making such a difficult stand on their behalf, and follow him.

    Dear reader, in a broader sense, marriage is a time when your circle of friends will be changing anyway. Ask anyone who’s been married for long: soon, their closest friends will be other Christian couples whom they’ve met, who can be mutually supportive.

    And ladies, you have a perfect right to demand the same of your husband in relation to his old friends. If any of them appears to come between you or before you, they must go.

    If opposition is coming from a relative – well, you’d still be related to them, but their influence must suffer a similar fate. Be cordial, but never let them dictate anything to you. If you ever find yourselves, as a couple, pandering to someone else for approval of your marriage, that day will never come; and in that regard you’d be building on a foundation of sand.

    The good news is that this particular story had a very happy ending. Our friend proposed again, and this time she said “Yes!” immediately. They were married after a short engagement; and wouldn’t you know it? The Lord quickly blessed him with an excellent new job – half a continent away – which gave them a wonderful opportunity for a new beginning, apart from their former acquaintances:

    “My beloved spoke, and said to me: ‘Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away. For lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth; the time of singing has come, and the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land.

    “The fig tree puts forth her green figs, and the vines with the tender grapes give a good smell. Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away!”

(Song 2:10-13)